A Remembrance: Hanna K. Still

"Deep within each of us we know where our life fulfillment lies.  We may not have spelled it out dictionary-pure.  But we know where we want to arrive.  I aimed to arrive at that place which many paths define as spiritual fulfillment, enlightenment, the path.  Fulfillment for me is to experience the spiritual truth of any moment.  There again, an inner Voice informs us and we experience the land of Knowing."     

-- Hanna K. Still  1925-2012



Last Sunday, I listened to people share stories about the many ways Hanna Still had influenced their lives and our community.  It was a heartfelt experience for me and hundreds of others in the church who were blessed to know this extraordinary woman.

When I was working for Wellsprings Friends School, I enjoyed some long conversations with Hanna at her home as well as brief talks during her many visits to the school and at Board meetings I attended.  The times I went to her home to talk privately were especially meaningful to me.  When I was with her, I felt touched by her soulful presence and her beautiful spirit.  She always listened intensely to what I had to say and spoke her views with deep conviction.  

I'm grateful for the time I was able to be with Hanna and for all the wisdom she shared with me.  May I carry my memories of her and her rich life legacy with me for the rest of my days.

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An Obituary With A Wish for Us All

I read an obituary in The Sunday Oregonian yesterday that delightfully captured the essence of the man:

"Ever the warrior philosopher.  With a laugh so infectious it reverberated and engaged.  A walking contradiction, who would proudly declare, 'It has never been my aim to be conventional,' and that is what guided his life."

His obit concludes:

"In lieu of flowers, to honor Axel do something unconventional or love someone deeply, or fix something with the proper tool or take utter delight is something small, or throw your head back and laugh with glee and gusto.  We will forever miss you, our dear one.  The rainbow will be brighter with your spirit.  Auf wiedersehen."

How would you like people you leave behind to honor you after your death?

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My Mother's Birthday (A Year After Her Passing)

My mother would have been 87 years old today.  She passed away on May 1, 2011.  I've thought of her many times during this past year, more often in recent weeks as I've been dealing with changes in my health.  Mom had some difficult months physically as she neared the end of her life.  Her strong faith and readiness to leave this world made her passing easier for the loved ones she left behind.  I'm overflowing with fond memories of her this day.

In my mother's honor, my favorite cafe offered to make a coffee cake which reminded me of the one mom used to make.  So, with others who bought a slice at the cafe today, I'll be enjoying the cake with my afternoon coffee.  Happy Birthday, Mom!

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My Mother's Life and Legacy

My mother, Bernice Mae (Klefsaas) Peterson, died four months ago.  Since that day -- May 1 -- I've had many thoughts about her but haven't felt ready to write about her legacy and my memories of her.  She died one week from what would have been her 86th birthday (which just happened to coincide with Mother's Day this year).

We had many talks on the phone the months and weeks before her passing.  Usually our conversations happened on Sunday afternoons.  Of course, as Minnesotans (me, a transplant to Oregon over 20 years ago), we always had to talk about the weather.  After that, we shared our "what's happening" stories from week to week, always ending our calls with "I love you's."

Not surprising, I guess, I first noticed that I was missing Mom the most on Sundays.  No more afternoon calls.  No more "weather reports."   No more "updates" on the relatives, children, and grandchildren.  No more "check-ins" about each others physical maladies.  No more "I love you's" for (and from) my Mother.

First among memories to emerge was of the last time I visited her in my hometown where my Mom had lived over 60 years.  My life partner, Anita, and I had conversations with her unlike most any of our talks in the past.  Mom wanted to show us old pictures from her early years and her high school yearbook, plus have us read her diary from her high school years.  Her diary entries were mostly one sentence about what she did "that day" or "things that happened" to her and family members.  I loved learning how often she enjoyed going to the movies (she lived on a farm a few miles from town) as well as her excitement over her (few) new dresses.

Mom was smart -- valedictorian of her high school class in 1943.  As I recall, she had wanted to be a doctor (I'm sure she would have made a great one).  But that would not be her career destiny.  She married my Dad while still a teenager and followed him West where the Army had sent him for training.  Off she went to Colorado Springs, Portland, and Phoenix where she was while Dad headed to France for the "big war."

Mom was especially proud of her "Rosy the Riveter" work in the shipyards of Portland.  Once when she visited us in Oregon, we took her the Rose City neighborhood were she had lived.  She still remembered the address so we drove to the little house (which she said still looked the same) where she had rented a room .  Although she protested my suggestion that we knock on the door (with her usual "I don't want to bother anyone" comment) to see if we could see her old room, she came along and the residents cheerfully welcomed us in.  Mom excitedly went up the stairs to see her room and then looked around the kitchen and explored the rest of her former home.  It definitely was the "high point" of her return trip to Portland!

Looking back at Mom's life, I realized that less than two years after she graduated from high school, she gave birth to a boy in Minnesota (I was the lucky one!).  Within the next seven years, she had three more babies.  Life got hard for her real fast!   And she didn't have a very supportive husband at home.  Much of the time my sister and brothers and I were growing up, our Dad was a traveling salesman -- gone most every week and home on weekends.  Mom worked waitress jobs at night until she got a telephone operator position with Northwestern Bell in 1956.  She worked split-shifts, walking 10 blocks to the office and back twice a day -- for most all of the 25 years she worked there before retiring in 1981.

About a year after I graduated from high school and had been away at college, Mom divorced my father.  She should have done it many years before in my view.  From what I remember of their relationship, there was little affection and lots of conflict over money and parenting.  And Mom never got the respect she deserved.  Unfortunately, not long after the divorce she met another man who gave her even less respect.  Thankfully, she ended that relationship and, as far as I know, that was "it" for her with men and marriage.

Mom lived by herself in the same little house we called home for over 20 years after her retirement.  After a fall down the basement stairs and brief time in a nursing home for rehab, she decided it was time to move (a big surprise to us all!).  She moved directly to an independent senior living apartment (a place I had worked exactly one day of my life hauling bricks during construction when I was a teenager).  With more people around to socialize with, she thrived for most of her years there.  Then in her 85th year, physical ailments eventually resulted in a move to a nursing home (which she could see from her apartment window).

Mom was happy at the nursing home (even with most of the food!). She felt safe, especially from falling in the night, and enjoyed day-to-day conversations with the staff people who cared for her.  After a fall backward during one of her many hallway walks with her walker (which didn't break any bones but left her in pain), within a few weeks she declined physically until the day of her death.

During the whole time Mom was living alone until her last breath, my "little" brother who lived in the same town provided care for her.  What a blessing he was to Mom for those many years!  What a blessing he was to her adult children!  It's difficult to convey the depth of gratitude I feel for all that my brother did for Mom.  He demonstrated his love and respect for her in his devotion to making her life as comfortable as he could for many years.

Mother's Legacy

What Mom valued most in her life were her family and her faith.  She devoted herself to supporting four children during their growing up years, working many hours every week at her telephone operator job, then coming home to housework and cooking to feed her kids.  And she did it without a "man around the house" to share in supporting the family.  Thankfully, when she retired, she had a small pension, social security, and health insurance that would support her during her retirement years.  She also had eleven grandchildren and eleven great-grandchildren to correspond with (and enjoy their visits), plus neighborhood friends to visit and talk with on the phone.

Mom made sure her children went to church and got religious training as youngsters through confirmation age (at the largest Lutheran church in town).  She attended church and made sure she was always there when I was singing in the choir during my high school years.  While I don't know at what age she devoted her life to Jesus Christ as her Savior, my sense is that for more than half of her life her faith was her guiding light.  She was definitely at peace with her passing and ready to return to Jesus long before she died.

Mom was a lifelong walker -- both to her job and in her retirement years.  She moved along at a determined pace (what I call our "Minnesota cold morning" speed).  Even when she had to use a walker during the last months of her life, she walked the halls of the nursing home most every day.  Among the things I know she enjoyed were doing crossword puzzles, watching the Chicago Cubs and Minnesota Twins on TV (and local sports teams), listening to A Prairie Home Companion (and Garrison's tales from Lake Wobegon), reading the Harmony Porch Tale books by Phillip Gulley, making lefse (we ate them as fast as she could make them!), and baking other goodies for her children and grandchildren (peanut butter cookies, sticky buns, coffee cake, bread sticks, and more).

Among her most notable traits, Mom was unselfish to her core and seemed uncomfortable with receiving attention and gifts.  Hearing her say, "Oh, don't bother" and "I don't want to be a bother" will echo in my ears for the rest of my life.  She even had made all the arrangements for her own funeral so she "wouldn't be a bother" to her children!


At her funeral on a beautiful sunny day in May (two days before her birthday), I spoke for the family and myself during the service.  I shared some memories and thoughts about her life.  It was a tearful experience and I can't recall much of what I spontaneously said.  Thankfully, my partner Anita, who wasn't able to travel at the time, had given me some words of her own about my Mom to read in remembrance.  Here's are some excerpts of her sharing:

    "Over the years, I experienced Bernice as kind, considerate, non-judgmental and thoughtful.  She always remembered birthdays, including my childrens', taking time to write a personal  note ... remembering and inquiring about their special interests, even my son whom she  never met.  She had a strong sense of fairness and all grandchildren got their birthdays remembered.

     Bernice was curious and smart---truly interested in current events, sports and especially what was going on in the lives of her loved ones.  A beautiful woman of intelligence, courage and genuine caring ... I feel blessed to have known her.

    She will always hold a special place in my heart."

                                                        "
As she will in mine.  Thank you for your love and support throughout my life, Mom.  Thank you, Bernice Mae (Klefsaas) Peterson for the life you lived.

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Life Legacies: A Life of Immersion with Jacqueline Novogratz

I came across another video from the 2010 TEDWomen conference that spoke to me about life legacies.  Jacqueline Novogratz shares powerful, inspiring stories that demonstrate "living a life of immersion."  Enjoy!

Some Wisdom from Steve Jobs

While I've certainly enjoyed using the products that Steve Jobs and Apple have created over the years, I've never been a fan of the man's management style (which has been described by others as "psychological manipulation" at best and "brutal -- this is shit -- putdowns" at worst).

Reading an article in Newsweek on "How Apple Revolutionized Our World" by Paul Theroux,
I was please to learn what the author called "the essential things to know about Jobs life (that) emerged in a speech he gave in spring 2005 at Stanford University."  In his commencement address, Jobs noted:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."


For the full text of Jobs commencement address, here's a link.


NOTE:  Steve Jobs died on October 5, 2011 at the age of 56.

Life Lessons: Joan Halifax on Compassion

When working as a hospice volunteer, I did lots of reading about death and dying.  One of the writers I admired for her work is Joan Halifax, a Buddhist priest.  Her latest book is "Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death."

Today I came across this TED video of Ms. Halifax that I wanted to share (and keep for myself so I can return to it for viewing in moments when I feel I've lost touch with compassion!).

Life's Decisions: Dorcas Smucker

One of my favorite local writers is a "nearing age 50" woman named Dorcas Smucker.  Her "Letters from Harrisburg" have been published in the Sunday edition of The Register-Guard for many years (and have been turned into books by the author).  I highly recommend them all.

Today, Dorcas wrote about "life decisions," asking herself about her life choices (which she notes that she has seldom done).  Among the gems of wisdom in her story I think is worth remembering every day of our lives is:

"What I realize now is that maybe what we see as the big life decisions of career and education and location are actually the small ones. The big decisions are the ones that transcend every place and relationship and job — integrity and kindness, mercy and generosity, love and joy and justice."

You can read the full story on the newspaper site or on Dorcas Smucker's blog, "Life in the Shoe."

Enjoy!

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A Poet's "Sayings"

Some "sayings" of Robert Frost about poetry and his life learnings (from the Writer's Almanac):

He said: "A poem begins with a lump in the throat; a homesickness or a love-sickness. It is a reaching out toward expression, an effort to find fulfillment. A complete poem is one where an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found the word."

And, "A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom."

And, "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

And, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

I wonder if I can sum up my life in three words?  What would your three words be?

Even More "Pickles" Wisdom

I love how a cartoonist can so clearly state great lessons for living one's life (capturing the wisdom of elders and youngsters in just four frames).

Wonder if I could create a cartoon version of my life legacy? In four frames? Suppose that would be a more colorful version of writing your life story in six words ... or 17 syllables in a haiku. Anybody willing to take on the challenge?

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More "Pickles" Wisdom

I've been away from my blog for several months while working on projects for a journal that focuses on successful adolescent development.  Reading the comics in the newspaper today, I was reminded of my work with life legacies:

Are you asking any (or many) "dang questions" at this time of your life? What questions are you asking?

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The Third Chapter of Life

One of the joys of working with people who are writing about their personal legacies is hearing their life stories and learning about changes they've made in their lives. Many of the stories I've heard have involved the changes the women and men have made in what sociologist Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot calls "The Third Chapter" of life.

In her book, The Third Chapter: Passion, Risk, and Adventure in the 25 Years After 50, Lawrence-Lightfoot explores the "ways in which men and women between the ages of fifty and seventy-five find ways of changing, adapting, exploring, mastering, and channeling their energies, skills, and passions into new domains of learning." She "challenges the still-prevailing and anachronistic images of aging by documenting and revealing the ways in which the years between fifty and seventy-five may, in fact, be the most transformative and generative time in our lives; it traces the ways in which wisdom, experience, and new learning inspire individual growth and cultural transformation."

The author interviewed forty women and men across the U.S. and found common themes, among them the urge for "leaving a legacy", for "giving back" and "giving forward", and for "making an imprint." In the life legacy workshops I've conducted, these themes have emerged as well -- from women in their 70's who are creating art after a life of work as teachers and homemakers, from a retired man in his 60's writing a screenplay about being the only white member of a black baseball team in his youth, and from others who are devoting their lives to work for volunteer organizations after years in the corporate world.

For many, The Third Chapter requires a "paradigm shift" in their lives, often "to align our professed values with our actions, our rhetoric with our behaviors." Lawrence-Lightfoot notes that such a shift can be "confusing, risky, and passionate -- are likely to be more difficult and demanding than the learning we have experienced at earlier stages of our lives, making the journey forward feel more hazardous. The stories we compose are our only map."

If you've already passed the age of 50, I think you'll find the stories of people interviewed for the book both interesting and inspirational, especially if you're seeking a more creative, purposeful life. And Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's conclusions about successful aging and lifelong learning, the innovations required in our schools, and the need for intergenerational dialogues to challenge society and cultural presumptions, offer a compelling vision to bring change to our institutions and our lives.

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NOTE: To watch an interview with Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot about The Third Chapter, see Bill Moyer's Journal. Also, my recent blog posting on the Legacy of Education: A "Cherishing" School Culture reflects on one of the author's conclusions to her book.

Legacy of Education: A "Cherishing" School Culture

For the past two years, I've worked half-time for Wellsprings Friends School, an alternative high school in Eugene. My contract ended in June so tomorrow I'll be missing the first "morning circle" that marks the beginning of the new school year.

In light of my experience at the school, I've been thinking about the legacy of education in our lives. And, in my reading of Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's The Third Chapter this summer, I found the best way to describe the Wellsprings approach to educating young people: a "cherishing" school culture.

In the conclusion to Lawrence-Lightfoot's book, she quotes Mary Catherine Bateson on the need for cherishing to be fully open to learning throughout one's life:

"One of the things we know about the human capacity to keep on learning, to remain young at heart and willing to learn, is that it needs to be supported by cherishing. We needed to be cherished as infants, and as adults we need to cherish our children. But if we want a society of people willing and open and ready to learn, it has to be a kinder, gentler society, because we need a lot of mutual support to face change, to give up things we've always believed in."

The author believes that "our contemporary preoccupation with testing" in schools leads to "a narrowing and standardization of learning that neglects the building of the 'edifice' of life. And I believe that the parts of the school curriculum -- the arts and humanities, sports, and community service in particular -- that are the first to be eliminated when schools are facing budget cuts, may be the very arenas that support approaches to learning that will emerge as important to sustaining development across the life span."

Lawrence-Lightfoot calls for a "shift to a more embracing, generous, complex curriculum, and a more 'cherishing' school culture (that) will require changes in societal expectations, cultural priorities, and educational policies. In turn, it will require that teachers in our schools see themselves as lifelong learners, modeling for their students a curiosity about life and a fearless pursuit of knowledge; this, in turn, will nourish the imagination, questioning, storytelling, intellectual discipline, and adventurousness of the students in their classrooms."

In my view, Wellsprings Friends School models just such a "cherishing school culture." Its teachers show their love for their students and demonstrate their love of learning each day.

My hope is that the radical changes needed in our education system (and coming eventually) will leave a legacy of cherishing for future generations of lifelong learners.

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The Legacy of War: Wisdom for My Loved Ones (Revisited Once Again)

Seems like the subject of "war" keeps smacking me in the face year after year. Last month while meandering up the street at the Mississippi St. Fair in Portland a young man handed me a little booklet titled "War Is A Racket." Written by General Smedley Butler, one of the most decorated officers in long history of the Marine Corp, it was first published in 1935. I finally got around to reading the booklet and was struck by how relevant the General's viewpoint is for today.

On the first page Butler states that " War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which profits are reckoned in dollars and losses in lives." He goes on in brief chapters to cover who makes the profits, who pays the bills, how to smash this racket, and concludes with "to hell with war!" Coming from a man who had "been there" in multiple combat operations during his distinguished service, he's someone whose viewpoint I wish our president and congress were paying attention to right now.

This morning, reading Bob Herbert's opinion piece in the newspaper brought me to tears. Suicides by our soldiers continue to rise. And "July was the deadliest month yet for American troops in Afghanistan. Sixty-six were killed, which was six more than the number who died in the previous most deadly month, June. The nation is paying little or no attention to those deaths, which is shameful. The president goes to fund-raisers and yuks it up on “The View.” For most ordinary Americans, the war is nothing more than an afterthought."

Herbert goes on to say that "It’s time to bring the curtain down for good on these tragic, farcical wars. The fantasy of democracy blossoming at the point of a gun in Iraq and spreading blithely throughout the Middle East has been obliterated. And it’s hard to believe that anyone buys the notion that the U.S. can install a successful society in the medieval madness of Afghanistan." I do not buy such a notion.

Once again as I posed 10 months ago: How do you view the legacy of war in your lifetime? What are your personal stories about war and its impact on you and your family members? Have you changed your views during your lifetime on the necessity (or lack of) for war ... in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, and/or any terrorist organizations?

More Wisdom from Pickles

When I read the comics in this morning's newspaper, I pondered the wisdom of the two guys (at least one of them) who may be a few years older than I am ...

Reminded me to practice the first rule of effective teaching: talk less, listen more.

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The Things You Would Have Said

Reading a story on the front page of today's Oregonian newspaper brought to mind why I think it is so important to consider your life legacy "before it's too late." Titled "A home for letters from the heart," the article featured a Portland woman's website that collects letters from people who have words they've wanted to share with someone but didn't or couldn't. You can check out the letters on her website at www.wouldhavesaid.com.

If you have words you want to say to people in your life but haven't done it yet, I encourage you to do it today in person or by letter. And, if the person has died, write a letter to them anyway and read it aloud to a friend or send it to Jackie Hooper's website.

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Remembering A Rumi Poem

Reading the Rumi poem "Begin" reminded me of the time in my life when I often read his poems when I lead workshops for men in the 1990's. My favorite poem to recite was:

These spiritual window-shoppers,
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
They handle a hundred items and put them down,
shadows with no capital.

What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
But these walk into a shop,
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment,
in that shop.

Where did you go? "Nowhere."
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."

Even if you don't know what you want,
buy something, to be part of the exchanging flow.

Start a huge, foolish project,
like Noah.

It makes absolutely no difference
what people think of you.

Those last lines aways surprised people and blew me away when I first read them. Of course, they were counter to everything my Minnesota Lutheran "nice boy" upbringing had taught me. It has been a longtime challenge to get to a place even close to living Rumi's words ... "It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you."

As far as starting "a huge foolish project, like Noah," I haven't identified a metaphorical "ark" to build yet (or the water hasn't risen high enough -- or gotten deep enough -- for me to get the message!).

Have you created "a huge foolish project" during your lifetime? No matter how it turned out, I encourage you to write about it in your ethical will. And, if you have such a project in mind, get it started ... and make it part of your life legacy!

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Some Rumi Wisdom

In the hospice volunteer newsletter I received today was a little Rumi poem with "life legacy" wisdom:

BEGIN

This is now. Now is,
all there is. Don't wait for Then;
strike the spark, light the fire.

Sit at the Beloved's table,
feast with gusto, drink your fill

then dance
the way branches
of jasmine and cypress
dance in a spring wind.

The green earth
is your cloth;
tailor your robe
with dignity and grace.

~ Rumi ~

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Best Advice You Actually Followed

I read an interview with author Chang-rae Lee last month in which the interviewer asked him a great question:

The best piece of advice you actually followed?

His answer:

"Honor what you love, whether it's a person or vocation or idea."

Lee's mentor and good friend, poet Garrett Hongo, gave him that advice.

Knowing and doing "what I love" is the best guide I've found for living a contented life. Seems like it took me way too many years to realize that truth. But I'm grateful that I learned that life lesson before I'm on my deathbed ... and that I've had more years to "practice" than I ever expected.

What's the best advice you received that you actually followed?

Photo Credit: Denise Applewhite

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Time for a "New Look"

Since starting this blog four years ago, I haven't changed the "look" of the layout and color schemes. It's time for a more expansive layout that uses the whole screen page (which I find easier to read as my eyes age) plus allows larger photos and video screens.

I expect to begin writing more often about life legacy issues as my other work projects slow down in June for the summer.

Let me know what you're thinking about in regard to your life legacy or for creating your ethical will.

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