Wednesday, August 13, 2014

New Blog Features Guide for Writing Ethical-Spiritual Wills

While I expect to continue writing and giving community talks on ethical-spiritual wills, I've decided not to lead Legacy Circle workshops in the future.  Instead, I'm encouraging people to start their own Legacy Circles to support one another in creating their documents.

To provide a guide for individuals and groups, I've created a new blog with PDF's of all the handouts I've used over the years for facilitating Legacy Circles.  They are available for non-commercial use by anyone interested in writing or recording their own personal legacy.

You'll find the guide at

My hope is that people will find the materials helpful for their writing process and, if desired, for sharing what they've written with their Legacy Circles.

With gratitude,

New Blog Features Guide for Writing Ethical-Spiritual WillsSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Monday, March 17, 2014

Most Read Blog Posts

Over the years since I began this blog, nearly 25,000 people have viewed the site.  Here are links to the most read posts (Note: some links within older posts may no longer be available):

I never guessed that so many people would read this blog.  Thanks to everyone who checked out a post and for people who commented.

Most Read Blog PostsSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Monday, March 03, 2014

Tribute to a Friend: Edgar Peara

Last week, my friend Edgar Peara died at the age of 92.  He was the oldest man I ever had the pleasure of knowing and spending time with during the twelve years he lived in Oregon.

Ed was energetic (running daily and doing his age in real push-ups!), kind, generous, creative, intelligent, and spiritually "awake."  He was a volunteer extraordinaire -- working for over 40 local organizations (including the "dirty" work of digging and lifting) -- and giving financially to many more nonprofits every year. In addition, he had a counseling practice, wrote a religious column in the local newspaper,  delivered talks at area churches, and mentored people who wanted to learn to do metaphysical therapy.

I first met Ed over 30 years ago while I was living in the Chicago area.  At the time, I only knew him as a Unitarian-Universalist minister who I saw occasionally at meetings and at the annual U-U summer camp at Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.  To my surprise, over 12 years ago, we met again at a church in Eugene.  He and his wife, Phyllis, had moved here to be live closer to one of their sons and grandchildren.

I asked Ed if he would be interested in joining a men's group that I had started in the early 1990's.  Thankfully he said "yes" and I got to see him for breakfast every Tuesday.   I got to know Ed and hear about his life and contributions to our community during those early morning conversations.  Unfortunately his hearing became more difficult over the years and he decided it was time to leave the group.  I saw him much less after that but we kept in touch by email and occasionally met at church or at monthly art walks (where he always had a new joke to share).

Of men I who have been my friend, Ed lived the most amazing life of service.  In the military in WWII, he served as a combat engineer in all five "theaters" of war, including Utah Beach on D-Day.  He likely may have been the only man to survive that much military duty during the war. His war experience led him to become a founder of Veterans for Peace in our community. (In 2011, Ed was awarded the French Legion of Honor for his military service in France).

Ed became a minister in the 1960's and served several Unitarian-Universalist churches during his career (he was active as well in the Unity Church during his time in Eugene). He also taught human development courses and had a therapy practice.  For six years, he was a single father to four little boys before meeting and marrying Phyllis (a single mom with fours kids of her own). Phyllis was a great partner -- as active as Ed during their 41 years of marriage before her death.  More about Ed's work and home life is contained in a talk he gave to ministers two years ago.

More than anyone I've ever met, Ed really knew that he was a "spiritual being in a physical body."  His spiritual practice was impeccable and lived out in his daily life of service.  Ed was always supportive of my work, expressed how much he valued our friendship, and voiced his love for me and my life partner.  In so many ways, he also helped heal old wounds from my father with his loving presence in my life.

Ed Peara's legacy will live for generations.   I loved the dear man and will miss him. 


Tribute to a Friend: Edgar PearaSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Friday, February 28, 2014

Things I Know for Sure (as of 2014)

From a section of my personal ethical will

1.  We are here to love and be loved
    I wish I would have been able to really know that in my heart much earlier in my life. Thankfully, "I got it" before my deathbed!  That is the single greatest gift of my health diagnosis.  It woke me up to the message of love.

2.  We are here to learn.
      To learn what it means to be alive and to experience the wonders of the natural world, the marvels of the mind, and the gifts of the heart.  During my lifetime, I've been an avid reader -- mostly non-fiction books about human development, spirituality, and writing -- as well as some fiction favorites by authors such as John Irving, Milan Kundera, Barbara Kingsolver, and Marilynne Robinson.  Poetry also came into my life in my mid-40's as a result of my new love relationship and my work with men (Pablo Neruda, Rilke, Robert Bly, William Stafford, and others).  I encourage everyone to read, read, read, everything that attracts you.  It will enrich your inner life and can make a big difference in your "outer" experience.

3.  We are here to create.
      To create whatever matters most to you.  Something that engages your heart and uplifts your spirit.  Something that inspires you and makes you feel alive in your whole being.  I experience "creation" most often when  I'm teaching something I have learned -- when I read, study, write, and design a workshop for a group of interested people -- and engage them face-to-face, inspiring them to trust the truth of their inner experience and make changes in their lives that reflect their true self.  You know that you're "there" when you are so full of energy that "clock time" disappears.  You experience "eternal time" --which may be as close to "eternal life" as any of us will ever experience.  

So, whatever you do, don't wait ... don't delay until next year ... or until retirement.  Do what you love.  Be the work you love to do.  As the poet Rumi says, "It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you!"

4.  We are here to serve.
      To make a contribution to life, to the people that we love (and to those we'll never know), to the Earth in gratitude for its gifts to us all.  Service needs to come from the heart, not from the head that says "you should ..."  You'll know whatever service is right for you by the joy you'll feel in the doing of it.  You may even be overwhelmed every so often by the tears of joy that arise from the gratitude in your heart.  By giving, you truly do receive far beyond whatever your mind may conceive.

You leave a legacy of your life in your love for your fellow human (and other) beings, your life learnings, your creative endeavors, and your service to people and the planet.
Things I Know for Sure (as of 2014)SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

25 Things I Wish I Would Have Learned Earlier in My Life

From a section of my personal ethical will

In no particular order other than what came across my mind as I thought about the subject:

1.   The wisdom of living a life of non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment.

2.   That life gives you just the right experiences that you need to grow to the next level of consciousness (in other words, what you are experiencing in life right now!).

3.   What I resist, persists (and I suffer as a result until I let go -- surrender and change).

4.   "This too shall pass" (whatever is happening ... this emotion ... this life experience ... this moment).

5.   The paradoxical nature of life -- time, space, etc.

6.   The enormous power of the ego (which I grossly underestimated most of my life).

7.   To not take my non-stop thoughts ("monkey-mind") seriously.  Rather, notice how my ego operated to create anger, fear, guilt, distrust -- you name it! -- anything that is not love.

8.   The suffering caused by attachment to "my story" of "my life."  If I would have let go of defending "my story" in my love relationships, change would have been happened much easier and sooner.

9.   The power of projection in relationships.  All of our perceptions are projections!  In other words, to have recognized that his/her anger and blaming are their own issues, not mine ... and likewise, when I'm angry and blaming the other person, they are my own issues, not theirs).  Even "falling in love" projects everything that is "positive" in me onto my lover ... only to realize later that everything "negative" that I ignored in the "fog of love" stage of our relationship -- that eventually shows up in full force -- is my projection as well!

10. The power of mirroring in relationships (I see and love the positive in you that is in me; I hate the negative in you that is in me).

11. The dysfunction in any role identification (father, husband, boss) and role behavior -- the source of virtually all personal inauthenticity in my experience.

12. The power of the "shadow" in the unconscious mind and how it manifests in our behavior (E. Tolle's "pain body"). 

13. The power of intention, plus attention, in manifesting anything in life.

14. That the content ("happenings") and form ("doings") of my life is not who I am.

15. That the present moment is the only "time" there is (the ego loves to deliver thoughts of the past and the future!).

16. The first duty of love is listening; the second is empathizing.

17. That listening wholeheartedly to another person -- presence -- is a true gift.

18.  The wisdom of intimate separateness.  Life partnerships and marriages are as likely to end from lack of separateness as from lack of intimacy.

19.  We are defined by whom and what we love.

20. The joy of solitude; the joy of intimacy.

21.  Joy is a way of being; happiness is a form of joy.

22.  That compassion requires both boundaries and accountability.  The heart of compassion is acceptance for ourselves and others.  Practicing compassion starts with setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.  Otherwise, you'll feel resentment for people who are taking advantage of you or hurting you with their behavior.

23. Conscious loving = conscious living = conscious dying.

24. Reading poetry aloud and writing poems is a delight.

25. The importance of blessing (one another, places, events) and being blessed.

An Excerpt from My Ethical Will

25 Things I Wish I Would Have Learned Earlier in My LifeSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Saturday, March 30, 2013


Know impermanence 
is always there at your back
Waiting for your time.

RememberSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Celebrating A Poet: William Stafford

One of my favorite January rituals is attending the annual birthday celebration for William Stafford, Oregon's Poet Laureate (1914 - 1993). Each year people gather at our local Tsunami Bookstore to read Stafford's poems and poems of their own, plus share personal memories of the man.

I met and heard William Stafford only once while at a men's workshop with poet, Robert Bly in 1991 at Marylhurst College. It was quite the scene when the tall, brash (some say, arrogant) Robert Bly introduced us to the quiet, humble poet from Lake Oswego, Oregon.  Stafford read a few of his poems and answered questions from the crowd of men.  I remember feeling the warmth and love between the two poets who appeared to be so different from one another.

After hearing William Stafford, I starting buying and reading his many books of poetry as well as books about the man.  Eventually, I began writing my own poems and, most enthusiastically, haiku poems*.  When I started facilitating men's groups and workshops myself, I incorporated poetry into the time men shared together. 

At the "Healing the Hearts of Men" weekend workshops we did at Heceta House on the Oregon Coast, I taught men the haiku form (three lines with five, seven, five syllables), then all of us headed out alone for an afternoon to see what poems emerged from our time in the beautiful natural world.  Later, when we returned to our circle of men, each man shared one or more of the haiku poems they wrote during their time alone.  It was a sweet, heartwarming (and often uproarious) experience as the poems were shared -- one of the highlights of our time together for me and other men in the circle (many of whom had never written a poem or, more often than not, had learned to hate poetry in school).

This year at the birthday celebration I selected three short poems by William Stafford from his collection, "The Way It Is."  I read "Your Life," "Yes," and the book's title poem:

"There's a thread you follow.  It goes among
things that change.  But it doesn't change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can't get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time's unfolding,
You don't ever let go of the thread."

With each year that passes, the poem has greater meaning for me.  And I'm grateful that I still have the ability to read William Stafford's poems to people in our community who love his poems. 


* NOTE:  My enthusiasm for haiku (and inspiration from William Stafford's habit of writing daily poems in the early morning) led me to challenge myself to write a poem every day for a year (2011).  I figured I could at least write three lines of poetry each day if Stafford could write so many daily poems for years.  And I followed his advice "to lower my standards" to accomplish the task!  If you're interested, they're posted at

("The Way It Is" is copyright by the Estate of William Stafford and appears in the book published by Graywolf Press.  The photo was taken by Guy Weese who shared it for my use in a poetry book).

Celebrating A Poet: William StaffordSocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

"Don’t Wait to Say What Needs Saying"

I've been away from this blog for several months and, after reading a column by Bob Welch in our local newspaper last week, I decided it was time to share his words that reminded me of a key part of an ethical will.

I was especially moved by these words from Bob's column on "Passing over life's rumble strips:"

"Time passes. The world changes. The unexpected happens.

And for me, the lesson seems to be: Don’t let things go unsaid.

But too often, I do. I get so wrapped up about getting where I need to be that I overlook where I am and where I’ve been.
I too often miss the observation that my mother — at 85, still traipsing off to the coast for contemplative stays — makes about appreciating what we have.
“We can enjoy an event in three ways,” she said. “While looking forward to it, while we’re in it and while we look back on it.”
I too often miss the wisdom from author Ann Voskamp, in her book “One Thousand Gifts,” about living each day with thankfulness.
Thankfulness, she says, leaves no room for bitterness.
Ah, but you can’t wait for the muse, she warns. You have to be proactive. Have to think it, say it, claim it — before it’s too late."
Wisdom worth taking to heart every day whether or not we ever write and share an ethical will with our family and friends.

I've been reading Bob Welch's articles and columns since moving to Eugene in the late 80's.  His humanity and humor make him one of the best columnists I've read as a lifelong newspaper reader.

Thank you, Bob, for all stories you've written over the years about people in our community, your experiences as a father and grandfather, and the many places you've been in Oregon and the Northwest.  I'm grateful for all of the laughter, tears, and joy you've brought to my life.  Best wishes for many more years of writing columns and books that make a difference in the world!
"Don’t Wait to Say What Needs Saying"SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend