25 Things I Wish I Would Have Learned Earlier in My Life

From a section of my personal ethical will

In no particular order other than what came across my mind as I thought about the subject:

1.   The wisdom of living a life of non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment.

2.   That life gives you just the right experiences that you need to grow to the next level of consciousness (in other words, what you are experiencing in life right now!).

3.   What I resist, persists (and I suffer as a result until I let go -- surrender and change).

4.   "This too shall pass" (whatever is happening ... this emotion ... this life experience ... this moment).

5.   The paradoxical nature of life -- time, space, etc.

6.   The enormous power of the ego (which I grossly underestimated most of my life).

7.   To not take my non-stop thoughts ("monkey-mind") seriously.  Rather, notice how my ego operated to create anger, fear, guilt, distrust -- you name it! -- anything that is not love.

8.   The suffering caused by attachment to "my story" of "my life."  If I would have let go of defending "my story" in my love relationships, change would have been happened much easier and sooner.

9.   The power of projection in relationships.  All of our perceptions are projections!  In other words, to have recognized that his/her anger and blaming are their own issues, not mine ... and likewise, when I'm angry and blaming the other person, they are my own issues, not theirs).  Even "falling in love" projects everything that is "positive" in me onto my lover ... only to realize later that everything "negative" that I ignored in the "fog of love" stage of our relationship -- that eventually shows up in full force -- is my projection as well!

10. The power of mirroring in relationships (I see and love the positive in you that is in me; I hate the negative in you that is in me).

11. The dysfunction in any role identification (father, husband, boss) and role behavior -- the source of virtually all personal inauthenticity in my experience.

12. The power of the "shadow" in the unconscious mind and how it manifests in our behavior (E. Tolle's "pain body"). 

13. The power of intention, plus attention, in manifesting anything in life.

14. That the content ("happenings") and form ("doings") of my life is not who I am.

15. That the present moment is the only "time" there is (the ego loves to deliver thoughts of the past and the future!).

16. The first duty of love is listening; the second is empathizing.

17. That listening wholeheartedly to another person -- presence -- is a true gift.

18.  The wisdom of intimate separateness.  Life partnerships and marriages are as likely to end from lack of separateness as from lack of intimacy.

19.  We are defined by whom and what we love.

20. The joy of solitude; the joy of intimacy.

21.  Joy is a way of being; happiness is a form of joy.

22.  That compassion requires both boundaries and accountability.  The heart of compassion is acceptance for ourselves and others.  Practicing compassion starts with setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.  Otherwise, you'll feel resentment for people who are taking advantage of you or hurting you with their behavior.

23. Conscious loving = conscious living = conscious dying.

24. Reading poetry aloud and writing poems is a delight.

25. The importance of blessing (one another, places, events) and being blessed.

An Excerpt from My Ethical Will

Remember

Know impermanence 

is always there at your back

Waiting for your time.

Celebrating A Poet: William Stafford

One of my favorite January rituals is attending the annual birthday celebration for William Stafford, Oregon's Poet Laureate (1914 - 1993). Each year people gather at our local Tsunami Bookstore to read Stafford's poems and poems of their own, plus share personal memories of the man.

I met and heard William Stafford only once while at a men's workshop with poet, Robert Bly in 1991 at Marylhurst College. It was quite the scene when the tall, brash (some say, arrogant) Robert Bly introduced us to the quiet, humble poet from Lake Oswego, Oregon.  Stafford read a few of his poems and answered questions from the crowd of men.  I remember feeling the warmth and love between the two poets who appeared to be so different from one another.

After hearing William Stafford, I starting buying and reading his many books of poetry as well as books about the man.  Eventually, I began writing my own poems and, most enthusiastically, haiku poems*.  When I started facilitating men's groups and workshops myself, I incorporated poetry into the time men shared together. 

At the "Healing the Hearts of Men" weekend workshops we did at Heceta House on the Oregon Coast, I taught men the haiku form (three lines with five, seven, five syllables), then all of us headed out alone for an afternoon to see what poems emerged from our time in the beautiful natural world.  Later, when we returned to our circle of men, each man shared one or more of the haiku poems they wrote during their time alone.  It was a sweet, heartwarming (and often uproarious) experience as the poems were shared -- one of the highlights of our time together for me and other men in the circle (many of whom had never written a poem or, more often than not, had learned to hate poetry in school).

This year at the birthday celebration I selected three short poems by William Stafford from his collection, "The Way It Is."  I read "Your Life," "Yes," and the book's title poem:

"There's a thread you follow.  It goes among

things that change.  But it doesn't change.

People wonder about what you are pursuing.

You have to explain about the thread.

But it is hard for others to see.

While you hold it you can't get lost.

Tragedies happen; people get hurt

or die; and you suffer and get old.

Nothing you do can stop time's unfolding,

You don't ever let go of the thread."

With each year that passes, the poem has greater meaning for me.  And I'm grateful that I still have the ability to read William Stafford's poems to people in our community who love his poems. 

###

* NOTE:  My enthusiasm for haiku (and inspiration from William Stafford's habit of writing daily poems in the early morning) led me to challenge myself to write a poem every day for a year (2011).  I figured I could at least write three lines of poetry each day if Stafford could write so many daily poems for years.  And I followed his advice "to lower my standards" to accomplish the task!  If you're interested, they're posted at www.haikubytodd.blogspot.com.

("The Way It Is" is copyright by the Estate of William Stafford and appears in the book published by Graywolf Press.  The photo was taken by Guy Weese who shared it for my use in a poetry book).

"Don’t Wait to Say What Needs Saying"

I've been away from this blog for several months and, after reading a column by Bob Welch in our local newspaper last week, I decided it was time to share his words that reminded me of a key part of an ethical will.

I was especially moved by these words from Bob's column on "Passing over life's rumble strips:"

"Time passes. The world changes. The unexpected happens.

And for me, the lesson seems to be: Don’t let things go unsaid.

But too often, I do. I get so wrapped up about getting where I need to be that I overlook where I am and where I’ve been.

I too often miss the observation that my mother — at 85, still traipsing off to the coast for contemplative stays — makes about appreciating what we have.

“We can enjoy an event in three ways,” she said. “While looking forward to it, while we’re in it and while we look back on it.”

I too often miss the wisdom from author Ann Voskamp, in her book “One Thousand Gifts,” about living each day with thankfulness.

Thankfulness, she says, leaves no room for bitterness.

Ah, but you can’t wait for the muse, she warns. You have to be proactive. Have to think it, say it, claim it — before it’s too late."

Wisdom worth taking to heart every day whether or not we ever write and share an ethical will with our family and friends.

I've been reading Bob Welch's articles and columns since moving to Eugene in the late 80's.  His humanity and humor make him one of the best columnists I've read as a lifelong newspaper reader.

Thank you, Bob, for all stories you've written over the years about people in our community, your experiences as a father and grandfather, and the many places you've been in Oregon and the Northwest.  I'm grateful for all of the laughter, tears, and joy you've brought to my life.  Best wishes for many more years of writing columns and books that make a difference in the world!