Yesterday's Oregonian had an excellent article in their "Living"
section on the value of audio and videotaping your personal
legacy for your loved ones and future generations of your family.
The article tells a touching story of a 40-year old mother with a
terminal illness who videotaped the life lessons she wanted to
impart to her 5 and 9 year old daughters. It also describes how
some hospitals, as part of their palliative care for dying patients,
are doing "life tapes" -- recordings of the meaningful aspects of
people's lives.
According to Dr. Harvey Chochinov who was quoted in the article,
"For many dying patients the ability to leave a clear record of
what mattered in life is just as important -- if not more so --
than other aspects of end-of-life care."
Here's a link to the whole article:
"Fond farewell" by Gabrielle Glaser
A sidebar to the story describes Dr. Chochinov's study which
found that dying patients "felt a heightened sense of dignity
and purpose, as well as decreased depression and sense of
suffering" when they could give their relatives transcripts
of extensive conversations they had with therapists who
interviewed them about their lives.
Here's is a link to the sidebar:
"Dignity therapy" by Gabrielle Glaser
While the story focused on people at the end of their lives,
the matter of our personal legacy is "alive" for every one of
us, every day of our lives. Death is always just one last heart
beat away, one last breath away.
Doing an ethical will in written, audio and/or videotaped form
-- and sharing it with your loves ones -- offers many of the same
"dignity and purpose" outcomes as an ethical will.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Life Tapes & Legacy Videos: "Dignity Therapy"
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Writing Your Epitaph for An Ethical Will
In the last paragraph of Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, Dr. Gordon Livingston suggests that every written will should include one's personal "epitaph". I think writing your own epitaph is an especially worthwhile endeavor as you create an ethical will.
If you'd like to include your epitaph in your ethical will (and/or your legal will), complete this statement:
"I would like my epitaph to be ....."
It may come to you instantly ... or take days (or weeks!) of pondering. I recall doing this exercise back in the 1990's in combination with writing my own obituary and planning my life celebration -- all of which are helpful for contemplating one's mortality and uncovering fears of death that inhibit living your life fully.
At the end of his book, Dr. Livingston shared his own epitaph which, much to my surprise, was the same epitaph I had chosen for myself nearly ten years ago. From the words of Raymond Carver in his collection of poems, A New Path to the Waterfall:
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
If you'd like to include your epitaph in your ethical will (and/or your legal will), complete this statement:
"I would like my epitaph to be ....."
It may come to you instantly ... or take days (or weeks!) of pondering. I recall doing this exercise back in the 1990's in combination with writing my own obituary and planning my life celebration -- all of which are helpful for contemplating one's mortality and uncovering fears of death that inhibit living your life fully.
At the end of his book, Dr. Livingston shared his own epitaph which, much to my surprise, was the same epitaph I had chosen for myself nearly ten years ago. From the words of Raymond Carver in his collection of poems, A New Path to the Waterfall:
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Monday, May 29, 2006
The Gift of Forgiveness
Yesterday I finished reading Gordon Livingston's book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now. Having previously read his second book (see my April archived post titled "Most People Die With Their Music Still Inside Them"), I once again enjoyed the wisdom Dr. Livingston shares from his lifetime of experience as a man, father, and psychiatrist. Among his 30 truths are: We are what we do. Any relationship is under control of the person who cares the least. Only bad things happen quickly. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Love is never lost, not even in death.
The last chapter of the book -- Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing -- offers some insights that are instructive for creating an ethical will. An ethical will can provide a loving way to express forgiveness to people who may have harmed us at some point in our lives as well as give us an opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those we may have harmed. Ideally, forgiveness doesn't have to wait for your ethical will. But, if you've waited, I encourage you to consider what may need forgiving or forgiveness in your life today.
Dr. Livingston says:
"Certainly it is true that understanding who we are depends on paying attention to the history of our lives. This is why any useful psychotherapy included telling this story. Somewhere between ignoring the past and wallowing in it there is a place where we can learn from what has happened to us, including the inevitable mistakes we have made, and integrate this knowledge into our plans for the future. Inevitably, this process requires some exercises in forgiveness -- that is, giving up some grievance to which we are entitled.
Widely confused with forgetting or reconciliation, forgiveness is neither. It is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves. It exists, as does all true healing, at the intersection of love and justice."
He goes on to say that "Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender. And it often seems impossible until the moment we do it."
In my own case, a troubled relationship with my father -- my tightly-held anger at his abuse and neglect in my childhood -- lasted far too many years of our lives, keeping both of us from healing. Ironically, our relationship taught me forgiveness in the deepest of ways. And, thankfully, I was blessed with the gift of forgiveness before he drifted into dementia in his early 70's. It made it possible for me love him -- to say "I love you" to him -- before the days in which he showed no sign of knowing who I was and why I was there, holding him in my arms as tears flowed from his sky-blue eyes ... and mine.
The last chapter of the book -- Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing -- offers some insights that are instructive for creating an ethical will. An ethical will can provide a loving way to express forgiveness to people who may have harmed us at some point in our lives as well as give us an opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those we may have harmed. Ideally, forgiveness doesn't have to wait for your ethical will. But, if you've waited, I encourage you to consider what may need forgiving or forgiveness in your life today.
Dr. Livingston says:
"Certainly it is true that understanding who we are depends on paying attention to the history of our lives. This is why any useful psychotherapy included telling this story. Somewhere between ignoring the past and wallowing in it there is a place where we can learn from what has happened to us, including the inevitable mistakes we have made, and integrate this knowledge into our plans for the future. Inevitably, this process requires some exercises in forgiveness -- that is, giving up some grievance to which we are entitled.
Widely confused with forgetting or reconciliation, forgiveness is neither. It is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves. It exists, as does all true healing, at the intersection of love and justice."
He goes on to say that "Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender. And it often seems impossible until the moment we do it."
In my own case, a troubled relationship with my father -- my tightly-held anger at his abuse and neglect in my childhood -- lasted far too many years of our lives, keeping both of us from healing. Ironically, our relationship taught me forgiveness in the deepest of ways. And, thankfully, I was blessed with the gift of forgiveness before he drifted into dementia in his early 70's. It made it possible for me love him -- to say "I love you" to him -- before the days in which he showed no sign of knowing who I was and why I was there, holding him in my arms as tears flowed from his sky-blue eyes ... and mine.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Spiritual Will & Ethical Will: Are They Different?
An ethical will has sometimes been called a "spiritual-ethical" will because it often has content which focuses on both your values and your life spirit. In my legacy work, I make a distinction between an "ethical" will and a "spiritual" will when a person intends to make the central focus of the document their journey of faith or religious journey rather than primarily focusing on their values and life lessons.
If you'd like to write a "spiritual will", I suggest you start with the questions that Kathleen Dowling Singh -- author of the superb book The Grace in Dying -- offered in her PBS interview with Bill Moyers in his series, "On Your Own Terms". Here's a link to an article based on their interview:
Taking A Spiritual Inventory
While some of the questions in this "spiritual inventory" could also be used in an ethical will, I think many of them allow you to go to a deeper level -- to the essence of your life spirit.
Another source for starting a spiritual will is Ten Eternal Questions by Zoe Sallis. She offers these 10 questions for your consideration (and provides answers from people like Nelson Mandela, The Dalai Lama, and many others who she interviewed for the book):
1. What is your concept of God?
2. Do you think this life is all there is, or do you believe in an afterlife?
3. Do you accept the concept of karma, in the sense of cause and effect?
4. What is you moral code, in relation to right and wrong?
5. Do you believe you have a destiny, and do you see yourself as here to fulfill it?
6. What has life taught you so far?
7. What advice or words of wisdom would you life to pass on to those close to you?
8. Do you believe our survival on planet Earth is being threatened?
9. Who do you most admire in this world, historical or living?
10. How do you find peace within yourself?
I would include questions 6, 7, and 9 in writing an ethical will while the others I consider more helpful for a spiritual will.
So are a "spiritual will" and an "ethical will" any different? Is making a distinction important or not? Perhaps, only in the mind of the writer (only this writer?) ... or the reader. Let me know what you think (click on "comments" below).
If you'd like to write a "spiritual will", I suggest you start with the questions that Kathleen Dowling Singh -- author of the superb book The Grace in Dying -- offered in her PBS interview with Bill Moyers in his series, "On Your Own Terms". Here's a link to an article based on their interview:
Taking A Spiritual Inventory
While some of the questions in this "spiritual inventory" could also be used in an ethical will, I think many of them allow you to go to a deeper level -- to the essence of your life spirit.
Another source for starting a spiritual will is Ten Eternal Questions by Zoe Sallis. She offers these 10 questions for your consideration (and provides answers from people like Nelson Mandela, The Dalai Lama, and many others who she interviewed for the book):
1. What is your concept of God?
2. Do you think this life is all there is, or do you believe in an afterlife?
3. Do you accept the concept of karma, in the sense of cause and effect?
4. What is you moral code, in relation to right and wrong?
5. Do you believe you have a destiny, and do you see yourself as here to fulfill it?
6. What has life taught you so far?
7. What advice or words of wisdom would you life to pass on to those close to you?
8. Do you believe our survival on planet Earth is being threatened?
9. Who do you most admire in this world, historical or living?
10. How do you find peace within yourself?
I would include questions 6, 7, and 9 in writing an ethical will while the others I consider more helpful for a spiritual will.
So are a "spiritual will" and an "ethical will" any different? Is making a distinction important or not? Perhaps, only in the mind of the writer (only this writer?) ... or the reader. Let me know what you think (click on "comments" below).
Friday, May 19, 2006
Op-Ed Commentary in The Oregonian
Along with helping people create ethical wills, I've done community talks on the importance of completing advance directives for health care (often called "living wills"). An advance directive gives your family a gift of knowing your wishes for health care if you are close to death and cannot speak for yourself.
As a hospice volunteer and member of Partner's to Improve End-of-Life Care -- a non-profit community coalition (www.seriousillness.org/lane) -- I've also occasionally written editorial commentaries encouraging people to complete their advance directives. I submit the commentaries for publication in our local newspapers and The Oregonian in Portland which has a statewide readership.
I was pleased to learn that The Oregonian published my Op-Ed Commentary (May 15) about Terri Schiavo's legacy. You can read it at:
END-OF-LIFE CARE
In early May, The Register-Guard in Eugene published a similar version of the commentary.
Hopefully, many readers of these newspapers and their on-line websites will take action and complete their advance directives.
Your advance directive, combined with your ethical will and legal will, provide a clear picture of your health care wishes, your values, and your material assets. I encourage you to complete all three documents. Give yourself and your loved ones these "gifts of a lifetime."
As a hospice volunteer and member of Partner's to Improve End-of-Life Care -- a non-profit community coalition (www.seriousillness.org/lane) -- I've also occasionally written editorial commentaries encouraging people to complete their advance directives. I submit the commentaries for publication in our local newspapers and The Oregonian in Portland which has a statewide readership.
I was pleased to learn that The Oregonian published my Op-Ed Commentary (May 15) about Terri Schiavo's legacy. You can read it at:
END-OF-LIFE CARE
In early May, The Register-Guard in Eugene published a similar version of the commentary.
Hopefully, many readers of these newspapers and their on-line websites will take action and complete their advance directives.
Your advance directive, combined with your ethical will and legal will, provide a clear picture of your health care wishes, your values, and your material assets. I encourage you to complete all three documents. Give yourself and your loved ones these "gifts of a lifetime."
Friday, May 12, 2006
Finding Your Voice (Mary Pipher)
One of my favorite non-fiction writers is therapist Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, Another Country, and The Shadow of Each Other. I was pleased to learn about her new book, Writing to Change The World, which I began reading this week.
In Pipher's chapter titled "What You Alone Can Say", she writes about finding your voice -- a subject I've commented about in regard to the importance of writing ("speaking") in your own voice in your ethical will. Mary writes that:
"Voice is everything we are, all that we have observed, the emotional chords that are uniquely ours -- all our flaws and all of our strengths, expressed in words that best reflect us. Voice is like a snowflake -- complicated, beautiful, and individual. It is essence of self, distilled and offered in service to the world."
Pipher goes on to say, "By diving into the experience of writing, you will learn what you truly think and who you really are. Your self-exploration is a way to pay attention to the work, within yourself and outside yourself, and to experience that Allen Ginsberg called 'surprise mind'. Try answering these questions on paper:
What makes you laugh, cry, and open your heart?
What points do you repeatedly make to those you love?
What topics keep you up at night, or help you fall asleep?
What do you know to be true?
What do you consider to be evil?
What is beautiful to you?
What do you most respect in others?
What excites your curiosity?
If you were the ruler of the world, what would you do first?
What do you want to accomplish before you die?"
What great questions to ask yourself in writing your ethical will (or a poem ... or song ... or a blog!)!
I'm going to add many of these questions to the "reflections exercises" I offer in my ethical will classes and write my own answers to all of them. I invite you to do the same ... and would love to hear how they helped you "find your voice".
Thank you, Mary Pipher, for your insights and for all the "writing to change the world" that you have done over the years!
In Pipher's chapter titled "What You Alone Can Say", she writes about finding your voice -- a subject I've commented about in regard to the importance of writing ("speaking") in your own voice in your ethical will. Mary writes that:
"Voice is everything we are, all that we have observed, the emotional chords that are uniquely ours -- all our flaws and all of our strengths, expressed in words that best reflect us. Voice is like a snowflake -- complicated, beautiful, and individual. It is essence of self, distilled and offered in service to the world."
Pipher goes on to say, "By diving into the experience of writing, you will learn what you truly think and who you really are. Your self-exploration is a way to pay attention to the work, within yourself and outside yourself, and to experience that Allen Ginsberg called 'surprise mind'. Try answering these questions on paper:
What makes you laugh, cry, and open your heart?
What points do you repeatedly make to those you love?
What topics keep you up at night, or help you fall asleep?
What do you know to be true?
What do you consider to be evil?
What is beautiful to you?
What do you most respect in others?
What excites your curiosity?
If you were the ruler of the world, what would you do first?
What do you want to accomplish before you die?"
What great questions to ask yourself in writing your ethical will (or a poem ... or song ... or a blog!)!
I'm going to add many of these questions to the "reflections exercises" I offer in my ethical will classes and write my own answers to all of them. I invite you to do the same ... and would love to hear how they helped you "find your voice".
Thank you, Mary Pipher, for your insights and for all the "writing to change the world" that you have done over the years!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Topic Outlines for An Ethical Will
If you're ready and willing to get started on your ethical will, here are two possible outlines for your use in organizing your writing (or taping an "interview" with yourself). Use them if you’d like, making additions and changes as desired, or create your own version.
ETHICAL WILL OUTLINE - Option 1
A. OPENING THOUGHTS & PURPOSE
State who you are addressing and what you hope to share in your ethical will.
B. YOUR VALUES
Identify what has mattered most – what you’ve have stood for – in your life.
What did you devote most of your time to? For what reasons?
C. LIFE EXPERIENCES & LESSONS LEARNED
Describe important life experiences and what you learned from them.
Who were the most important people and how did they influence you?
Share about your name(s) and tell your story about growing up. Tell the stories that your grandparents told you (and what they told you about their ancestors).
Describe memorable family and worklife experiences and what they meant to you.
D. YOUR BELIEFS
Share your spiritual beliefs and the faith that guided and sustained you during the “ups and downs” of your life.
E. LOVE & FORGIVENESS
Express your love to people you care about, ask for forgiveness if you have any regrets, and forgive those who may have hurt you.
F. HOPES FOR THE FUTURE
Share your dreams and wishes for your family members, friends, and community.
Offer your personal “words of wisdom” and guidance for the lives of loved ones.
G. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Express your gratitude to people who have loved and supported you on your life journey.
Give thanks for your life and bless those who follow in future generations.
ETHICAL WILL OUTLINE - Option 2
1. OPENING THOUGHTS & PURPOSE
State who you are addressing and what you hope to share in your ethical will.
2.THE PAST
Share about your name(s) and legacies you’ve received.
Tell ancestral stories that were told to you.
Share your own family stories that you’d like people to remember.
Include any photos and/or other remembrances from the past.
3. THE PRESENT
Share your values -- what has mattered most – what you’ve have stood for – in your life.
What did you devote most of your time to? For what reasons?
Describe important life experiences and what you learned from them.
Who were the most important people and how did they influence you?
Share your spiritual beliefs and the faith that guided and sustained you during the “ups and downs” of your life.
Include any photos and/or other remembrances from the present.
4. THE FUTURE
Express your love to people you care about, ask for forgiveness if you have any regrets, and forgive those who may have hurt you.
Share your dreams and wishes for your family members, friends, and community.
Offer your personal “words of wisdom” and guidance for the lives of loved ones.
Bless those who follow you in future generations of your family.
5. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Express your gratitude to people who have loved and supported you on your life journey.
Give thanks for your life.
Whichever outline or elements of the suggested outlines you decide to use, remember that your ethical will is a personal expression of your heart ... your personal legacy of the life you've lived. So be sure that it “speaks” in your unique voice and that its content represents what has been most important in your life. Think of your ethical will as a heartfelt gift that you’re giving to future generations of your family, friends, and community.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Examples of Ethical Wills
In our talks and classes, I encourage people to create an ethical will that best represents who they are, speaks in their unique voice, and employs a format that works comfortably for them -- either writing the document, audiotaping it, or videotaping for viewing by others. Audio and video versions should be transcribed to create a written document which can be more easily preserved (who knows what the next technology will be -- and whether our generation's old audio/videotapes will be able to be played in 2050? Remember the Beta vs. VHS format "battle"! Anyone seen a Beta videotape player lately?).
Participants often ask to see samples of documents others have created. I provide a couple of one to two page ethical wills and refer people to the many samples available on Barry Baines website, www.ethicalwill.com (see "Links"). A variety of documents done by people of different ages and life situations is provided at:
Examples of Ethical Wills
I also plan to provide "excerpts" from ethical wills done by people who previously took our class as well as some excerpts from my own document (which I'll share in a blog posting someday soon).
In my view, the most important thing is that people use their own creativity to envision an ethical will which genuinely represents their life spirit in both format and content. Some people incorporate photos of family, friends, mentors, and others who have influenced their life. Others include drawings or artwork they have created and clippings of old newspaper articles about them or major life-transforming events in their life. Or, they write a brief one-page "love letter" that blesses their family members and future generations.
It's your choice ... it's your life journey... it's your ethical will. And remember, the document can be changed and updated whenever you like ... and shared with loved ones now or later (but hopefully, before you've passed from this earth!).
Participants often ask to see samples of documents others have created. I provide a couple of one to two page ethical wills and refer people to the many samples available on Barry Baines website, www.ethicalwill.com (see "Links"). A variety of documents done by people of different ages and life situations is provided at:
Examples of Ethical Wills
I also plan to provide "excerpts" from ethical wills done by people who previously took our class as well as some excerpts from my own document (which I'll share in a blog posting someday soon).
In my view, the most important thing is that people use their own creativity to envision an ethical will which genuinely represents their life spirit in both format and content. Some people incorporate photos of family, friends, mentors, and others who have influenced their life. Others include drawings or artwork they have created and clippings of old newspaper articles about them or major life-transforming events in their life. Or, they write a brief one-page "love letter" that blesses their family members and future generations.
It's your choice ... it's your life journey... it's your ethical will. And remember, the document can be changed and updated whenever you like ... and shared with loved ones now or later (but hopefully, before you've passed from this earth!).
Friday, May 05, 2006
Healthy Aging & Ethical Wills
I was pleased to read what Andrew Weil, M.D. had to say about ethical wills in his latest book, Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide for Your Physical and Spiritual Well-Being:
"I can think of no better way to end this book than to recommend that you undertake the composition of an ethical will. No matter how old you are, it can be an exercise that will make you take stock of your life experience and distill from it the values and wisdom you have gained. You can then put the document aside, read it over as the years pass, and revise it from time to time as you see fit. Certainly, an ethical will can be a wonderful gift to leave your family at the end of your life, but I think its main importance is what it can give you in the midst of life."
He goes on to say in his "Twelve-Point Program for Healthy Aging" on the last page of his book:
"12. Keep an ongoing record of the lessons you learn, the wisdom you gain, and the values you hold. At critical points in your life, read this over, add to it, revise it, and share it with people you care about."
As a popular author, Dr. Weil's words of wisdom will be widely read and, I hope, will encourage more people to get started on an ethical will of their own.
"I can think of no better way to end this book than to recommend that you undertake the composition of an ethical will. No matter how old you are, it can be an exercise that will make you take stock of your life experience and distill from it the values and wisdom you have gained. You can then put the document aside, read it over as the years pass, and revise it from time to time as you see fit. Certainly, an ethical will can be a wonderful gift to leave your family at the end of your life, but I think its main importance is what it can give you in the midst of life."
He goes on to say in his "Twelve-Point Program for Healthy Aging" on the last page of his book:
"12. Keep an ongoing record of the lessons you learn, the wisdom you gain, and the values you hold. At critical points in your life, read this over, add to it, revise it, and share it with people you care about."
As a popular author, Dr. Weil's words of wisdom will be widely read and, I hope, will encourage more people to get started on an ethical will of their own.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Grandbob's Letter on Grandbaby Wisdom
Today's column by Bob Welch in our local newspaper was a great example of a "love letter" to the next generation of his family -- beautifully expressing the life learnings of a grandfather (and the wisdom of his grandchild!). I wrote to Bob and told him that he's made a great start on his own ethical will -- whether he knew it or not! Thank you Grandbob and Grandbaby Cade for sharing these "Elite Eight" teachable moments of your relationship!
Read Bob Welch's column at:
The Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon, USA
Read Bob Welch's column at:
The Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon, USA
Monday, May 01, 2006
"Mapping My Exit"
Last Sunday, I was invited to a local church to speak about ethical wills to a group of people who were taking their "Mapping My Exit" workshop. Started six years ago, the workshop consists of three, 2-hour sessions to help people get started with planning and expressing their final wishes. Speakers come to talk about legal, health care, financial, funeral, and other matters.
The workshop participants receive an excellent workbook that provides, in one place, all the necessary information that a family or personal representative needs to carry out one's wishes at the end-of-life. Just gather important information and fill-in the blanks on forms provided. What a gift of preplanning for the loved ones you leave behind!
In the midst of my talk, I always include a "reflections exercise" to give people a "living" experience of what it's like to do an ethical will. After taking time to reflect on a question, I ask people to share the thoughts that came to their mind with another person. Of course, the room always starts buzzing with the energy of lively conversation (which I'm reluctant to stop when "time is up" because people are enjoying their telling and listening so much!).
At this talk, I noticed a man in the front row who didn't have a partner to dialogue with -- so I sat down across from him and asked about what he had thought about. His response went something like this: "I've been blessed with 63 years of marriage, a great family, and work I enjoyed. God gave me an ability to teach and I've influenced the lives of thousands of people." I asked him how old he was. "87", he said.
"What about your health?," I inquired. "Relatively good," he said. "I lost an eye years ago. Of course, I asked the usual 'why me?' questions. But, looking back, it didn't really affect my life that much. I was able to serve in the military and teach for years. A few years ago though, I had a problem with my 'good' eye and was blind for four days. When I couldn't see anything and lay there wondering if I'd ever see again, poems started coming to me in the midst of the 'blackness'. And, you know, when my sight returned, I wrote those poems down. And I've continued writing poems. I just wrote one today. Now I have over 200 of them", he said, with a smile and twinkle in his eyes. What a wonderful personal legacy to share with future generations of his family!
The workshop participants receive an excellent workbook that provides, in one place, all the necessary information that a family or personal representative needs to carry out one's wishes at the end-of-life. Just gather important information and fill-in the blanks on forms provided. What a gift of preplanning for the loved ones you leave behind!
In the midst of my talk, I always include a "reflections exercise" to give people a "living" experience of what it's like to do an ethical will. After taking time to reflect on a question, I ask people to share the thoughts that came to their mind with another person. Of course, the room always starts buzzing with the energy of lively conversation (which I'm reluctant to stop when "time is up" because people are enjoying their telling and listening so much!).
At this talk, I noticed a man in the front row who didn't have a partner to dialogue with -- so I sat down across from him and asked about what he had thought about. His response went something like this: "I've been blessed with 63 years of marriage, a great family, and work I enjoyed. God gave me an ability to teach and I've influenced the lives of thousands of people." I asked him how old he was. "87", he said.
"What about your health?," I inquired. "Relatively good," he said. "I lost an eye years ago. Of course, I asked the usual 'why me?' questions. But, looking back, it didn't really affect my life that much. I was able to serve in the military and teach for years. A few years ago though, I had a problem with my 'good' eye and was blind for four days. When I couldn't see anything and lay there wondering if I'd ever see again, poems started coming to me in the midst of the 'blackness'. And, you know, when my sight returned, I wrote those poems down. And I've continued writing poems. I just wrote one today. Now I have over 200 of them", he said, with a smile and twinkle in his eyes. What a wonderful personal legacy to share with future generations of his family!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Seven Questions to Reflect On
Among the many possible questions you may want to use to start creating your ethical will are:
1. Who influenced you most in your life and what did you learn from them that affected the way you've lived?
2. Describe the most important experiences of your life. What did they teach you?
3. What was the happiest time of your life? The saddest time?
4. What spiritual beliefs have guided and sustained you?
5. Describe the family stories you'd like people to remember. What meaning do they have for you?
6. What are you most proud of? Any regrets?
7. What do you wish you had learned earlier in life?
Pondering these questions could take days or months. But the most important decision is to get started with just one. Add "ethical will" time to your calendar (at least 2 hours to start). Then find a comfortable place to write. I prefer my comfy forest green recliner at home (alone) and some classical music in the background. I've also done some writing in a busy coffee shop with lots of distractions in the background. Whatever works for you!
I like writing longhand with my favorite pen in a "college-ruled 1 subject" notebook. Somehow, writing about personal experiences works best for me when my hand is moving (and not just my fingertips "tap-tapping" on my laptop). I think it was Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones who first clued me in to the idea of the heart-mind-body connection in the writing process. Thank you, Natalie, wherever you are!
So, if you're ready and willing, start with the one question that appeals to you most. Close your eyes and breathe, three long slow deep breaths. Then breathe normally for awhile as you consider the question. Open your eyes and write without stopping for as long as it takes to get what you want to say down on paper (or into your computer). Forget about editing for now. Just write. Enjoy the process. And be surprised by your memories, life learnings, and wisdom!
1. Who influenced you most in your life and what did you learn from them that affected the way you've lived?
2. Describe the most important experiences of your life. What did they teach you?
3. What was the happiest time of your life? The saddest time?
4. What spiritual beliefs have guided and sustained you?
5. Describe the family stories you'd like people to remember. What meaning do they have for you?
6. What are you most proud of? Any regrets?
7. What do you wish you had learned earlier in life?
Pondering these questions could take days or months. But the most important decision is to get started with just one. Add "ethical will" time to your calendar (at least 2 hours to start). Then find a comfortable place to write. I prefer my comfy forest green recliner at home (alone) and some classical music in the background. I've also done some writing in a busy coffee shop with lots of distractions in the background. Whatever works for you!
I like writing longhand with my favorite pen in a "college-ruled 1 subject" notebook. Somehow, writing about personal experiences works best for me when my hand is moving (and not just my fingertips "tap-tapping" on my laptop). I think it was Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones who first clued me in to the idea of the heart-mind-body connection in the writing process. Thank you, Natalie, wherever you are!
So, if you're ready and willing, start with the one question that appeals to you most. Close your eyes and breathe, three long slow deep breaths. Then breathe normally for awhile as you consider the question. Open your eyes and write without stopping for as long as it takes to get what you want to say down on paper (or into your computer). Forget about editing for now. Just write. Enjoy the process. And be surprised by your memories, life learnings, and wisdom!
"Pickles" Comics on Ethical Wills (April 28)
Had a good chuckle this morning when I read "Pickles" and saw that Earl was getting started on his own Ethical Will. As a Minnesota "native", I now know for sure that Earl grew up in my old neighborhood.
Take a peek at: The Wisdom of "Pickles"
Take a peek at: The Wisdom of "Pickles"
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Getting Started on Your Ethical Will
There seem to be different stages of "readiness" for creating an ethical will. For me, like I've done with many new things I've considered doing in my life, I started by educating myself through reading about ethical wills -- in magazine articles, Barry Baines book on the subject, and on related websites (see Links). With what I learned, I got to a point of willingness (the "tipping point") that got me to begin writing down questions I wanted to reflect on to create content for my ethical will as well as think through my intentions for completing such a document.
As a long-time (off-and-on) journal writer for much of my life, I felt very comfortable about doing the writing but struggled with scheduling time to do it. If there would have been a class or writing group in town working on ethical wills at the time, I would have joined it to "kick-start" the process. (NOTE: Now, a year later, I'm facilitating such classes to help others get started on their own ethical wills).
Whether you join a class to get started or begin on your own, there are (at least) three approaches to use: 1) start with a blank page (usually only for people who've done lots of "open-ended" journal or diary writing); 2) begin with specific questions or "reflections" exercises and an outline (the approach I prefer); 3) start with a list of statements (already written by someone else) for you to choose from and an outline (easiest and quickest, but least satisfying in my experience). Dr. Baines book and software on his website are the only source I know of for implementig approach #3.
One of the most intriguing ways of getting started that I heard from a man at one of my talks was his plan to start with his family heirlooms. He had several pieces of antique furniture which had been passed down to him by earlier generations of his family and he was the only person left who knew the "story" of each piece. He decided to write about the people he received the furniture from, what he knew about when the antique came into the family, and the meaning each piece had for him. Then he planned to place a copy of what he had written about each antique on the back so his heirs would know its family story as it was passed from generation to generation. What a wonderful way to honor past generations of your family and convey your own spirit to future generations!
Whichever approach you use, I think it's most important to write "from your heart", speaking in your own unique voice. Write like you talk (or tape record what you have to say and then transcribe your words). Be sure to use words that "do no harm". An ethical will is not the place to guilt-trip or attempt to change the "evil ways" of anyone in your family. It helps to approach the writing as your "love letter" to future generations -- a heartfelt blessing for the people you leave behind when you die and for their children and grandchildren. Remember that you are creating a personal legacy of your lifetime.
As a long-time (off-and-on) journal writer for much of my life, I felt very comfortable about doing the writing but struggled with scheduling time to do it. If there would have been a class or writing group in town working on ethical wills at the time, I would have joined it to "kick-start" the process. (NOTE: Now, a year later, I'm facilitating such classes to help others get started on their own ethical wills).
Whether you join a class to get started or begin on your own, there are (at least) three approaches to use: 1) start with a blank page (usually only for people who've done lots of "open-ended" journal or diary writing); 2) begin with specific questions or "reflections" exercises and an outline (the approach I prefer); 3) start with a list of statements (already written by someone else) for you to choose from and an outline (easiest and quickest, but least satisfying in my experience). Dr. Baines book and software on his website are the only source I know of for implementig approach #3.
One of the most intriguing ways of getting started that I heard from a man at one of my talks was his plan to start with his family heirlooms. He had several pieces of antique furniture which had been passed down to him by earlier generations of his family and he was the only person left who knew the "story" of each piece. He decided to write about the people he received the furniture from, what he knew about when the antique came into the family, and the meaning each piece had for him. Then he planned to place a copy of what he had written about each antique on the back so his heirs would know its family story as it was passed from generation to generation. What a wonderful way to honor past generations of your family and convey your own spirit to future generations!
Whichever approach you use, I think it's most important to write "from your heart", speaking in your own unique voice. Write like you talk (or tape record what you have to say and then transcribe your words). Be sure to use words that "do no harm". An ethical will is not the place to guilt-trip or attempt to change the "evil ways" of anyone in your family. It helps to approach the writing as your "love letter" to future generations -- a heartfelt blessing for the people you leave behind when you die and for their children and grandchildren. Remember that you are creating a personal legacy of your lifetime.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Most People Die With Their Music Still Inside Them
Last week at a local bookstore, I noticed a book titled And Never Stop Dancing by Gordon Livingston, M.D. It's subtitle is "Thirty More True Things You Need to Know Now". I bought the book and have enjoyed my bedtime reading of the wisdom of Dr. Livingston, a psychiatrist and writer who also wrote Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart (which I look forward to reading soon).
Among Dr. Livingston's 30 "true things" about life are explorations of: We are defined by what we fear. It is a sense of meaning that nourishes the soul. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. The last two pages of his last chapter -- Most people die with their music still inside them -- offers the following insightful comments about ethical wills:
"Some people have provided a variation on this exercise (writing one's own obituary) by use of what has become known as "ethical wills". Unlike a conventional will that is used to distribute money and property, an ethical will is a statement of values that one imagines may be of interest or guidance to those who survive us. Constructing such a testimonial seems like a good idea, whether in contemplation of imminent death or a sort of midlife inventory of experience and beliefs that one would like to pass on to one's survivors.
The problem with the statements that I have read is that they tend to contain a lot of advice. This is, I suppose yet another example of the usual dialogue between the generations in which those who are older feel a need to tell those who are younger what to do. How much better received we would be if we simply told our stories and left the moral for the listeners to divine. In writers' workshops the operative instruction is "show, don't tell." Thus implies that we learn best about values by seeing how other people have expressed what they believed by their actions and not being told to "follow your passion," or "do unto others ...," or "live an honest life". Most of us know what we should do; we just need models of how those who have gone before us have reified their beliefs.
It's not surprising that when we contemplate our mortality we tend to feel a little desperate about being remembered. "He not busy being born is busying dying." Bob Dylan said. His music will not be buried with him."
Well said, Dr. Livingston. I better take another look at my "in-process" ethical will to see how I've been doing regarding your "show, don't tell" instruction.
Among Dr. Livingston's 30 "true things" about life are explorations of: We are defined by what we fear. It is a sense of meaning that nourishes the soul. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. The last two pages of his last chapter -- Most people die with their music still inside them -- offers the following insightful comments about ethical wills:
"Some people have provided a variation on this exercise (writing one's own obituary) by use of what has become known as "ethical wills". Unlike a conventional will that is used to distribute money and property, an ethical will is a statement of values that one imagines may be of interest or guidance to those who survive us. Constructing such a testimonial seems like a good idea, whether in contemplation of imminent death or a sort of midlife inventory of experience and beliefs that one would like to pass on to one's survivors.
The problem with the statements that I have read is that they tend to contain a lot of advice. This is, I suppose yet another example of the usual dialogue between the generations in which those who are older feel a need to tell those who are younger what to do. How much better received we would be if we simply told our stories and left the moral for the listeners to divine. In writers' workshops the operative instruction is "show, don't tell." Thus implies that we learn best about values by seeing how other people have expressed what they believed by their actions and not being told to "follow your passion," or "do unto others ...," or "live an honest life". Most of us know what we should do; we just need models of how those who have gone before us have reified their beliefs.
It's not surprising that when we contemplate our mortality we tend to feel a little desperate about being remembered. "He not busy being born is busying dying." Bob Dylan said. His music will not be buried with him."
Well said, Dr. Livingston. I better take another look at my "in-process" ethical will to see how I've been doing regarding your "show, don't tell" instruction.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Reflections Exercise - Questions to Consider
As promised yesterday, here is the reflections exercise I use in my introductory talk on ethical wills. I'll add some commentary about typical responses following the exercise.
TWO QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER IN CREATING YOUR ETHICAL WILL
Take a few moments to relax and quiet your mind. Breathe three, long slow deep breaths. Then read the first question below, close your eyes and focus on your heart while breathing normally. Listen for your inner voice and hear the answer to the question from your heart. When you're ready, open your eyes and write down the words you received from your heart. Then, repeat this process for the second question.
1. Who were the most influential people in your life? What did you learn from them that affected the way you've lived?
2. How has life blessed you -- given you special gifts? What have these gifts meant to you as you've lived your life?
COMMENTARY:
Often people have been surprised by how they feel when they consciously breathe with a focus on their heart -- and by how clearly their inner voice speaks to them. Then, as they begin writing, so much flows forth that the pen seems to be writing by itself! Memories are recalled, learnings crystalize, wisdom emerges.
In answering the first question, most people in my talks have considered one or both parents to be the most influential people in the lives, but teachers, close relatives, friends, mentors, and authors are close behind. Quite often, the issue of "negative" influences -- usually one parent or another person in an early period on someone's life -- come to the surface. Surprising to some is the fact that their "negative" experiences have ultimately led to important learnings that transformed into blessings for the way they've chosen to live their life. In my own experience, I know that my difficult relationship with my father for most of our lives has taught me forgiveness in a deeper way I than I probably could ever have "gotten it". Now, I can also see the connection between how I learned to "show up and be present" for others and the way my dad was so "negatively" distant and unavailable to me in my life.
Most people easily "connect the dots" between the influencial people in their lives and their most important life learnings -- affecting their values, beliefs, vocational choices, relationships -- all of these (and more) have influenced the way they've lived as a result of experiences with key people in their childhood, youth, and later life.
The second question regarding the special gifts that life has given a person has proven more powerful and revealing than I ever imagined. Generally, people who've done this exercise during my ethical will talk have clearly recognized the gifts -- the blessings -- that life has graced them with. Most know what an incredible difference these special gifts have made in their life and feel a deep sense of gratitude for life's blessings. But many have been surprised when they've recognized the connection between the gifts they have been given (by their Creator, God, or Life itself) and their "purpose" or "mission" in life.
I've found in my own life and in the lives of people I've counseled over the past 20+ years that knowing your "special gifts" reveals -- and opens -- the doorway to living your life "on purpose". If you ever have any doubts about what you need to be "doing" (and "being") in your life, start using (and giving!) the gifts that life has given you. Bless others with the blessings you have received. When you do, you'll feel absolutely certain about "why I am here" on this Earth -- at this time, in this place, and for however many days you have left to live.
TWO QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER IN CREATING YOUR ETHICAL WILL
Take a few moments to relax and quiet your mind. Breathe three, long slow deep breaths. Then read the first question below, close your eyes and focus on your heart while breathing normally. Listen for your inner voice and hear the answer to the question from your heart. When you're ready, open your eyes and write down the words you received from your heart. Then, repeat this process for the second question.
1. Who were the most influential people in your life? What did you learn from them that affected the way you've lived?
2. How has life blessed you -- given you special gifts? What have these gifts meant to you as you've lived your life?
COMMENTARY:
Often people have been surprised by how they feel when they consciously breathe with a focus on their heart -- and by how clearly their inner voice speaks to them. Then, as they begin writing, so much flows forth that the pen seems to be writing by itself! Memories are recalled, learnings crystalize, wisdom emerges.
In answering the first question, most people in my talks have considered one or both parents to be the most influential people in the lives, but teachers, close relatives, friends, mentors, and authors are close behind. Quite often, the issue of "negative" influences -- usually one parent or another person in an early period on someone's life -- come to the surface. Surprising to some is the fact that their "negative" experiences have ultimately led to important learnings that transformed into blessings for the way they've chosen to live their life. In my own experience, I know that my difficult relationship with my father for most of our lives has taught me forgiveness in a deeper way I than I probably could ever have "gotten it". Now, I can also see the connection between how I learned to "show up and be present" for others and the way my dad was so "negatively" distant and unavailable to me in my life.
Most people easily "connect the dots" between the influencial people in their lives and their most important life learnings -- affecting their values, beliefs, vocational choices, relationships -- all of these (and more) have influenced the way they've lived as a result of experiences with key people in their childhood, youth, and later life.
The second question regarding the special gifts that life has given a person has proven more powerful and revealing than I ever imagined. Generally, people who've done this exercise during my ethical will talk have clearly recognized the gifts -- the blessings -- that life has graced them with. Most know what an incredible difference these special gifts have made in their life and feel a deep sense of gratitude for life's blessings. But many have been surprised when they've recognized the connection between the gifts they have been given (by their Creator, God, or Life itself) and their "purpose" or "mission" in life.
I've found in my own life and in the lives of people I've counseled over the past 20+ years that knowing your "special gifts" reveals -- and opens -- the doorway to living your life "on purpose". If you ever have any doubts about what you need to be "doing" (and "being") in your life, start using (and giving!) the gifts that life has given you. Bless others with the blessings you have received. When you do, you'll feel absolutely certain about "why I am here" on this Earth -- at this time, in this place, and for however many days you have left to live.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Introductory Talk on Ethical Wills
This morning I did a "Create A Legacy of Your Lifetime" talk at our senior center in Eugene. Seven people showed up for the 1-1/2 hour introduction to ethical wills -- five women and two men (one by himself, the other with his wife). Amazingly, a 98 year old woman came with her daughter (she wants to record the family stories that only "Mom" knows).
In my introduction, I share what I've learned about ethical wills and why I decided to begin speaking about my experience -- then talk about what they are, why to do one for yourself, when to begin (sooner the better!), and various approaches people use in writing an ethical will. Then I ask the participants to join me in a "reflection exercise" so they can get an idea of what types of questions are helpful in generating content for their ethical will. (I will share that exercise in a future post -- since the document file isn't on my laptop).
After we individually write our responses to the reflection questions, I ask people to share what they wrote with one other person in the group. The room quickly begins "buzzing" with conversation -- full of energized sharing about important experiences in people's lives. Whenever I do this exercise, it feels like the conversations could go on for hours -- but, unfortunately, I have to bring the discussions to the close to finish at our promised time.
This morning, with seven participants, I had the honor of being paired with the 98 year old woman for our reflections sharing. I wish I would have had a tape recorder to capture all that I heard about her life in just 10 minutes -- about growing up on a small farm in eastern Tennessee (where she learned thriftyness and tea-totaling from her parents), about being sent off to live with relatives in a town 15 miles from home so she could go to high school (her sister stayed at home), about saving money until she had $300 that allowed her to begin going to college (in the late 1920's), about working at various jobs for 25 and 50 cents an hour to stay in college and graduate in 1932, then going one to graduate school in Botany -- and working 5 long years toward her doctorate (a "mistake" to stay so long, she said, because her male professor blocked her from getting the PhD she had worked so hard for). She left school and went on to qualify and work in civil service jobs for 40 years. I asked her how long she was married. "Over 60 years", she said with tears welling up in her eyes "...to a Botantist!" There was lots more to say ... and lots more I would have loved to ask her about her life ... but we had to move on. What a blessing those few minutes of one-to-one time with her were for me!
I fervently hope the life story, the life lessons, and wisdom of this incredible woman get down on paper or tape recorded for sharing with current and future generations of women (and men who never knew how badly women of her generation were treated by the patriarchal "fathers" and corporate systems of her day ... and continuing into her daughter's generation ... and still alive today in many parts of our country and the world).
My talk concludes with a discussion of when to share an ethical will with family and friends (while still alive, I wholeheartedly recommend!), with some ideas on how to do it (special celebrations, important anniversaries or birthdays), and some ways to preserve ethical will documents so they'll last for generations. I ask for questions and feedback from participants (which sparks enjoyable converation and gives me excellent input for improving the introductory session)-- then share ideas for "what next?" (join an ethical will writing group, do one by yourself with "start-up" reflection questions from my handouts and from ethical will books, or get individual help from me or a friend who shares your interest).
Before people leave, I always encourage them to do an ethical will for themselves most of all. It's a worthwhile experience to take time to reflect on your life and "harvest" your life learnings -- no matter what your age. Then share your ethical will with family and friends when the time is right for you. Keep your values, stories, and wisdom alive for future generations!
In my introduction, I share what I've learned about ethical wills and why I decided to begin speaking about my experience -- then talk about what they are, why to do one for yourself, when to begin (sooner the better!), and various approaches people use in writing an ethical will. Then I ask the participants to join me in a "reflection exercise" so they can get an idea of what types of questions are helpful in generating content for their ethical will. (I will share that exercise in a future post -- since the document file isn't on my laptop).
After we individually write our responses to the reflection questions, I ask people to share what they wrote with one other person in the group. The room quickly begins "buzzing" with conversation -- full of energized sharing about important experiences in people's lives. Whenever I do this exercise, it feels like the conversations could go on for hours -- but, unfortunately, I have to bring the discussions to the close to finish at our promised time.
This morning, with seven participants, I had the honor of being paired with the 98 year old woman for our reflections sharing. I wish I would have had a tape recorder to capture all that I heard about her life in just 10 minutes -- about growing up on a small farm in eastern Tennessee (where she learned thriftyness and tea-totaling from her parents), about being sent off to live with relatives in a town 15 miles from home so she could go to high school (her sister stayed at home), about saving money until she had $300 that allowed her to begin going to college (in the late 1920's), about working at various jobs for 25 and 50 cents an hour to stay in college and graduate in 1932, then going one to graduate school in Botany -- and working 5 long years toward her doctorate (a "mistake" to stay so long, she said, because her male professor blocked her from getting the PhD she had worked so hard for). She left school and went on to qualify and work in civil service jobs for 40 years. I asked her how long she was married. "Over 60 years", she said with tears welling up in her eyes "...to a Botantist!" There was lots more to say ... and lots more I would have loved to ask her about her life ... but we had to move on. What a blessing those few minutes of one-to-one time with her were for me!
I fervently hope the life story, the life lessons, and wisdom of this incredible woman get down on paper or tape recorded for sharing with current and future generations of women (and men who never knew how badly women of her generation were treated by the patriarchal "fathers" and corporate systems of her day ... and continuing into her daughter's generation ... and still alive today in many parts of our country and the world).
My talk concludes with a discussion of when to share an ethical will with family and friends (while still alive, I wholeheartedly recommend!), with some ideas on how to do it (special celebrations, important anniversaries or birthdays), and some ways to preserve ethical will documents so they'll last for generations. I ask for questions and feedback from participants (which sparks enjoyable converation and gives me excellent input for improving the introductory session)-- then share ideas for "what next?" (join an ethical will writing group, do one by yourself with "start-up" reflection questions from my handouts and from ethical will books, or get individual help from me or a friend who shares your interest).
Before people leave, I always encourage them to do an ethical will for themselves most of all. It's a worthwhile experience to take time to reflect on your life and "harvest" your life learnings -- no matter what your age. Then share your ethical will with family and friends when the time is right for you. Keep your values, stories, and wisdom alive for future generations!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Learning About Ethical Wills
I first read about ethical wills in a magazine article titled "Gift of a Lifetime". The writer referred to a book -- Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper by Barry Baines, M. D. -- which I bought and read with interest. It offers an excellent overview on ethical wills, recommended formats and questions to help you get started, and provides several samples of ethical wills people have written.
I also took a look at Dr. Baines website, www.ethicalwill.com, and decided to contact him about a program he offers for workshop leaders. Since I had facilitated many workshops and support groups over the past 20 years, I decided to order the Ethical Wills Workshop Leader's Guide offered on the website with the idea that I might begin "teaching what I need to learn" sometime in the future.
After receiving and reviewing the workshop leader's guide, I decided to first create and offer a short talk about ethical wills at our local senior centers and OASIS Adult Activity Center. Since I had prevously done several community talks in my previous job as community relations coordinator for an in-home care provider, I was able to schedule and present three 1-1 1/2 hour talks over a period of 6 months period in Eugene-Springfield. The talks were well-received by interested groups ranging from 8 - 22 people, most of whom were women 60+ in age -- with some husbands along with their wives and a rare few other elderly men by themselves.
Creating and presenting the ethical will introductory talk -- which I called "Your Life's Legacy: Blessing Future Generations" -- was (and still is) an enjoyable experience for me. In future blog posts, I will share highlights of the talk and the experiential "reflection exercises" I use to help people begin the process of creating their own ethical will.
I also took a look at Dr. Baines website, www.ethicalwill.com, and decided to contact him about a program he offers for workshop leaders. Since I had facilitated many workshops and support groups over the past 20 years, I decided to order the Ethical Wills Workshop Leader's Guide offered on the website with the idea that I might begin "teaching what I need to learn" sometime in the future.
After receiving and reviewing the workshop leader's guide, I decided to first create and offer a short talk about ethical wills at our local senior centers and OASIS Adult Activity Center. Since I had prevously done several community talks in my previous job as community relations coordinator for an in-home care provider, I was able to schedule and present three 1-1 1/2 hour talks over a period of 6 months period in Eugene-Springfield. The talks were well-received by interested groups ranging from 8 - 22 people, most of whom were women 60+ in age -- with some husbands along with their wives and a rare few other elderly men by themselves.
Creating and presenting the ethical will introductory talk -- which I called "Your Life's Legacy: Blessing Future Generations" -- was (and still is) an enjoyable experience for me. In future blog posts, I will share highlights of the talk and the experiential "reflection exercises" I use to help people begin the process of creating their own ethical will.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Hospice Experience & Ethical Wills
As a hospice volunteer, I've had the privilege of sitting by the bedside of people who are living their dying. With every person I've met at the last stage of their lives, I've learned many lessons about living and, especially, about the grace in dying. As I look back at my hospice experiences, I know that I was quietly drawn to the subject of ethical wills as a result of my time with one man.
I was asked by a family to tape record stories about the life of an elderly man for his children and grandchildren to listen to after his death. I recall driving to the rural home of his daughter where he lived and, at her request, let myself in the house and found the tape recorder she had left for me to use. I went into the bedroom and sat down next to the bed and introduced myself to the gentleman -- telling him that his daughter had asked me to record some stories about his life. "Oh, no, I don't want to do that. I don't like the sound of my voice anymore" he said. His voice did seem strained to me but he was clear and understandable. I sat with him in silence for awhile, wondering if he was ever going to start talking again. I looked around the room for something to ask him about ... then noticed a big tattoo on his arm ... and asked "where did you get that great tattoo?" He started telling me the story of the tattoo ... which lead to a story about his work in Africa ... which lead to another story about his life ... and, finally, an hour or so later, he said it was time for him to rest. I thanked him and said I'd be back next week to see him again. I left the tape full of stories next to the recorder for his daughter and let myself out of the house.
The next week when I returned, I was surprised to see the man sitting up in his bed with a sense of readiness to get more of his stories recorded. As soon as I got the recorder and microphone ready to go, he immediately started telling a story which I sensed he had been waiting to have recorded. I was blessed with another great hour of listening to his life stories and hoped that his loved ones would enjoy hearing him tell them as much as I did. Once again, he knew when it was time to stop. I thanked him once again and said I'd see him the following week. I left another tape full of new (old) stories for his daughter and drove home wondering what new life adventures he'd tell me about next week.
The next week's storytelling never happened. I received a call two days before I was to see the man again and was told he had died the night before. Such is the reality of being a hospice volunteer. You learn to cherish the moments, knowing that each contact you have with a person may be the last. Yes, I knew he was going to die and yes, I would have loved to hear even more stories about his interesting life. Mostly, I was happy that I had been invited into his life to help bring those two tapes of his stories into existence for his loved ones to hear again ... and again ... and pass along to the next generation of his family.
The value and importance of life stories and life lessons of family members really touched my heart in the few hours I spent with this dying man. Such stories from individual lives and what a person learned on their life journey can be an integral part of an ethical will.
I was asked by a family to tape record stories about the life of an elderly man for his children and grandchildren to listen to after his death. I recall driving to the rural home of his daughter where he lived and, at her request, let myself in the house and found the tape recorder she had left for me to use. I went into the bedroom and sat down next to the bed and introduced myself to the gentleman -- telling him that his daughter had asked me to record some stories about his life. "Oh, no, I don't want to do that. I don't like the sound of my voice anymore" he said. His voice did seem strained to me but he was clear and understandable. I sat with him in silence for awhile, wondering if he was ever going to start talking again. I looked around the room for something to ask him about ... then noticed a big tattoo on his arm ... and asked "where did you get that great tattoo?" He started telling me the story of the tattoo ... which lead to a story about his work in Africa ... which lead to another story about his life ... and, finally, an hour or so later, he said it was time for him to rest. I thanked him and said I'd be back next week to see him again. I left the tape full of stories next to the recorder for his daughter and let myself out of the house.
The next week when I returned, I was surprised to see the man sitting up in his bed with a sense of readiness to get more of his stories recorded. As soon as I got the recorder and microphone ready to go, he immediately started telling a story which I sensed he had been waiting to have recorded. I was blessed with another great hour of listening to his life stories and hoped that his loved ones would enjoy hearing him tell them as much as I did. Once again, he knew when it was time to stop. I thanked him once again and said I'd see him the following week. I left another tape full of new (old) stories for his daughter and drove home wondering what new life adventures he'd tell me about next week.
The next week's storytelling never happened. I received a call two days before I was to see the man again and was told he had died the night before. Such is the reality of being a hospice volunteer. You learn to cherish the moments, knowing that each contact you have with a person may be the last. Yes, I knew he was going to die and yes, I would have loved to hear even more stories about his interesting life. Mostly, I was happy that I had been invited into his life to help bring those two tapes of his stories into existence for his loved ones to hear again ... and again ... and pass along to the next generation of his family.
The value and importance of life stories and life lessons of family members really touched my heart in the few hours I spent with this dying man. Such stories from individual lives and what a person learned on their life journey can be an integral part of an ethical will.
Friday, April 07, 2006
What is an Ethical Will?
When I first heard about "ethical wills" a couple of years ago, I was immediately attracted to the idea of creating one of my own to share with my children, life partner, and friends. This blog covers my journey of writing an ethical will and invites others to discuss their ethical will experiences.
An ethical will offers a way to convey what is most important in your life -- your values, beliefs, stories, life lessons, wisdom, hopes, dreams, and blessings -- to the most important people in your life. Most ethical wills are in the form of a written document but others are audio or videotaped for listening and viewing. They are intended to be shared with your loved ones and passed along from generation to generation of your family.
Ethical wills are not legal documents but they can provide a personal context for completing your "last will and testament" (legal will) and your "living will" (advance directive for health care). They can also be a helpful guide for estate planning.
An ethical will offers a way to convey what is most important in your life -- your values, beliefs, stories, life lessons, wisdom, hopes, dreams, and blessings -- to the most important people in your life. Most ethical wills are in the form of a written document but others are audio or videotaped for listening and viewing. They are intended to be shared with your loved ones and passed along from generation to generation of your family.
Ethical wills are not legal documents but they can provide a personal context for completing your "last will and testament" (legal will) and your "living will" (advance directive for health care). They can also be a helpful guide for estate planning.
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