The latest mailing I received from Shambhala Sun included an insert with a Commentary by Pema Chodron that offers wisdom for "present moment" living:
"The traditional four reminders are basic reminders of why one might make a continual effort to return to the present moment. In your daily life, try to:
1. Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life. Beginning to realize how precious life is becomes one of your most powerful tools. It's like gratitude ... once you have this feeling of gratitude for your own life and the preciousness of human birth, then it takes you into any realm.
2. Be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone. Life is very brief. If you realize that you don't have that many more years to live and if you live your life as if you actually had only a day left, then the sense of impermanence heightens that feeling of preciousness and gratitude.
3. Recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result; what comes around, goes around. The law of karma is that we sow the seeds and we reap the fruit. So when you find yourself in a dark place ... you can think, "Maybe it's time to get a little golden spade and dig myself out of this place."
4. Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness."
From The Compassion Box and Awakening Loving-Kindness by Pema Chodron.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Executive Coach's Advice for Your Career Legacy
In the February 2008 issue of Money magazine, executive coach Marshall Goldsmith offers some legacy-creating advice for one's worklife:
Q. If you had to choose one piece of advice that would help people achieve more happiness on the job, what would it be?
A. Imagine that you're 95 years old, on your deathbed. But before you take that last breath, you get a wonderful gift: the ability to go back in time and talk to the younger you who's reading this story right now and help that younger you have a better career and, more important, a better life. What would that wise 95-year-old tell you to do? Now listen closely because this is the best bit of career coaching you're ever going to get: Whatever you think that 95-year-old would urge you to do, do it. Starting now. When the time comes, you want that 95-year-old to be proud of you. If he says you were a success, you were. Trust me, of all the performance appraisals you'll ever have, that's the only one that really matters.
You can watch the Marshall Goldsmith interview at cnnmoney.com/video.
Q. If you had to choose one piece of advice that would help people achieve more happiness on the job, what would it be?
A. Imagine that you're 95 years old, on your deathbed. But before you take that last breath, you get a wonderful gift: the ability to go back in time and talk to the younger you who's reading this story right now and help that younger you have a better career and, more important, a better life. What would that wise 95-year-old tell you to do? Now listen closely because this is the best bit of career coaching you're ever going to get: Whatever you think that 95-year-old would urge you to do, do it. Starting now. When the time comes, you want that 95-year-old to be proud of you. If he says you were a success, you were. Trust me, of all the performance appraisals you'll ever have, that's the only one that really matters.
You can watch the Marshall Goldsmith interview at cnnmoney.com/video.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Leadership Legacies: Built to Serve
Inspiring The Spirit of People at Work
Over the past 40 years, I've had the good fortune to work with hundreds of organizations ranging from multi-billion dollar global corporations and mid-sized companies to new start-ups, non-profits, and governments. I've experienced organizational life as an employee, client, supplier, and service provider in companies with as few as one employee and as many as hundreds of thousands of people.
While most all of the organizations I've been involved with have espoused that people are their most important asset, a rare few have actually put "people-first" into practice. Those with stated missions and values focused on people and service more often have practiced "numbers-first" in their day-to-day operations.
Such is the personal backdrop for my reading of Dan J. Sanders new book "Built-to-Serve: How to Drive the Bottom Line with People-First Practices." The author is the CEO of United Supermarkets, a privately-held company with stores in 26 cities.
Sanders is an engaging storyteller who begins each chapter of his book with a short story that demonstrates the lessons of his content. The stories come from his work experience which included being a U-2 reconnaissance pilot while serving in the Air Force as well as from meaningful events in the author’s life.
Calling for a paradigm shift in business, Sanders provides a hands-on guide for creating "sustainable, culture-driven, people-centered organizations." His view of leadership in organizations involves "more a choice than a position" and focuses primarily on service to others. From my perspective, Sanders offers guidance that complements the servant leadership model which Robert Greenleaf and others have written about.
An organization's culture consists of its values and the common vision held by its people as well as their behavior with one another and the customers they serve.
A people-centered organization engages people in a higher purpose and does not compromise its values. It remains faithful to the vision and mission of the organization 100% of the time. Leaders place the "highest level of importance on human beings." At United Supermarkets, they have reframed the Golden Rule to say:
In Sanders view, this guiding principle “fulfills the human spirit and allows for connecting people on a deeper level."
To be sustainable, organizations must engage people in service and focus on their long-term purpose while balancing the short-term needs of their people. Sanders maintains that "organizations that make people and service the cornerstone of their corporate identity enjoy sustainability."
The heart of the book centers on ways leaders can empower people to make decisions based on the organization's vision, mission, and commitment to sustainability. Sanders says a "clearly communicated and understood vision statement empowers team members to make decisions that support the organization's higher purpose." In his view, the best vision statements incorporate the higher purpose of the organization—that which is most significant to sustain it over time.
A good mission statement is critical as well because it eliminates confusion and reminds everyone of the organization's expectations. It inspires people on their journey toward realizing the organization's vision. Sanders encourages everyone to commit the words of their mission statement to memory and bring them to life in daily decisions. At United Supermarkets, their mission statement consists of just six words: Ultimate Service. Superior Performance. Positive Impact.
I was surprised (and pleased) to read that Sanders believes "the single biggest threat to an organization's success is pride." In my experience, pride has been a destructive element in many of the corporations I've worked with over the years (and has gotten in the way personally in small businesses I’ve started).
The kind of pride the author speaks of is “a high or overbearing opinion of one's worth or importance." To minimize its destructive affects, he suggests a three-step process that keeps people focused on the future, not the past; on the pursuit of excellence; and on the right kind of role models. By fostering humility and asking the right questions, leaders can put destructive pride in its place and maximize positive pride -- "the feeling of elation and satisfaction derived from achievement."
Sanders concludes each chapter with a summary of key points aptly titled "From the Express Lane" (great for speed readers and PowerPoint enthusiasts!). In the final chapter, he provides a "Carryout for Leaders" – a 10-point list which includes such guidance as "Surrender your ego", "No job is unimportant", and "Do not compromise integrity."
In the Afterword, Ken Blanchard, co-author of Leading at a Higher Level and The One Minute Manager, encourages readers to learn from Dan Sanders leadership and take action in their organizations. He calls on leaders to focus on three simple questions to guide their organizations to long-term success:
1. What have we done for our customers?
2. What have we done for our people?
3. What have we done for our community?
By putting the lessons of Built to Serve into practice, business leaders can create a profound shift in the vitality and performance of their organizations. I highly recommend the book to people at all levels in any size organization -- for inspiration, for guidance in leading, and for instilling life-enhancing principles in workplaces throughout our community and the world.
NOTE: Dan Sanders, Steven Covey, and others have started The Center for Corporate Culture to help leaders put the principles of "Built to Serve" into practice.
Over the past 40 years, I've had the good fortune to work with hundreds of organizations ranging from multi-billion dollar global corporations and mid-sized companies to new start-ups, non-profits, and governments. I've experienced organizational life as an employee, client, supplier, and service provider in companies with as few as one employee and as many as hundreds of thousands of people.
While most all of the organizations I've been involved with have espoused that people are their most important asset, a rare few have actually put "people-first" into practice. Those with stated missions and values focused on people and service more often have practiced "numbers-first" in their day-to-day operations.
Such is the personal backdrop for my reading of Dan J. Sanders new book "Built-to-Serve: How to Drive the Bottom Line with People-First Practices." The author is the CEO of United Supermarkets, a privately-held company with stores in 26 cities.Sanders is an engaging storyteller who begins each chapter of his book with a short story that demonstrates the lessons of his content. The stories come from his work experience which included being a U-2 reconnaissance pilot while serving in the Air Force as well as from meaningful events in the author’s life.
Calling for a paradigm shift in business, Sanders provides a hands-on guide for creating "sustainable, culture-driven, people-centered organizations." His view of leadership in organizations involves "more a choice than a position" and focuses primarily on service to others. From my perspective, Sanders offers guidance that complements the servant leadership model which Robert Greenleaf and others have written about.
An organization's culture consists of its values and the common vision held by its people as well as their behavior with one another and the customers they serve.
A people-centered organization engages people in a higher purpose and does not compromise its values. It remains faithful to the vision and mission of the organization 100% of the time. Leaders place the "highest level of importance on human beings." At United Supermarkets, they have reframed the Golden Rule to say:
"Do unto others as you would have your children done unto.”
In Sanders view, this guiding principle “fulfills the human spirit and allows for connecting people on a deeper level."
To be sustainable, organizations must engage people in service and focus on their long-term purpose while balancing the short-term needs of their people. Sanders maintains that "organizations that make people and service the cornerstone of their corporate identity enjoy sustainability."
The heart of the book centers on ways leaders can empower people to make decisions based on the organization's vision, mission, and commitment to sustainability. Sanders says a "clearly communicated and understood vision statement empowers team members to make decisions that support the organization's higher purpose." In his view, the best vision statements incorporate the higher purpose of the organization—that which is most significant to sustain it over time.
A good mission statement is critical as well because it eliminates confusion and reminds everyone of the organization's expectations. It inspires people on their journey toward realizing the organization's vision. Sanders encourages everyone to commit the words of their mission statement to memory and bring them to life in daily decisions. At United Supermarkets, their mission statement consists of just six words: Ultimate Service. Superior Performance. Positive Impact.
I was surprised (and pleased) to read that Sanders believes "the single biggest threat to an organization's success is pride." In my experience, pride has been a destructive element in many of the corporations I've worked with over the years (and has gotten in the way personally in small businesses I’ve started).
The kind of pride the author speaks of is “a high or overbearing opinion of one's worth or importance." To minimize its destructive affects, he suggests a three-step process that keeps people focused on the future, not the past; on the pursuit of excellence; and on the right kind of role models. By fostering humility and asking the right questions, leaders can put destructive pride in its place and maximize positive pride -- "the feeling of elation and satisfaction derived from achievement."
Sanders concludes each chapter with a summary of key points aptly titled "From the Express Lane" (great for speed readers and PowerPoint enthusiasts!). In the final chapter, he provides a "Carryout for Leaders" – a 10-point list which includes such guidance as "Surrender your ego", "No job is unimportant", and "Do not compromise integrity."
In the Afterword, Ken Blanchard, co-author of Leading at a Higher Level and The One Minute Manager, encourages readers to learn from Dan Sanders leadership and take action in their organizations. He calls on leaders to focus on three simple questions to guide their organizations to long-term success:
1. What have we done for our customers?
2. What have we done for our people?
3. What have we done for our community?
By putting the lessons of Built to Serve into practice, business leaders can create a profound shift in the vitality and performance of their organizations. I highly recommend the book to people at all levels in any size organization -- for inspiration, for guidance in leading, and for instilling life-enhancing principles in workplaces throughout our community and the world.
NOTE: Dan Sanders, Steven Covey, and others have started The Center for Corporate Culture to help leaders put the principles of "Built to Serve" into practice.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Wisdom for 2008: Living in Service
In my reading over the holidays, I came across these powerful words of wisdom from Greek classics scholar Gilbert Murray:
"Live in the service of something higher and more enduring, so that when the tragic transience of life at last breaks upon you, you can feel that the thing for which you have lived does not die."
Quoted in Living Your Unlived Life by Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl, Ph.D.
"Live in the service of something higher and more enduring, so that when the tragic transience of life at last breaks upon you, you can feel that the thing for which you have lived does not die."
Quoted in Living Your Unlived Life by Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl, Ph.D.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Helen Luke on "Wisdom"
At the age of ninety, Helen Luke said:
"Wisdom consists in doing the next thing you have to do. Doing it with your whole heart and finding delight in doing it. And the delight is the sense of the sacred."
Although I haven't seen it yet, a 75-minute video called "A Sense of the Sacred: A Portrait of Helen M. Luke" is available from Parabola. Years ago, when I was working as a counselor, I read her book, "The Way of Woman: Awakening the Perennial Feminine." She gave me an understanding of a woman's journey to the "deep feminine" to claim her own power and communicate her message to the world.
I recall reading that Helen asked people who came to her seeking guidance about the deeper significance of their life:
"What kind of story is yours going to be?"
Great question! The kind of question to ask yourself when creating an ethical or spiritual will.
Thank you, Helen, for all the wisdom you shared while you were in this world (and continue to share in the video and in your books).
NOTE: If you prefer to read about Helen Luke instead of watching a video, you may want to read "Such Stuff as Dreams are Made On: The Autobiography and Journals of Helen M. Luke".
"Wisdom consists in doing the next thing you have to do. Doing it with your whole heart and finding delight in doing it. And the delight is the sense of the sacred."
Although I haven't seen it yet, a 75-minute video called "A Sense of the Sacred: A Portrait of Helen M. Luke" is available from Parabola. Years ago, when I was working as a counselor, I read her book, "The Way of Woman: Awakening the Perennial Feminine." She gave me an understanding of a woman's journey to the "deep feminine" to claim her own power and communicate her message to the world.
I recall reading that Helen asked people who came to her seeking guidance about the deeper significance of their life:
"What kind of story is yours going to be?"
Great question! The kind of question to ask yourself when creating an ethical or spiritual will.
Thank you, Helen, for all the wisdom you shared while you were in this world (and continue to share in the video and in your books).
NOTE: If you prefer to read about Helen Luke instead of watching a video, you may want to read "Such Stuff as Dreams are Made On: The Autobiography and Journals of Helen M. Luke".
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
More "Pickles" Wisdom: On Fear (Or Not) of Dying
The Pickles cartoon recently offered another great piece of end-of-life wisdom ....
Pickles
Another non-medical reason to complete an ethical will that "harvests" the wisdom of the life you have lived!
Pickles
Another non-medical reason to complete an ethical will that "harvests" the wisdom of the life you have lived!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Life Lessons: Pathways to Contentment
The older I get, the less concerned I am about "being happy." Now in my mid-60's, being content with my daily life is more important.What does contentment feel like? What produces contentment in one's life?
Certainly being satisfied with the life I have is a place to start. To just be. To honor "what is" in my life. Not to be thinking I will be content "just as soon as" something (anything?) I desire is achieved, earned, or received.
In their book, "Contentment: A Way to True Happiness", Robert A. Johnson and Jerry M. Ruhl write:
"As modern people, we like to believe that contentment comes from getting what we want. It does not. Contentment grows out of our capacity to mediate our desires with "what is". A basic spiritual principle is learning to accept "what is" instead of insisting that life be a certain way. Life is rarely the way we want it to be, it's just the way it is. This doesn't mean that you should give up or become passive. The art of realizing contentment is an active and dynamic process. You might imagine it as a dance between your wishes and reality, what you want and what you get."
In my experience, contentment never results from my doing or having. Simplifying my life has helped. But there's more to contentment than just simplicity.
Johnson, a world-renowned Jungian analyst, and Ruhl, a psychotherapist, say that "contentment grows out of the circumstances of life as you find it, in the very place where you currently exist." Furthermore, "the more present and aware you are to what is, the greater the possibilities for contentment."
When I feel content, I have a sense of deep satisfaction, an inner calm, a timelessness. My mind is at peace. My ego is silenced. I feel an inner integrity with my life.
Johnson and Ruhl contend that we must first learn to differentiate between our inner and outer lives to realize contentment. That requires us to understand projection.
The co-author's define projection as "the error of attaching an aspect of your inner life onto someone or something on the outside. This way, you do not have to take responsibility for it. In projecting a disowned part of yourself, you endow other people and things with the power to make you blissful or miserable. Then you turn around and praise or blame the person or situation, while all the while you are reacting to an unconscious, inner part of yourself."
I know I'm projecting when my response to a person or situation is out of proportion to reality, highly energized with emotion (my voice changes), or compulsive in nature. People who know me best usually sense my projections of my inner world before I do (because I'm busy projecting my blame or praise onto them!).
But I've gotten better "with age" at recognizing my projections since Gay Hendricks, co-author of "Conscious Loving" and other books, suggested to me in a training to just "assume your life is all projections!" A radical approach? Maybe. I know it has helped me "reel in" my projections sooner and take responsibility for my actions as well as to notice more quickly when others are projecting their life "stuff" onto me.
So it takes a shift in one's level of consciousness to experience contentment at its fullest. Can I say "yes" to all of the content of my life -- the painful, the ordinary, the joyous? What about when discontent arrives (unannounced!) on the doorstep of my day or my bedstead at night? Yes, I need to honor discontent as well. Attempts to control "what is" in my life simply don't work. In Johnson and Ruhl's words: "When you start trying to repair or manipulate 'what is', then you only upset the natural order of the universe."
The co-authors of "Contentment" go on to say that "you cannot acquire contentment like some consumer item but you can awaken to its gifts. It is closer to the truth to say that contentment comes to us by divine grace."
Most often, that's how it feels as contentment comes to me in the form of divinely inspired gifts. All I have to do is be present and aware -- to notice, to accept, and honor the gifts that "what is" brings me each day of my life.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Life Lessons: "I'm Still Me" - Chuck Jackson's Story
Some of you know Chuck Jackson who I wrote about on my blog awhile back. Yesterday morning on NPR I heard his voice on their StoryCorps segment, telling his story about Alzheimer's in his family and his own experience with the disease.
Here's a link to read and listen to his story: Living With Alzheimers: "I'm Still Me".
I applaud the work Chuck is doing to raise awareness about Alzheimer's and admire him for his courage to speak about his own memory loss experiences.
Here's a link to read and listen to his story: Living With Alzheimers: "I'm Still Me".
I applaud the work Chuck is doing to raise awareness about Alzheimer's and admire him for his courage to speak about his own memory loss experiences.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
One Simple Question Can Change Your Life
When my partner and I were doing counseling together with couples, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks were our mentors. Their book, Conscious Loving, and a workshop we did with them made a lasting difference in our relationship and guided our work with couples.
Recently, Gay wrote a new book he calls Five Wishes. An article based on the book was published in New Connexion (Nov/Dec 2007). Gay tells a story about a life-changing conversation he had in his 30s that centered on one simple question. Here's a link to the article:
Five Wishes: A Gift That Changed My Life
I encourage you to read it. It may just be the gift that will change your life!
Recently, Gay wrote a new book he calls Five Wishes. An article based on the book was published in New Connexion (Nov/Dec 2007). Gay tells a story about a life-changing conversation he had in his 30s that centered on one simple question. Here's a link to the article:
Five Wishes: A Gift That Changed My Life
I encourage you to read it. It may just be the gift that will change your life!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
More on the Professor's "Last Lecture"
For people who read my post about the "last lecture" of Professor Randy Pausch, a follow-up article about reactions to it was published in Jeff Zaslow's column in The Wall Street Journal:
Moving On
If you'd like to see the complete lecture, here's a link to a video:
Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams
Professor Pausch was also featured on a recent Oprah show dealing with "Confronting Death". I enjoyed his interview with Dr. Mahmet Oz and appreciated Oprah's willingness to do a show on death and dying.
All well-worth reading and viewing to remind us to live every day fully in the spirit of love and caring.
Moving On
If you'd like to see the complete lecture, here's a link to a video:
Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams
Professor Pausch was also featured on a recent Oprah show dealing with "Confronting Death". I enjoyed his interview with Dr. Mahmet Oz and appreciated Oprah's willingness to do a show on death and dying.
All well-worth reading and viewing to remind us to live every day fully in the spirit of love and caring.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Leadership Legacies: "The Starbucks Experience"
Along with personal life legacies, I enjoy learning about the leadership legacies of individuals in organizations as well as the legacies of organizations themselves. My interest in organizational legacies (and love of great coffee) lead me to the book, "The Starbucks Experience" by Joseph A. Michelli.
While I most often go to my locally-owned coffee shops (Barry's Deli is my favorite), whenever I'm traveling, I'm glad there's usually a Starbucks nearby to provide my morning cup of coffee. I've always had good experiences at the Starbucks I've visited and appreciated reading about their "secrets of success" in Michelli's book.
Starbucks "5 Principles for Turning Ordinary into Extraordinary" include:
1. Make It Your Own
2. Everything Matters
3. Surprise and Delight
4. Embrace Resistance
5. Leave Your Mark
These principles can be applied in most any organization or business in my view. "Make It Your Own" brings the talents and unique personality of every employee to life in the workplace. I'm sure that if all the businesses I've worked for over the years would have diligently practiced "Everything Matters", the business world would be very different today (and the Enron meltdown wouldn't have happened).
"Surprise and Delight" inspires creativity and real caring about individual customers and fellow employees. No doubt, the political arena (and occupants of the White House) would be transformed by practicing "Embrace Resistance." And "Leave Your Mark" is all about the legacy every organization and individual leaves for future generations of people living on planet Earth.
Leaders at Starbucks have also provided a structure for employees ("partners") which they call the "Five Ways of Being":
Michelli's book is an enjoyable read even if you have little interest in business management or organizational legacies. It is filled with heart-warming stories about ways Starbucks partners have surprised and delighted customers (and each other). I was especially touched by the story of a store partner who shared her $87 million lottery winnings equally with everyone on her team (they had contributed $1 each to the ticket she bought).
If you only read one business book this year (or ever), I highly recommend "The Starbucks Experience". Take it along to read at your favorite coffee shop. And you may want to give the "Five Ways of Being" a try at your workplace ... or wherever you are in your life.
While I most often go to my locally-owned coffee shops (Barry's Deli is my favorite), whenever I'm traveling, I'm glad there's usually a Starbucks nearby to provide my morning cup of coffee. I've always had good experiences at the Starbucks I've visited and appreciated reading about their "secrets of success" in Michelli's book.
Starbucks "5 Principles for Turning Ordinary into Extraordinary" include:
1. Make It Your Own
2. Everything Matters
3. Surprise and Delight
4. Embrace Resistance
5. Leave Your Mark
These principles can be applied in most any organization or business in my view. "Make It Your Own" brings the talents and unique personality of every employee to life in the workplace. I'm sure that if all the businesses I've worked for over the years would have diligently practiced "Everything Matters", the business world would be very different today (and the Enron meltdown wouldn't have happened).
"Surprise and Delight" inspires creativity and real caring about individual customers and fellow employees. No doubt, the political arena (and occupants of the White House) would be transformed by practicing "Embrace Resistance." And "Leave Your Mark" is all about the legacy every organization and individual leaves for future generations of people living on planet Earth.
Leaders at Starbucks have also provided a structure for employees ("partners") which they call the "Five Ways of Being":
- Be welcoming
- Be genuine
- Be considerate
- Be knowledgeable
- Be involved
Michelli's book is an enjoyable read even if you have little interest in business management or organizational legacies. It is filled with heart-warming stories about ways Starbucks partners have surprised and delighted customers (and each other). I was especially touched by the story of a store partner who shared her $87 million lottery winnings equally with everyone on her team (they had contributed $1 each to the ticket she bought).
If you only read one business book this year (or ever), I highly recommend "The Starbucks Experience". Take it along to read at your favorite coffee shop. And you may want to give the "Five Ways of Being" a try at your workplace ... or wherever you are in your life.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
A Professor's Ethical Will: His "Last Lecture"
In last Thursday's Wall Street Journal (Sept. 20, 2007), Jeffrey Zaslow wrote an interesting (and touching) story he titled, "A Beloved Professor Delivers The Lecture of a Lifetime." It was about a 46-year old professor's "last lecture" to 400 colleagues and students (he has pancreatic cancer and is expected to live a few months).
Zaslow notes that a number of colleges have started "Last Lecture Series" in which top professors are "asked to think deeply about what matters to them and to give hypothetical final talks." He says the question for audiences to consider is:
"What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance?"
Sounds like one of the essential questions we address in crafting an ethical will. I find it encouraging that such questions are being asked on college campuses and that professors are sharing their personal life legacies with their students. Perhaps, it will inspire young people (and older adults) to begin considering their life legacies at an earlier age. It may bring about important changes in their lives as well as have an impact on future generations of people who inhabit this beautiful world.
Professor Pausch used images on a large screen as he talked about his life which Zaslow described as a "rollicking and riveting journey through the lessons of his life". Here's a link to the story which contains a video essay by the Jeff Zaslow about Professor Randy Pausch's last lecture:
http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB119024238402033039.html
The article is well-worth the 5-minutes (or less) it will take you to read it.
Zaslow notes that a number of colleges have started "Last Lecture Series" in which top professors are "asked to think deeply about what matters to them and to give hypothetical final talks." He says the question for audiences to consider is:
"What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance?"
Sounds like one of the essential questions we address in crafting an ethical will. I find it encouraging that such questions are being asked on college campuses and that professors are sharing their personal life legacies with their students. Perhaps, it will inspire young people (and older adults) to begin considering their life legacies at an earlier age. It may bring about important changes in their lives as well as have an impact on future generations of people who inhabit this beautiful world.
Professor Pausch used images on a large screen as he talked about his life which Zaslow described as a "rollicking and riveting journey through the lessons of his life". Here's a link to the story which contains a video essay by the Jeff Zaslow about Professor Randy Pausch's last lecture:
http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB119024238402033039.html
The article is well-worth the 5-minutes (or less) it will take you to read it.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Life Lessons: Who will care for you?
Most people don't think about who will care for them if their health is compromised by illness, accident, or a degenerative disease. I certainly didn't -- not until my heart gave me a "wake-up call" nearly ten years ago. Since then, I've learned more about healthcare and how people are cared for in America than I ever really wanted to know.
Reading Gail Sheehy's story "Why We Must Help Caregivers" in Parade magazine this month reminded me of an op-ed I wrote nearly three years ago on the subject. From what Sheehy had to say about how little has changed since then to support family caregivers, I thought my "old" words bear repeating today.
"Every day in our community, family members are providing many hours of essential care to loved ones who are chronically ill, disabled, or elderly. All too often, they are doing this difficult, emotionally and physically draining work alone.
Even when these family caregivers – most of whom are women who also work outside the home – get some help from their children, friends, or neighbors, the care demands can be relentless. Day after day, their loved ones need dressing, toileting, feeding, medication assistance, doctor visits, and much more when Alzheimer’s and other dementias are involved.
Most people don’t know -- and our politicians in Washington D.C. rarely acknowledge -- that family caregivers provide nearly 87% of all homecare services in the U.S. That amounts to over $350 billion worth of “free” caregiving services each year – more than was spent on all of Medicare in 2002 – according to the National Alliance for Caregiving.
Today, over 44.5 million adults in America are doing caregiving for a family member, 27 million of whom provide at least 20 hours of care each week according to an AARP study.
Over 66% of the care needs of the elderly are provided solely by family members.
By the year 2030, the U.S. Census Bureau projects that 20% of our population will be over 65 years of age, resulting in a total elderly population of more than 70 million people – representing a 102% increase from the year 2003.
Considering that the fastest growing segment of our population is people over 85 years of age – one-half of whom require help with personal care – even more of the responsibilities for caregiving in the future will fall to family members.
What this means for all Americans is that caregiving concerns have moved from being a private family situation to a societal issue. There is a strong connection between the difficulties families are having with meeting caregiving needs of their loved ones and the fact that our healthcare system was never set up to help people live at home with chronic health conditions.
It has been said that there are four kinds of people in the world – those who have been caregivers, those who currently are caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers. None of us will be excluded.
So what does this mean for residents of Lane County? Most importantly, to realize that there is a large and growing need for community support of the many family caregivers in our midst. Family caregiving is an issue for all of us!
If you haven’t already done so, it is time to begin conversations with friends and colleagues about eldercare experiences in their families. You may be surprised at how many people have been touched by caring for family members and how deeply caring for loved ones affects their daily lives.
It is time to educate yourself about issues involved in caregiving for the elderly and the health risks it places on family caregivers. A great place to start is the website: www.familycaregiving101.org.
You can begin learning about the financial impact eldercare may have on your own family in the future and explore long-term care insurance options available. Medicare does not currently pay for in-home care (and is unlikely to do so in the future) so families shoulder the full financial burden of costs for caring for elders living at home.
You can start familiarizing yourself with local resources for eldercare and senior services. Take a look at Lane County’s many resources at: www.laneseniorservices.org as well as www.seriousillness.org/lane. Call the care providers and get information to help with your planning for family caregiving.
Not to be forgotten, it is time to reach out to family caregivers who live next door or across the street – either by yourself or with your family, friends, or members of your church.
Typically, family caregivers have difficulty asking for help. You can make it easier for them to both ask for and accept help by offering to do something very specific and non-threatening. Offer a ride to church, to bring a dinner once a week, rake the lawn, shop for groceries, or provide some respite time for the caregiver to take a break for themselves. Make a commitment the family caregiver can count on. Set a time and show up to share the care.
Just a little bit of help can make a big difference to someone in your neighborhood. Don’t wait for the holiday season. Give a caregiving family a gift of recognition and thanks for the heroic work they’re doing each day for their loved ones."
LOCAL NOTE: Partners to Improve End-of-Life Care will soon publish a brochure "If Someone You Love Is Seriously Ill ..." with information and resources for family caregivers. It will be distributed to medical offices and other healthcare locations throughout Lane County. Ask for a copy at your doctor's office or request the brochure via e-mail at: www.seriousillness.org/lane.
Reading Gail Sheehy's story "Why We Must Help Caregivers" in Parade magazine this month reminded me of an op-ed I wrote nearly three years ago on the subject. From what Sheehy had to say about how little has changed since then to support family caregivers, I thought my "old" words bear repeating today.
"Every day in our community, family members are providing many hours of essential care to loved ones who are chronically ill, disabled, or elderly. All too often, they are doing this difficult, emotionally and physically draining work alone.
Even when these family caregivers – most of whom are women who also work outside the home – get some help from their children, friends, or neighbors, the care demands can be relentless. Day after day, their loved ones need dressing, toileting, feeding, medication assistance, doctor visits, and much more when Alzheimer’s and other dementias are involved.
Most people don’t know -- and our politicians in Washington D.C. rarely acknowledge -- that family caregivers provide nearly 87% of all homecare services in the U.S. That amounts to over $350 billion worth of “free” caregiving services each year – more than was spent on all of Medicare in 2002 – according to the National Alliance for Caregiving.
Today, over 44.5 million adults in America are doing caregiving for a family member, 27 million of whom provide at least 20 hours of care each week according to an AARP study.
Over 66% of the care needs of the elderly are provided solely by family members.
By the year 2030, the U.S. Census Bureau projects that 20% of our population will be over 65 years of age, resulting in a total elderly population of more than 70 million people – representing a 102% increase from the year 2003.
Considering that the fastest growing segment of our population is people over 85 years of age – one-half of whom require help with personal care – even more of the responsibilities for caregiving in the future will fall to family members.
What this means for all Americans is that caregiving concerns have moved from being a private family situation to a societal issue. There is a strong connection between the difficulties families are having with meeting caregiving needs of their loved ones and the fact that our healthcare system was never set up to help people live at home with chronic health conditions.
It has been said that there are four kinds of people in the world – those who have been caregivers, those who currently are caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers. None of us will be excluded.
So what does this mean for residents of Lane County? Most importantly, to realize that there is a large and growing need for community support of the many family caregivers in our midst. Family caregiving is an issue for all of us!
If you haven’t already done so, it is time to begin conversations with friends and colleagues about eldercare experiences in their families. You may be surprised at how many people have been touched by caring for family members and how deeply caring for loved ones affects their daily lives.
It is time to educate yourself about issues involved in caregiving for the elderly and the health risks it places on family caregivers. A great place to start is the website: www.familycaregiving101.org.
You can begin learning about the financial impact eldercare may have on your own family in the future and explore long-term care insurance options available. Medicare does not currently pay for in-home care (and is unlikely to do so in the future) so families shoulder the full financial burden of costs for caring for elders living at home.
You can start familiarizing yourself with local resources for eldercare and senior services. Take a look at Lane County’s many resources at: www.laneseniorservices.org as well as www.seriousillness.org/lane. Call the care providers and get information to help with your planning for family caregiving.
Not to be forgotten, it is time to reach out to family caregivers who live next door or across the street – either by yourself or with your family, friends, or members of your church.
Typically, family caregivers have difficulty asking for help. You can make it easier for them to both ask for and accept help by offering to do something very specific and non-threatening. Offer a ride to church, to bring a dinner once a week, rake the lawn, shop for groceries, or provide some respite time for the caregiver to take a break for themselves. Make a commitment the family caregiver can count on. Set a time and show up to share the care.
Just a little bit of help can make a big difference to someone in your neighborhood. Don’t wait for the holiday season. Give a caregiving family a gift of recognition and thanks for the heroic work they’re doing each day for their loved ones."
LOCAL NOTE: Partners to Improve End-of-Life Care will soon publish a brochure "If Someone You Love Is Seriously Ill ..." with information and resources for family caregivers. It will be distributed to medical offices and other healthcare locations throughout Lane County. Ask for a copy at your doctor's office or request the brochure via e-mail at: www.seriousillness.org/lane.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Face-to-Face: A Man Speaks About His Alzheimers
A few weeks ago, I wrote about Alzheimers patient activism in response to an article I had read in USA Today. Last week, I met one of the the men quoted in the article, Chuck Jackson. He spoke at our local Senior Professional Information Network about his experience with Early Onset Alzheimers.
Chuck was diagnosed with the disease three years ago at the age of 50. He has what he called the "familial" form of Alzheimers in which his family members have a gene associated with early onset of the disease. Chuck's mother told him about the "family disease" in 1967 (10 of 12 relatives have died from it by age 50!).
In his talk, Chuck shared his story about getting the diagnosis, his physical symptoms, his struggles in finding a support group, and his new role as a spokesman at the Alzheimers Association "Town Hall" meetings around the country. He is on the association's Advisory Board on Early Onset Alzheimers.
Chuck described the anger he experiences every time he loses some function of daily living. But he noted that he has learned to go through the grief cycle as quickly as he can to avoid becoming bitter about his losses. Too many people with little or no support get stuck in anger and bitterness when they get their diagnosis.
Chuck made a decision to tell his story to everyone who will listen in order to increase awareness and gain more research dollars to find a cure. As he said with great clarity: "I'm not going quietly to my grave like my mother did!" He wants people to know that Azheimers is not a disease of old age (an estimated 500,000 people have early onset with a projection to triple that number in years ahead).
In concluding his talk, Chuck took off his shirt to reveal a purple t-shirt with one word in bold letters across his chest. The word was: VOICE. On the back were the words "Alzheimers Association www.alz.org."
Chuck Jackson is strong, positive voice for educating people about Alzheimers. He encourages us to tell others about it, talk with our political representatives, and to contribute money for research. His concluding words stay with me today as I write: "Don't let them forget us!"
(When I spoke with Chuck after his talk, he gave me a flyer about DASNI (Dementia Advocacy & Support Network International), a non-profit group he's found very helpful. He participates in their twice-daily internet chats in a chat room that helps ease the isolation of dementia and educates participants about living with their disease.) Chuck encouraged me to "spread the word" on my blog about DASNI. Please share this information with people you know. Thanks!
NOTE:
A few days before hearing Chuck Jackson speak, I had planned to write about an excellent article about Alzheimers in our local newspaper. Titled "Many faces of Alzheimer's", Karen McCowan wrote about Lauren Kessler's experience working in an Alzheimers facility -- the story Kessler shares in her recent book, "Dancing with Rose". While I haven't read the book yet, the newspaper article offers an extraordinary look at Alzheimers care and the impact of the disease on individuals and their family members.
Chuck was diagnosed with the disease three years ago at the age of 50. He has what he called the "familial" form of Alzheimers in which his family members have a gene associated with early onset of the disease. Chuck's mother told him about the "family disease" in 1967 (10 of 12 relatives have died from it by age 50!).
In his talk, Chuck shared his story about getting the diagnosis, his physical symptoms, his struggles in finding a support group, and his new role as a spokesman at the Alzheimers Association "Town Hall" meetings around the country. He is on the association's Advisory Board on Early Onset Alzheimers.
Chuck described the anger he experiences every time he loses some function of daily living. But he noted that he has learned to go through the grief cycle as quickly as he can to avoid becoming bitter about his losses. Too many people with little or no support get stuck in anger and bitterness when they get their diagnosis.
Chuck made a decision to tell his story to everyone who will listen in order to increase awareness and gain more research dollars to find a cure. As he said with great clarity: "I'm not going quietly to my grave like my mother did!" He wants people to know that Azheimers is not a disease of old age (an estimated 500,000 people have early onset with a projection to triple that number in years ahead).
In concluding his talk, Chuck took off his shirt to reveal a purple t-shirt with one word in bold letters across his chest. The word was: VOICE. On the back were the words "Alzheimers Association www.alz.org."
Chuck Jackson is strong, positive voice for educating people about Alzheimers. He encourages us to tell others about it, talk with our political representatives, and to contribute money for research. His concluding words stay with me today as I write: "Don't let them forget us!"
(When I spoke with Chuck after his talk, he gave me a flyer about DASNI (Dementia Advocacy & Support Network International), a non-profit group he's found very helpful. He participates in their twice-daily internet chats in a chat room that helps ease the isolation of dementia and educates participants about living with their disease.) Chuck encouraged me to "spread the word" on my blog about DASNI. Please share this information with people you know. Thanks!
NOTE:
A few days before hearing Chuck Jackson speak, I had planned to write about an excellent article about Alzheimers in our local newspaper. Titled "Many faces of Alzheimer's", Karen McCowan wrote about Lauren Kessler's experience working in an Alzheimers facility -- the story Kessler shares in her recent book, "Dancing with Rose". While I haven't read the book yet, the newspaper article offers an extraordinary look at Alzheimers care and the impact of the disease on individuals and their family members.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Life Lessons: Your Life's Purpose
For far too many years of my life, I struggled with the question "what is my purpose?", especially in regard to my worklife. I suppose my idealistic Aquarian nature led me to thinking it was important to make a difference with one's life (or maybe it was my Norwegian Lutheran upbringing, tempered by my Gramma Hannah's scolding about "not getting too big for my britches"!)
Whatever it was, I've gotten clearer about "purpose" since passing mid-life and dealing with the prospect of death getting closer (than birth). I like what Wayne Dyer has to say about purpose in his book, The Power of Intention. He says "your purpose is not as much about what you do as it is about how you feel." My own experience affirms Dyer's view:
"You'll feel most on purpose when you're giving your life away by serving others. When you're giving to others, to your planet, and to your Source, you're being purposeful. Whatever it is you choose to do, if you're motivated to be of service to others while being authentically detached from the outcome, you'll feel on purpose, regardless of how much abundance flows back to you."
Dyer goes on to suggest that you "allow yourself to be in the feeling place within you that's unconcerned with such things as vocational choices or doing the things you are destined to do. When you're in the service of others, or extend kindness beyond your own boundaries, you'll feel connected to your Source. You'll feel happy and content, knowing that your doing the right thing."
After all the "seeking" over the years, the words that best describe my life purpose today are:
"I am here to experience the beauty and wonder of life. My tasks are to love, to learn, to serve, and to pass on what I have learned in my life to future generations."
That's enough for me to feel happy and content. Whenever a mood arises (seemingly out of nowhere) or something happening "out there" disturbs my peace of mind, I remind myself of my purpose. All it takes is listening to my heart and returning my thoughts to living on purpose (while, of course, "not getting too big for my britches"!).
What are your thoughts about living your life "on purpose"?
Whatever it was, I've gotten clearer about "purpose" since passing mid-life and dealing with the prospect of death getting closer (than birth). I like what Wayne Dyer has to say about purpose in his book, The Power of Intention. He says "your purpose is not as much about what you do as it is about how you feel." My own experience affirms Dyer's view:
"You'll feel most on purpose when you're giving your life away by serving others. When you're giving to others, to your planet, and to your Source, you're being purposeful. Whatever it is you choose to do, if you're motivated to be of service to others while being authentically detached from the outcome, you'll feel on purpose, regardless of how much abundance flows back to you."
Dyer goes on to suggest that you "allow yourself to be in the feeling place within you that's unconcerned with such things as vocational choices or doing the things you are destined to do. When you're in the service of others, or extend kindness beyond your own boundaries, you'll feel connected to your Source. You'll feel happy and content, knowing that your doing the right thing."
After all the "seeking" over the years, the words that best describe my life purpose today are:
"I am here to experience the beauty and wonder of life. My tasks are to love, to learn, to serve, and to pass on what I have learned in my life to future generations."
That's enough for me to feel happy and content. Whenever a mood arises (seemingly out of nowhere) or something happening "out there" disturbs my peace of mind, I remind myself of my purpose. All it takes is listening to my heart and returning my thoughts to living on purpose (while, of course, "not getting too big for my britches"!).
What are your thoughts about living your life "on purpose"?
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Writing a "Dying Letter": Elizabeth Edwards Story
A touching story about Elizabeth Edwards in last Saturday's Wall Street Journal (July 21, 2007) told about her writing a "dying letter" to her three children between campaign stops in behalf of her husband John's presidential bid. She calls it a "guide to life" which she started writing prior to her cancer diagnosis.
I would call it her ethical will. In the story, Elizabeth talks about what she has written to advise to her children on church: "We raised you in the Methodist church to give you a foundation, but ultimately you need to re-examine what choice of church is right for you." She also shares that she is teaching her children an important "life lesson: when something bad happens, you don't give in."
I invite you to read the whole story about a courageous woman who continues to live her life to the fullest with incurable cancer -- doing what she thinks is right and making difficult choices -- and preparing for the end of her life by writing what she hopes and dreams for her family.
Here's a link to the article written by Monica Langley:
The Nights and Days Of Elizabeth Edwards - WSJ.com
I would call it her ethical will. In the story, Elizabeth talks about what she has written to advise to her children on church: "We raised you in the Methodist church to give you a foundation, but ultimately you need to re-examine what choice of church is right for you." She also shares that she is teaching her children an important "life lesson: when something bad happens, you don't give in."
I invite you to read the whole story about a courageous woman who continues to live her life to the fullest with incurable cancer -- doing what she thinks is right and making difficult choices -- and preparing for the end of her life by writing what she hopes and dreams for her family.
Here's a link to the article written by Monica Langley:
The Nights and Days Of Elizabeth Edwards - WSJ.com
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Life Lessons: The Power Of Empathy
At all stages of my life I've faced challenges in understanding others, especially my loved ones and others who are part of my everyday life experience. When I worked as a counselor with men and couples, I heard hundreds of stories about how difficult it is for people to connect in meaningful and fulfilling ways.
Much later in my life than I like to admit, I recognized that I've had a "deficiency" I now call E.D.D. (empathy deficit disorder). Not to be confused with A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder), E.D.D. seems to be a widespread malady that I'm sure afflicts more just than men born in the 1940's or earlier. I'd guess that most people living today have the "disorder" or remnants of it, unless their feelings have always been listened to by loved ones and their needs always cared for during their lifetime.
I was surprised to read that even a presidential candidate, Senator Barack Obama, has recognized the widespread "empathy deficit" in our culture. In a commencement speech in June, he said to the students:
"There's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us - the child who's hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.
As I've done since I reached midlife, when I've wanted to learn something that "sticks", I create a class to teach whatever I've been struggling with in my life. Although about 40 years late, I recently taught an introductory class at OASIS which I call "Understanding With Heart: The Power of Empathy".
Much to my surprise and delight, 20 of the 23 people who signed up showed up on a Tuesday morning at 10:30 a.m. In the audience were 17 women and 3 men -- most of whom were in their 60's and 70's by my age guesstimate. As is usually the case at classes I've done at OASIS, the people were active participants with lots of questions and stories from their own struggles with attempting to be empathic with others.
I started the class by letting people know that I would be sharing my own experiences with empathy in my relationships as well as what I've learned from my loved ones and others, especially from Marshall Rosenberg -- author of Non-Violent Communication -- and Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham, who wrote The Power of Empathy.
To begin the discussion of empathy, I define empathy as "respectfully understanding what others are experiencing". It is a way of knowing -- knowing what something would be like for the other person. Immediately the question arose regarding how empathy differs from "sympathy".
Empathy is not the same as "sympathy" which is sharing the other person's suffering emotionally. Sympathy is a way of relating -- knowing what something would be like to be the other person. Sympathy is "feeling with" whereas empathy is "feeling into" to understand another person's suffering.
Confusing? Yes, it can be. The best guide I know of is to pause, breath deeply, and focus inward to my heart and "listen" to see how I'm feeling emotionally. Intense emotion = sympathy. A sense of understanding (without intense emotion) = empathy. That seems to work best for me but only when I slow down and really listen to the other person (and my inner self!).
Moving on in the class, I invite people to do an "exercise" involving bringing to mind a time when they had difficulty responding empathically to someone who they care deeply about. The participants spend a few minutes writing down answers to five questions. I then I ask them to pair-up and share what they have written. It's a lively experience -- with lots of "buzz" in the room -- and most often, it's a challenge to bring the discussion to close.
The teaching from the experiential exercise focuses on Marshall Rosenberg's model for hearing with empathy. In a nutshell, here's what he proposes we say (which works when I remember to do it!):
When you . . . (describe what you are observing -- seeing and/or hearing) . . .
Are you feeling . . . (describe your "best guess" of what the person may be feeling)?
Because you need . . . (describe your "best guess" of what the person desires or expects) . . .
Would you like me to . . . (clearly describe "possible" actions the person may want)?
Simple? Not when your gut reaction to the person's anger, complaints, or judgments is to get defensive! Slowing down and breathing is essential. It can take time to accurately understand another person's feelings and thoughts. Avoiding snap judgments is a must! Paying attention to your body is crucial as you let the person's story unfold. It takes lots of practice ... and I'm still practicing ... and learning.
Next in the class, we look a empathic listening -- the skills involved and the biggest obstacles. I love what Holley Humphrey says about listening:
"The biggest listening secret is that when people seem to be complaining, they are really poorly expressing their own feelings and needs."
I wish I would always remember that whenever I hear a "complaint" from someone I love!
Humphrey notes that when we agree to be a listener (silently or verbally), it's important not to "grab the spotlight" away from the person we're listening to. She offers "10 Obstacles to Empathic Listening" -- my favorite of which (and the one I've done most often in my life) is to attempt to "fix-it" by giving advice, followed closely by trying to "explain it away". Neither have ever worked ... and never will!
The last portion of the class is devoted to the "dark side" of empathy. Yes, there is a dark expression of empathy. You see it in the everyday manipulators, the hardcore blamers, and -- worst case (and very skillfully) -- in sexual predators.
I share Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham's "Ten Steps to Protect You Against the Dark Side of Empathy" and share their reminder to:
"Aways keep in mind the fact that empathy is a biological drive that evolved to protect us from danger. Using empathy to deceive or harm others is a perversion of its life-sustaining energy and reflects a weakness rather than a strength. In the end the positive, protective aspects of empathy will always overshadow the dark side."
That's a lot of material to cover in a very short hour and a half class. Hopefully, people take away exactly what they needed to make a positive difference in their lives. And to make their life even more wonderful than when they walked in the door that morning to attend the class!
Empathy offers a powerful path to understanding each other at a deep level. Ultimately, it shows us how to live fully and wholeheartedly with others.
I invite your comments and experience with the power empathy in your life.
Much later in my life than I like to admit, I recognized that I've had a "deficiency" I now call E.D.D. (empathy deficit disorder). Not to be confused with A.D.D. (attention deficit disorder), E.D.D. seems to be a widespread malady that I'm sure afflicts more just than men born in the 1940's or earlier. I'd guess that most people living today have the "disorder" or remnants of it, unless their feelings have always been listened to by loved ones and their needs always cared for during their lifetime.
I was surprised to read that even a presidential candidate, Senator Barack Obama, has recognized the widespread "empathy deficit" in our culture. In a commencement speech in June, he said to the students:
"There's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit - the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us - the child who's hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.
As you go on in life, cultivating this quality of empathy will become harder, not easier. There's no community service requirement in the real world; no one forcing you to care. You'll be free to live in neighborhoods with people who are exactly like yourself, and send your kids to the same schools, and narrow your concerns to what's going in your own little circle.
Not only that - we live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained. A culture where those in power too often encourage these selfish impulses."As I've done since I reached midlife, when I've wanted to learn something that "sticks", I create a class to teach whatever I've been struggling with in my life. Although about 40 years late, I recently taught an introductory class at OASIS which I call "Understanding With Heart: The Power of Empathy".
Much to my surprise and delight, 20 of the 23 people who signed up showed up on a Tuesday morning at 10:30 a.m. In the audience were 17 women and 3 men -- most of whom were in their 60's and 70's by my age guesstimate. As is usually the case at classes I've done at OASIS, the people were active participants with lots of questions and stories from their own struggles with attempting to be empathic with others.
I started the class by letting people know that I would be sharing my own experiences with empathy in my relationships as well as what I've learned from my loved ones and others, especially from Marshall Rosenberg -- author of Non-Violent Communication -- and Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham, who wrote The Power of Empathy.
To begin the discussion of empathy, I define empathy as "respectfully understanding what others are experiencing". It is a way of knowing -- knowing what something would be like for the other person. Immediately the question arose regarding how empathy differs from "sympathy".
Empathy is not the same as "sympathy" which is sharing the other person's suffering emotionally. Sympathy is a way of relating -- knowing what something would be like to be the other person. Sympathy is "feeling with" whereas empathy is "feeling into" to understand another person's suffering.
Confusing? Yes, it can be. The best guide I know of is to pause, breath deeply, and focus inward to my heart and "listen" to see how I'm feeling emotionally. Intense emotion = sympathy. A sense of understanding (without intense emotion) = empathy. That seems to work best for me but only when I slow down and really listen to the other person (and my inner self!).
Moving on in the class, I invite people to do an "exercise" involving bringing to mind a time when they had difficulty responding empathically to someone who they care deeply about. The participants spend a few minutes writing down answers to five questions. I then I ask them to pair-up and share what they have written. It's a lively experience -- with lots of "buzz" in the room -- and most often, it's a challenge to bring the discussion to close.
The teaching from the experiential exercise focuses on Marshall Rosenberg's model for hearing with empathy. In a nutshell, here's what he proposes we say (which works when I remember to do it!):
When you . . . (describe what you are observing -- seeing and/or hearing) . . .
Are you feeling . . . (describe your "best guess" of what the person may be feeling)?
Because you need . . . (describe your "best guess" of what the person desires or expects) . . .
Would you like me to . . . (clearly describe "possible" actions the person may want)?
Simple? Not when your gut reaction to the person's anger, complaints, or judgments is to get defensive! Slowing down and breathing is essential. It can take time to accurately understand another person's feelings and thoughts. Avoiding snap judgments is a must! Paying attention to your body is crucial as you let the person's story unfold. It takes lots of practice ... and I'm still practicing ... and learning.
Next in the class, we look a empathic listening -- the skills involved and the biggest obstacles. I love what Holley Humphrey says about listening:
"The biggest listening secret is that when people seem to be complaining, they are really poorly expressing their own feelings and needs."
I wish I would always remember that whenever I hear a "complaint" from someone I love!
Humphrey notes that when we agree to be a listener (silently or verbally), it's important not to "grab the spotlight" away from the person we're listening to. She offers "10 Obstacles to Empathic Listening" -- my favorite of which (and the one I've done most often in my life) is to attempt to "fix-it" by giving advice, followed closely by trying to "explain it away". Neither have ever worked ... and never will!
The last portion of the class is devoted to the "dark side" of empathy. Yes, there is a dark expression of empathy. You see it in the everyday manipulators, the hardcore blamers, and -- worst case (and very skillfully) -- in sexual predators.
I share Arthur Ciaramicoli and Katherine Ketcham's "Ten Steps to Protect You Against the Dark Side of Empathy" and share their reminder to:
"Aways keep in mind the fact that empathy is a biological drive that evolved to protect us from danger. Using empathy to deceive or harm others is a perversion of its life-sustaining energy and reflects a weakness rather than a strength. In the end the positive, protective aspects of empathy will always overshadow the dark side."
That's a lot of material to cover in a very short hour and a half class. Hopefully, people take away exactly what they needed to make a positive difference in their lives. And to make their life even more wonderful than when they walked in the door that morning to attend the class!
Empathy offers a powerful path to understanding each other at a deep level. Ultimately, it shows us how to live fully and wholeheartedly with others.
I invite your comments and experience with the power empathy in your life.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Life Lessons: The Importance of Arts Education
Reading Dana Gioia's article on "The Impoverishment of American Culture" (Wall Street Journal - July 19, 2007) got me thinking about the importance of arts education in my life. And it got me wondering how to convey the value of arts education to my loved ones and future generations who read my ethical will).
Today, with the decline of arts programs in our public schools, children's arts education now depends primarily on their parent's income. What a dramatic (and sad) state of affairs that the arts have become expendable as public school budgets get cut!
Growing up in western Minnesota in the 50's and 60's, my arts education consisted of participating in school music programs -- marching band (the tuba player), orchestra (tuba again ... with fewer "um-pahs") and choir (plus my Lutheran church choir -- directed by our school band leader who recruited singers from the band). Add to that, a one-time drama stint in a class play as Doc Gibbs in "Our Town". I don't recall any "fine art" classes but must have taken at least one studio art class in high school. My only display of artistic talent was in a "shop class" project where I did an inlay of a deer on a wooden tray.
I became an avid (and lifelong) reader after my 5th grade teacher read us "The Hardy Boys" mysteries in class. My writing highlight was the publication in our local newspaper of my report on our 6th grade class trip to the Ford car manufacturing plant in St. Paul (I still recall writing about "building eight cars per hour" which amazed us all!).
In college, I recall taking an art history class, studying paintings from Old Masters whose work was flashed on a big screen (and having a test requiring identification of the artist!). I also recall that massive tome by Janson, History of Art -- the heaviest (in weight!) book of my college days. I got involved in photography too, doing "artsy" black and white photos after taking a photojournalism class.
Along the way in college, I had an internship as an assistant editor of a national church organization's magazine for men (called "Event") which was at the forefront social changes in the late 60's (yes, there were progressive Lutherans in Minnesota!). In our second issue, I was in charge of getting a story together about Sister Corita Kent and her art -- choosing her art pieces to print in color (a really "big deal" for me and the publication at the time). Other than that, like many college students in those days, my arts education was going to the movies and taking in occasional music performances.
Looking back today at the arts education of my school years, I can see how those early experiences set the stage for a life blessed with many extraordinary (and varied) experiences of music, drama, fine arts, writing of poetry and prose, and reading hundreds (thousands?) of books of both fiction and non-fiction. Today, I can see the "golden thread" of my early arts education that has led me to active involvement with our local arts center and to writing a blog about artists. It even led to recently seeing paintings by Rembrandt and other Old Masters (some of which I must have seen first in that Janson art history tome in college!). Adding to the "thread" was my visit this month to the Salem Art Fair & Festival, a wonderful event with over 200 artists from around the country showing their work in a beautiful wooded urban park setting.
So what did Dana Gioia have to say about arts education that connects to my life and my hopes for future generations? From his review of studies on American civic participation, he notes:
"What is the defining difference between passive and active citizens? Curiously, it isn't income, geography, or even education. It depends on whether or not they read for pleasure and participate in the arts. These cultural activities seem to awaken a heightened sense of individual awareness and social responsibility."
Gioia goes on to say, "Art is an irreplaceable way of understanding and expressing the world -- equal to but distinct from scientific and conceptual methods. Art addresses us in the fullness of our being -- simultaneously speaking to our intellect, emotions, intuition, imagination, memory, and physical senses. These are some truths about life that can be expressed only as stories or songs or images."
"Art delights, instructs, consoles. It educates our emotions. And it remembers. As Robert Frost once said about poetry, 'It is a way of remembering that which it would impoverish us to forget.' Art awakens, enlarges, refines and restores our humanity."
Couldn't say it any better than that! Thank you, Dana Gioia, for so clearly saying what I have experienced in my life as a result of my arts education. And thank you for your advocacy for a new national consensus that recognizes that "the real purpose of arts education is to create complete human beings capable of leading successful and productive lives in a free society."
My hope is that my children and grandchildren -- and future generations of Americans -- will value arts education and participate in the arts throughout their lives. If they do, I have no doubt that they will be blessed with many, many, magnificent life experiences!
Today, with the decline of arts programs in our public schools, children's arts education now depends primarily on their parent's income. What a dramatic (and sad) state of affairs that the arts have become expendable as public school budgets get cut!
Growing up in western Minnesota in the 50's and 60's, my arts education consisted of participating in school music programs -- marching band (the tuba player), orchestra (tuba again ... with fewer "um-pahs") and choir (plus my Lutheran church choir -- directed by our school band leader who recruited singers from the band). Add to that, a one-time drama stint in a class play as Doc Gibbs in "Our Town". I don't recall any "fine art" classes but must have taken at least one studio art class in high school. My only display of artistic talent was in a "shop class" project where I did an inlay of a deer on a wooden tray.
I became an avid (and lifelong) reader after my 5th grade teacher read us "The Hardy Boys" mysteries in class. My writing highlight was the publication in our local newspaper of my report on our 6th grade class trip to the Ford car manufacturing plant in St. Paul (I still recall writing about "building eight cars per hour" which amazed us all!).
In college, I recall taking an art history class, studying paintings from Old Masters whose work was flashed on a big screen (and having a test requiring identification of the artist!). I also recall that massive tome by Janson, History of Art -- the heaviest (in weight!) book of my college days. I got involved in photography too, doing "artsy" black and white photos after taking a photojournalism class.
Along the way in college, I had an internship as an assistant editor of a national church organization's magazine for men (called "Event") which was at the forefront social changes in the late 60's (yes, there were progressive Lutherans in Minnesota!). In our second issue, I was in charge of getting a story together about Sister Corita Kent and her art -- choosing her art pieces to print in color (a really "big deal" for me and the publication at the time). Other than that, like many college students in those days, my arts education was going to the movies and taking in occasional music performances.
Looking back today at the arts education of my school years, I can see how those early experiences set the stage for a life blessed with many extraordinary (and varied) experiences of music, drama, fine arts, writing of poetry and prose, and reading hundreds (thousands?) of books of both fiction and non-fiction. Today, I can see the "golden thread" of my early arts education that has led me to active involvement with our local arts center and to writing a blog about artists. It even led to recently seeing paintings by Rembrandt and other Old Masters (some of which I must have seen first in that Janson art history tome in college!). Adding to the "thread" was my visit this month to the Salem Art Fair & Festival, a wonderful event with over 200 artists from around the country showing their work in a beautiful wooded urban park setting.
So what did Dana Gioia have to say about arts education that connects to my life and my hopes for future generations? From his review of studies on American civic participation, he notes:
"What is the defining difference between passive and active citizens? Curiously, it isn't income, geography, or even education. It depends on whether or not they read for pleasure and participate in the arts. These cultural activities seem to awaken a heightened sense of individual awareness and social responsibility."
Gioia goes on to say, "Art is an irreplaceable way of understanding and expressing the world -- equal to but distinct from scientific and conceptual methods. Art addresses us in the fullness of our being -- simultaneously speaking to our intellect, emotions, intuition, imagination, memory, and physical senses. These are some truths about life that can be expressed only as stories or songs or images."
"Art delights, instructs, consoles. It educates our emotions. And it remembers. As Robert Frost once said about poetry, 'It is a way of remembering that which it would impoverish us to forget.' Art awakens, enlarges, refines and restores our humanity."
Couldn't say it any better than that! Thank you, Dana Gioia, for so clearly saying what I have experienced in my life as a result of my arts education. And thank you for your advocacy for a new national consensus that recognizes that "the real purpose of arts education is to create complete human beings capable of leading successful and productive lives in a free society."
My hope is that my children and grandchildren -- and future generations of Americans -- will value arts education and participate in the arts throughout their lives. If they do, I have no doubt that they will be blessed with many, many, magnificent life experiences!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Taking Action on Early Alzheimer's: Patient Activism
I've written about Alzheimer's in the past and was pleased to see USA Today feature a story on Tuesday (July 24, 2007) about "early" Alzheimer's patients. Reading about Richard Taylor's experience (and frustrations with the disease) offers a very personal view of one man's situation and the actions he's taking to speak out for people already silenced by the disease:
Patients take action on early Alzheimer's - USATODAY.com
The Alzheimer's Association is holding "town meetings" in four cities across the country inviting people to speak out. Locally, our Alzheimer's Chapter has monthly meetings to educate people about the disease. Wherever you live, I encourage you to learn about this disease which afflicts nearly half of all people over 85 (yes, mostly women!).
Patients take action on early Alzheimer's - USATODAY.com
The Alzheimer's Association is holding "town meetings" in four cities across the country inviting people to speak out. Locally, our Alzheimer's Chapter has monthly meetings to educate people about the disease. Wherever you live, I encourage you to learn about this disease which afflicts nearly half of all people over 85 (yes, mostly women!).
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Aging & Decision-Making: Mapping Uncharted Territory
A few weeks ago, I listened to an interview on the Jefferson Exchange which focused on decision-making as we age. The discussion got me wondering about how my ability to make decisions may change as I get older -- a subject I had never considered before.
Jeff Golden, the host of the radio show interviewed Ellen Peters, a senior research scientist with Decision Research, who had recently co-authored a journal article about the aging brain and decision-making.
Peters noted that how we think our way through information and how we feel our way through it effect our decision-making. And it depends on the situation which way of processing information works better.
Often, elders feel their way through decisions rather than think harder about them. Peters says "Thinking capacity declines with time. We learn less easily. We process information more slowly." But our emotional way of processing "may show improvements over time. We may tend to feel our way through decisions more when we are older."
Elders can be very intuitively intelligent, using what they have learned experientially throughout their lives to their advantage in making decisions. However, in unfamiliar situations and those dealing with numbers, older people tend to have more difficulty processing information and remembering it.
According to Peters, our memory and speed of processing generally decline with age but intuition remains stable throughout life. So elders rely more on their intuition in decision-making than younger people.
In response to a woman who called-in to the radio interview, Peters noted that "pattern recognition" plays a part in decision-making. She said that "as we get older, we see the forest, not just the trees" -- responding to the overall situation we face, not just the details -- when we need to make a decision.
Commenting about her research in a media story, Peters said "older people who make mistakes have less time and less physical resiliency to compensate for bad decisions than do younger people. Older people are more vulnerable."
"We may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but the old dog may have lots and lots of old tricks that help quite a bit. In some situations, the old dogs may be making better decisions than the pups."
Peters concluded the interview by saying that "deliberate decline is too simple a way to explain decision-making and aging." Our knowledge about the world through life experiences tends to rise over time even as the human brain's ability to process information declines with age.
So there is hope for this "old dog" as I age and make decisions in my life. Depending on the situation, I may even make better choices when I rely on my emotions and past experiences! Now, all I have to do is learn to be more patient with myself in situations where thinking harder about unfamiliar information will produce the best decision.
Jeff Golden, the host of the radio show interviewed Ellen Peters, a senior research scientist with Decision Research, who had recently co-authored a journal article about the aging brain and decision-making.
Peters noted that how we think our way through information and how we feel our way through it effect our decision-making. And it depends on the situation which way of processing information works better.
Often, elders feel their way through decisions rather than think harder about them. Peters says "Thinking capacity declines with time. We learn less easily. We process information more slowly." But our emotional way of processing "may show improvements over time. We may tend to feel our way through decisions more when we are older."
Elders can be very intuitively intelligent, using what they have learned experientially throughout their lives to their advantage in making decisions. However, in unfamiliar situations and those dealing with numbers, older people tend to have more difficulty processing information and remembering it.
According to Peters, our memory and speed of processing generally decline with age but intuition remains stable throughout life. So elders rely more on their intuition in decision-making than younger people.
In response to a woman who called-in to the radio interview, Peters noted that "pattern recognition" plays a part in decision-making. She said that "as we get older, we see the forest, not just the trees" -- responding to the overall situation we face, not just the details -- when we need to make a decision.
Commenting about her research in a media story, Peters said "older people who make mistakes have less time and less physical resiliency to compensate for bad decisions than do younger people. Older people are more vulnerable."
"We may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but the old dog may have lots and lots of old tricks that help quite a bit. In some situations, the old dogs may be making better decisions than the pups."
Peters concluded the interview by saying that "deliberate decline is too simple a way to explain decision-making and aging." Our knowledge about the world through life experiences tends to rise over time even as the human brain's ability to process information declines with age.
So there is hope for this "old dog" as I age and make decisions in my life. Depending on the situation, I may even make better choices when I rely on my emotions and past experiences! Now, all I have to do is learn to be more patient with myself in situations where thinking harder about unfamiliar information will produce the best decision.
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