"Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished."
You can read the poem and listen to Garrison's reading of it at:
What a great poem to inspire anyone on a new day!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Keeping Your Mind On What Matters
This morning on our NPR station, Garrison Keilor read a Mary Oliver poem that sounded like it belongs in her ethical will (and my everyday life!). I especially love the lines:
"Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished."
You can read the poem and listen to Garrison's reading of it at:
What a great poem to inspire anyone on a new day!
"Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished."
You can read the poem and listen to Garrison's reading of it at:
What a great poem to inspire anyone on a new day!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Your Legacy of Stories
In creating an ethical will, family stories and personal "tales" may be an important part of the content of your document. It depends on how much "story" has been part of your life and whether or not story-telling was valued in your family.
Last night at our monthly hospice volunteer meeting, we discussed plans for training volunteers to be "storycatchers" for hospice patients and their families. During the session, I led an exercise in which we imagined ourselves as hospice patients being visited by our assigned volunteer (who we had spoken with during previous visits).
In the imagined scenario, the volunteer has been asked by family members to record stories of your life (the hospice patient) for listening by your grandchildren and great-grandchildren in the future. You've agreed to record some of your life stories.
The volunteer says to you:
"Tell me one of your favorite stories that you've told many times in your life?"
(In the silence, participants allow stories to come to mind as they breathe into their heart).
After a minute or two of silence, the volunteer asks you a second question:
"What stories would you like people to tell about you after you're gone?"
(Once again, participants allowed stories to come to mind in the silence).
After another period of quiet, we concluded the exercise and came back to the present to share what stories (or other experiences) had emerged from the two questions.
While I won't share any specific stories here, participants reported that they often told stories about their children "over and over", about their significant family experiences, about important relationships in their life, and about major life "events". Some also told family stories that had been told to them by their parents or grandparents.
To the surprise of a few people, the second question awakened an emotional response about "remembrance" after one's death. It also raised wonderings about "Am I telling the stories I want to be remembered by?" and "Are their stories am I not telling (and keeping a secret)?"
You may want to "try on" the two questions from the exercise yourself. Or, if you'd like to pursue your life stories in more depth, I highly recommend an excellent study guide, "Storycatching with a circle of friends", available from Christina Baldwin on her website.
Last night at our monthly hospice volunteer meeting, we discussed plans for training volunteers to be "storycatchers" for hospice patients and their families. During the session, I led an exercise in which we imagined ourselves as hospice patients being visited by our assigned volunteer (who we had spoken with during previous visits).
In the imagined scenario, the volunteer has been asked by family members to record stories of your life (the hospice patient) for listening by your grandchildren and great-grandchildren in the future. You've agreed to record some of your life stories.
The volunteer says to you:
"Tell me one of your favorite stories that you've told many times in your life?"
(In the silence, participants allow stories to come to mind as they breathe into their heart).
After a minute or two of silence, the volunteer asks you a second question:
"What stories would you like people to tell about you after you're gone?"
(Once again, participants allowed stories to come to mind in the silence).
After another period of quiet, we concluded the exercise and came back to the present to share what stories (or other experiences) had emerged from the two questions.
While I won't share any specific stories here, participants reported that they often told stories about their children "over and over", about their significant family experiences, about important relationships in their life, and about major life "events". Some also told family stories that had been told to them by their parents or grandparents.
To the surprise of a few people, the second question awakened an emotional response about "remembrance" after one's death. It also raised wonderings about "Am I telling the stories I want to be remembered by?" and "Are their stories am I not telling (and keeping a secret)?"
You may want to "try on" the two questions from the exercise yourself. Or, if you'd like to pursue your life stories in more depth, I highly recommend an excellent study guide, "Storycatching with a circle of friends", available from Christina Baldwin on her website.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Hospice Volunteers to Become "Storycatchers"
Last month (Aug. 2 blog entry), I wrote about Christina Baldwin's new book, Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story, noting that it is an excellent guide for "catching" the stories in your life that you'd like to include in your ethical will. I've recently found another wonderful way to use "storycatching": to enhance the lives of hospice patients and their families.
After reading my blog, our hospice volunteer coordinator (at the local hospice I've served as a volunteer for six years) contacted me to explore the possibility of adding "storycatcher" training to their curriculum for volunteer training. Some families had previously requested a volunteer to record a patient's stories for their children and grandchildren to listen to in the future. (I had recorded stories of an elderly gentleman on hospice a few years ago -- an experience which ultimately led me to the subject of ethical wills!).
A couple of weeks ago, the hospice volunteer coordinator and I met to discuss how to introduce "storycatching" to current volunteers and the hospice team. We also planned a program about it for our upcoming monthly hospice volunteer potluck. Then last week, I met with the hospice team to discuss the idea and their role in offering the services of volunteers to "catch" stories of patients on audio or videotape for families. Since many of them had enjoyed hearing lots of stories from patients in their work (and knew of patients who had recorded family and personal stories before their death), there was excitement over the prospect of having volunteers available to serve as a "storycatcher" for their patients.
I'm looking forward to doing part of the training for volunteers and helping in the development of "tell me about ..." questions and a "listening" guide for use in recording the stories of hospice patients.
Knowing how much I would love to be able to listen today to the stories told by my father, grandmothers, and grandfathers, I have a sense of the meaning that recorded life stories of hospice patients will have for their family members (and future generations).
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Elder Wisdom Circles on the Internet
Happened across a copy of USAToday yesterday with an article about Elder Wisdom Circles (www.elderwisdomcircle.org) that I found hopeful in light of the fact that over 600 elders are "offering up their experience and wisdom via the Internet to the younger generation's confused and troubled." So far, over 60,000 requests for free, personalized advice!
You can read the article at:
USATODAY.com (Sept. 13, 2006) - "Elders dish advice ..."
For too long in my opinion, the wisdom of our elders has been ignored in our culture. Knowing that elders are being sought for advice over the Internet is great news! Now, how can we get more "youngsters" seeking elderwisdom face-to-face with the elders living in their neighborhoods, in retirement communities, assisted living facilities, and nursing homes? And how can we get more elders to share their wisdom in ethical wills and personal legacy letters to future generations of their families? I invite your ideas and suggestions.
You can read the article at:
USATODAY.com (Sept. 13, 2006) - "Elders dish advice ..."
For too long in my opinion, the wisdom of our elders has been ignored in our culture. Knowing that elders are being sought for advice over the Internet is great news! Now, how can we get more "youngsters" seeking elderwisdom face-to-face with the elders living in their neighborhoods, in retirement communities, assisted living facilities, and nursing homes? And how can we get more elders to share their wisdom in ethical wills and personal legacy letters to future generations of their families? I invite your ideas and suggestions.
More Wisdom from Pickles: "Beauty is in ..."
Enjoyed a good laugh over the wisdom about beauty that Grandpa passed along to his grandson:
Pickles (Sept. 13, 2006)
Reminds me to write about the subject of "beauty" in my ethical will (and the woman who taught me the most about it). And to let go of any expectations about whether or not my words "sink in" (and are remembered) by those who read what I've written!
Pickles (Sept. 13, 2006)
Reminds me to write about the subject of "beauty" in my ethical will (and the woman who taught me the most about it). And to let go of any expectations about whether or not my words "sink in" (and are remembered) by those who read what I've written!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
What Do You Love in Your Life?
Read a poem today (which appeared on Labor Day in Garrison Keilor's The Writer's Almanac) and I thought it spoke beautifully of the kind of people Marge Piercy loves in her life. Life's "loves" are a great topic to write about in an ethical will.
The Writer's Almanac - Poem by Marge Piercy
Hope you enjoy it! And write about your great "loves" in your ethical will.
The Writer's Almanac - Poem by Marge Piercy
Hope you enjoy it! And write about your great "loves" in your ethical will.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Imagining Grief on Life's Journey
I've been wanting to read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion for several months and had a copy practically leap into my hands from a cart of books waiting to be shelved at the library a few weeks ago. So I figured it must be the right time for me to read it. It's beautifully written yet brutally difficult to imagine living her story of the death of her husband of 40 years, author John Gregory Dunne, while also nearly losing their daughter, Quintana, to a life-threatening illness at the same time. As Didion puts it:
Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
While I don't intend to review the book here, there is one paragraph from Chapter 17 that so startled me with its wisdom about grief that I felt like it was a life lesson worth remembering (and a passage I'd recommend Joan Didion include in her ethical will):
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing". A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself."
As hard as the subject matter can be at times, The Year of Magical Thinking is well worth reading. Even though death seems to be most everyone's least favorite topic to read about -- much less talk about in public -- we're all headed in that direction . . . one day at a time.
Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
While I don't intend to review the book here, there is one paragraph from Chapter 17 that so startled me with its wisdom about grief that I felt like it was a life lesson worth remembering (and a passage I'd recommend Joan Didion include in her ethical will):
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing". A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself."
As hard as the subject matter can be at times, The Year of Magical Thinking is well worth reading. Even though death seems to be most everyone's least favorite topic to read about -- much less talk about in public -- we're all headed in that direction . . . one day at a time.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Life Lessons: "Waking Up" to Close Friendships
In my ethical will, one of the life lessons I've written about is the importance developing and nurturing close friendships, especially same gender friends. I had great boyhood "pals" but, like most men of my generation, I lost touch with them over the years (except for one man I've stayed in contact with). From my 20's into my 40's, I left the world of male friendships behind, focusing on my work and family -- spending no time on close friendships. My only so-called "man friends" were a few work colleagues and a neighbor or two who I'd play bridge with or a very occasional game of golf. None of us were able to talk about anything other than business, sports, or politics with one another.
Thankfully, I got a "wake-up call" -- a gift of the mens' movement in the early 1990's -- and started a group of men friends who I can talk with about anything going on in my life. For over 12 years, we've gotten together for breakfast every Tuesday morning to enjoy each other's company and talk about "our week" and the heart and soul issues of our lives. A few men have come and gone, replaced by others who've stayed. This week, the four men at the breakfast table ranged in age from 61 to 85 (our group's "old guy" bikes 3 miles to the restaurant -- and can do 49 "real" push-ups!). A couple of guys were missing but we know they'll return when they're back in town (or missing the easy companionship of men they can talk to about anything -- or nothing -- in their life that day).
Most years, our men's group has also gone to the Coast or to the Cascade mountains for a weekend together. No planned activities -- just time to talk, cook meals together (we eat very well indeed!), enjoy long morning walks on the beach or trails, and "hang out" in the natural beauty of Oregon. It's an incomparable experience that I wish every man could enjoy at some time in his life. I suspect that the world as we know it would be more peaceful and all relationships more harmonious if men of all ages had a such close group of friends.
My focus on male friendship was prompted by an article I read recently -- an excerpt from Bob Greene's book, And You Know You Should Be Glad: A True Story of Lifelong Friendship. Here's a link to the article:
Friends for Life
May Bob's story bless you with laughter and tears (as it did me when I read it). And inspire you to take the first steps (if you haven't already done so) to invite close friendships into your life -- making the commitment of time and consistent willingness to "show up" for the people who become your own friends for life.
Thankfully, I got a "wake-up call" -- a gift of the mens' movement in the early 1990's -- and started a group of men friends who I can talk with about anything going on in my life. For over 12 years, we've gotten together for breakfast every Tuesday morning to enjoy each other's company and talk about "our week" and the heart and soul issues of our lives. A few men have come and gone, replaced by others who've stayed. This week, the four men at the breakfast table ranged in age from 61 to 85 (our group's "old guy" bikes 3 miles to the restaurant -- and can do 49 "real" push-ups!). A couple of guys were missing but we know they'll return when they're back in town (or missing the easy companionship of men they can talk to about anything -- or nothing -- in their life that day).
Most years, our men's group has also gone to the Coast or to the Cascade mountains for a weekend together. No planned activities -- just time to talk, cook meals together (we eat very well indeed!), enjoy long morning walks on the beach or trails, and "hang out" in the natural beauty of Oregon. It's an incomparable experience that I wish every man could enjoy at some time in his life. I suspect that the world as we know it would be more peaceful and all relationships more harmonious if men of all ages had a such close group of friends.
My focus on male friendship was prompted by an article I read recently -- an excerpt from Bob Greene's book, And You Know You Should Be Glad: A True Story of Lifelong Friendship. Here's a link to the article:
Friends for Life
May Bob's story bless you with laughter and tears (as it did me when I read it). And inspire you to take the first steps (if you haven't already done so) to invite close friendships into your life -- making the commitment of time and consistent willingness to "show up" for the people who become your own friends for life.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
On Valued Life Learnings: Recognizing Our Teachers
In one section of my ethical will, I write about significant life learnings from teachers who've influenced the way I've chosen to live my life. Angeles Arrien, who I quoted last week in Reflections on the Second Half of Life, was one of those people. I met her just once several years ago when she did a workshop in Eugene and I've read all of her books. The wisdom she shared in The Four-Fold Way has made a life-shaping difference in my life over the past dozen or more years.
Most prominently, in the years I facilitated hundreds of mens' groups and workshops, Ms. Arrien's following words were confirmed (and affirmed) over and over in my experience as trust (and brotherly love) developed between the "strangers" who arrived for a weekend together or for a weekly support group:
"When we learn to live these archetypes within ourselves, we will begin to heal ourselves and our fragmented world.
1. Show up, or choose to be present. Being present allows us to access the human resources of power, presence, and communication. This is the way of the Warrior.
2. Pay attention to what has heart and meaning. Paying attention opens us to the human resources of love, gratitude, acknowledgment, and validation. This is the way of the Healer.
3. Tell the truth without blame or judgment. Nonjudgmental truthfulness maintains our authenticity, and develops our inner vision and intuition. This is the way of the Visionary.
4. Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome. Openness and nonattachment help us recover the human resources of wisdom and objectivity. This is the way of the Teacher.
When we understand these universal experiences, we are better able to respect the diverse ways in which these shared themes are expressed by all people."
While I may never learn to fully live these archetypes within me, they've been a powerful guide for my life and the lives of many of the men who shared the group experiences with me. For future generations who survive me, my hope is that people will honor this ancient wisdom -- learning to live "the four-fold way" to experience harmony with one another, with the environment, and with their own inner nature.
Most prominently, in the years I facilitated hundreds of mens' groups and workshops, Ms. Arrien's following words were confirmed (and affirmed) over and over in my experience as trust (and brotherly love) developed between the "strangers" who arrived for a weekend together or for a weekly support group:
"When we learn to live these archetypes within ourselves, we will begin to heal ourselves and our fragmented world.
1. Show up, or choose to be present. Being present allows us to access the human resources of power, presence, and communication. This is the way of the Warrior.
2. Pay attention to what has heart and meaning. Paying attention opens us to the human resources of love, gratitude, acknowledgment, and validation. This is the way of the Healer.
3. Tell the truth without blame or judgment. Nonjudgmental truthfulness maintains our authenticity, and develops our inner vision and intuition. This is the way of the Visionary.
4. Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome. Openness and nonattachment help us recover the human resources of wisdom and objectivity. This is the way of the Teacher.
When we understand these universal experiences, we are better able to respect the diverse ways in which these shared themes are expressed by all people."
While I may never learn to fully live these archetypes within me, they've been a powerful guide for my life and the lives of many of the men who shared the group experiences with me. For future generations who survive me, my hope is that people will honor this ancient wisdom -- learning to live "the four-fold way" to experience harmony with one another, with the environment, and with their own inner nature.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Reflections on the Second Half of Life
I've long admired the work of Angeles Arrien, a cultural anthropologist who wrote The Four-Fold Way and most recently, The Second Half of Life: Opening the Eight Gates of Wisdom. In her new book, Ms. Arrien offers the following passage which I find especially helpful for creating an ethical will:
"Nonattachment, surrender, and letting go of the future are necessary if you are to reflect on your entire life and all that you have been and done, and enter the final threshold of your life. You make the conscious choice of living not in the past or future, but in each present moment. This takes great courage and the ability to make peace with your life: to live without hope or fear, to let go without regret, to know that you have lived fully.
"Nonattachment, surrender, and letting go of the future are necessary if you are to reflect on your entire life and all that you have been and done, and enter the final threshold of your life. You make the conscious choice of living not in the past or future, but in each present moment. This takes great courage and the ability to make peace with your life: to live without hope or fear, to let go without regret, to know that you have lived fully.
- Reflect on your life and notice the areas where you are attached or have unfinished business. Consider this: If you knew when your life would end, what would you do to live out your final days in a full and complete way? As you cannot know the moment your life will end, why not live each moment as though it were the most precious one left to you?
- How do you honor your ancestors? What do you know about them? What qualities in your ancestors would you like to emulate?
- What was your first experience of death? Who died? What impact did this event have upon you? How has your relationship to death changed since then?
- Identify what you are grateful for in your life journey; what have you learned from this journey and what have been the many blessings and opportunities offered to you along the way?
- Review where you have been positively affected and changed for the better by your life journey.
- Where were you challenged, tested, and stretched beyond your perceived capacities?
- What do you need to mend your life or where do you need to do rectification or reparations work? What final forgiveness work is needed for you to feel complete? What do you need to say or do to feel complete?"
Monday, August 14, 2006
Leadership Lessons From Mom
I came across an article in an issue of Business Week that offered some wonderful life lessons that Henry Givray received from his mother, Stavroula Givray. Here's a link:
Leadership Lessons From Mom
Henry poses a great question for business leaders at the end of his commentary:
"In the end, isn't making an enduring difference in the lives of people by inspiring them and enabling them to do great work and reach their utmost potential what leadership is all about?"
Leadership Lessons From Mom
Henry poses a great question for business leaders at the end of his commentary:
"In the end, isn't making an enduring difference in the lives of people by inspiring them and enabling them to do great work and reach their utmost potential what leadership is all about?"
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Voicing Your Beliefs in An Ethical Will
Most people I've worked with to create their own ethical will have included a section about their beliefs. If you'd like some inspiration for writing and giving voice to your beliefs, take a listen to (or read) some of the essays from the "This I Believe" program on NPR:
This I Believe
After you've written your beliefs for your ethical will, you may want to contribute some of what you've written to the radio program. They've made it easy (once you get through their "submission agreement"). I haven't contributed myself yet, but have added it to my "to do" list for some day in the future.
Let me know when to listen to your "This I Believe" segment on our local NPR station.
This I Believe
After you've written your beliefs for your ethical will, you may want to contribute some of what you've written to the radio program. They've made it easy (once you get through their "submission agreement"). I haven't contributed myself yet, but have added it to my "to do" list for some day in the future.
Let me know when to listen to your "This I Believe" segment on our local NPR station.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Some Funny Advice On Not Giving Advice in Your Ethical Will
I caution people not to give advice (nor guilt-trip) family members in their ethical will; rather, choose to focus on sharing "lessons" from your life experience and your values.
Reading today's comics, Pickles reminded me of the wisdom of not sharing "all my wisdom" as a Grampa:
Pickles - August 5, 2006
Any advice you'd care to share about not sharing "advice" in your ethical will?
Reading today's comics, Pickles reminded me of the wisdom of not sharing "all my wisdom" as a Grampa:
Pickles - August 5, 2006
Any advice you'd care to share about not sharing "advice" in your ethical will?
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Becoming A "Storycatcher"
I've long admired Christina Baldwin's writing and storytelling. Her latest book, Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story, is a wonderful resource and guide for "catching" the stories in your life that you'd like to include in your ethical will.
Baldwin says that "we all have moments in our lives when we find our depth. Reflection on those times helps to create a story that defines how we live our lives. The responsibility of a Storycatcher is to use the spiral of story and experience to add insight and meaning to our life events. The more deeply we carry the story, the more we can recognize wisdom in our lives and the lives of those around us."
The book offers many questions and "tell me this story. . ." beginnings to get you started with writing your personal and family stories. I highly recommend Christina Baldwin's book which tells her life story while providing inspiration for writing and telling the stories of our own lives.
More information is available at: www.storycatcher.net.
Baldwin says that "we all have moments in our lives when we find our depth. Reflection on those times helps to create a story that defines how we live our lives. The responsibility of a Storycatcher is to use the spiral of story and experience to add insight and meaning to our life events. The more deeply we carry the story, the more we can recognize wisdom in our lives and the lives of those around us."
The book offers many questions and "tell me this story. . ." beginnings to get you started with writing your personal and family stories. I highly recommend Christina Baldwin's book which tells her life story while providing inspiration for writing and telling the stories of our own lives.
More information is available at: www.storycatcher.net.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Recording Family Stories for Your Ethical Will
Family stories can be an important part of your ethical will. You may be the last person in your family who remembers a story that you'd like to pass along to future generations. Or, you may want to tell a story about yourself that you'd like remembered.
Hearing your voice telling the story can be especially moving for those who care about you. Your loved ones will cherish the family stories and remembrances from your life that you've taken the time to record or videotape.
For a sampling of memorable life stories that could be part of someone's ethical will, I recommend listening to the stories that "StoryCorps" has been offering on PBS Radio. The story I heard today by pediatrician, John Bancroft, telling his daughter about a young patient touched that place in my heart that releases a stream of tears.
StoryCorps - Listen
Take a few moments to listen to some of the stories. Then think about family or personal stories you may like to record. When you're ready, tape record or videotape yourself telling the stories (or ask a family member or friend to help you do it). Make your stories part of your ethical will. You may also want to transcribe your recorded stories so you have a written version to preserve for the future (in case the recording technology changes as much in the next 25 years as it did in the last 25 years!).
Hearing your voice telling the story can be especially moving for those who care about you. Your loved ones will cherish the family stories and remembrances from your life that you've taken the time to record or videotape.
For a sampling of memorable life stories that could be part of someone's ethical will, I recommend listening to the stories that "StoryCorps" has been offering on PBS Radio. The story I heard today by pediatrician, John Bancroft, telling his daughter about a young patient touched that place in my heart that releases a stream of tears.
StoryCorps - Listen
Take a few moments to listen to some of the stories. Then think about family or personal stories you may like to record. When you're ready, tape record or videotape yourself telling the stories (or ask a family member or friend to help you do it). Make your stories part of your ethical will. You may also want to transcribe your recorded stories so you have a written version to preserve for the future (in case the recording technology changes as much in the next 25 years as it did in the last 25 years!).
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Poetry in Your Ethical Will
When I read Julia Kasdorf's poem What I Learned from My Mother (from her book, Sleeping Preacher) in our local newspaper recently, I thought "what a great poem for an ethical will!".
Here's a link to Kasdorf's poem which Ted Kooser, U.S. poet lauerate, included in a recent "American Life In Poetry" column:
What I Learned from My Mother
It inspired me to think about adding a few poems that I've written over the years to my ethical will. That means digging through old journals to find poems that I'd like to include. It could take awhile but may be just what I need to get them "organized" (or, at least see if there are poems I'd like to keep for future reading "when I get old").
Have you included poems you've written in your ethical will? Or some prose writing from earlier in your life? Let me know if you have. And, if you're willing to share what you've written, please e-mail me or add your poems to our blog "comments".
Here's a link to Kasdorf's poem which Ted Kooser, U.S. poet lauerate, included in a recent "American Life In Poetry" column:
What I Learned from My Mother
It inspired me to think about adding a few poems that I've written over the years to my ethical will. That means digging through old journals to find poems that I'd like to include. It could take awhile but may be just what I need to get them "organized" (or, at least see if there are poems I'd like to keep for future reading "when I get old").
Have you included poems you've written in your ethical will? Or some prose writing from earlier in your life? Let me know if you have. And, if you're willing to share what you've written, please e-mail me or add your poems to our blog "comments".
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Writing A Personal Legacy Letter
Similar to an ethical will but usually shorter in length, a personal legacy letter is written to share what has been most important in your life with the most important people in your life. It should speak from your heart in your own voice. The words you write can bring a deeper meaning to your life in the present as well as create healing in your relationships.
Reflections on my values and life lessons:
What I have valued most in my life is . . .
My life experience has taught me . . .
My special memories and cherished moments:
Some of my special memories are of . . .
I especially cherish the moments when . . .
Reflections on my spiritual beliefs:
What has given me strength in difficult times is my faith in . . .
I believe . . .
Expressions of any regrets and forgiveness:
I regret the time when . . .
I ask for your forgiveness for . . .
Future hopes and wishes:
My hopes for all of you include . . .
I ask that you . . . (any special requests) . . .
Expressions of gratitude and love:
Last thoughts and blessings:
If I were saying “good-bye” to you today for the last time, I would want you to know . . .
May your lives be blessed with . . .
Your handwritten signature:
Please feel free to copy of this document to pass along to people you know and use it as a guide for interviewing people who would like your help in writing their own personal legacy letter.
I'd appreciate hearing from people who've used this outline and are willing to share what they've written (anonymously, of course).
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
"Old Dad" Creates A Video Legacy for His Young Son
I love learning about new ways that people are creating life legacies to share with future generations of their family. Much to my surprise and delight, this week I read about a one in the Portland Business Journal. Their publisher, Craig Wessel -- a self-described "old dad" at the age of 47 -- writes about the videotapes he is creating to give to his young son when he reaches the age of 21.
On a semi-regular basis, Craig talks on video to his son "as though I were talking to him when he is 21. I tell him about what is happening in our lives right now. I tell him about our family history. I tell him about all the stuff that I'll tell him over the next 16 years that I know he'll forget or not listen to -- the life lesson things that seem ever so painful to hear until the person telling you about them is no longer around. I introduce him to himself at 2, at 2 1/2, at 3 and do little interviews with him. We sing songs together for his 21-year old benefit. I'll be interviewing other family members over the years so he gets to know them when they were younger. There are all sorts of possibilities. I've only scratched the surface."
For your reading enjoyment, here's a link to the complete story:
Packing a few extra burdens to lighten a son's journey
Thank you, Craig, for sharing the unique way you're creating a life legacy for future generations of your family and for blessing your son with a gift that most every son (and daughter) would love to have received from "old dad".
On a semi-regular basis, Craig talks on video to his son "as though I were talking to him when he is 21. I tell him about what is happening in our lives right now. I tell him about our family history. I tell him about all the stuff that I'll tell him over the next 16 years that I know he'll forget or not listen to -- the life lesson things that seem ever so painful to hear until the person telling you about them is no longer around. I introduce him to himself at 2, at 2 1/2, at 3 and do little interviews with him. We sing songs together for his 21-year old benefit. I'll be interviewing other family members over the years so he gets to know them when they were younger. There are all sorts of possibilities. I've only scratched the surface."
For your reading enjoyment, here's a link to the complete story:
Packing a few extra burdens to lighten a son's journey
Thank you, Craig, for sharing the unique way you're creating a life legacy for future generations of your family and for blessing your son with a gift that most every son (and daughter) would love to have received from "old dad".
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Learning From Our Elders
My highest vision for my work with people to create and share their personal life legacies is to birth (or midwife) a society in which the wisdom of elders is honored and taken to heart in important life decisions of individuals, organizations, and nations.
In my lifetime of over 60 years, the wisdom of our elders has hardly been considered -- much less taken seriously -- in decisions of our nation and organizations. And the wisdom of women (especially, elderly women) has largely been ignored.
I wonder how different my life would have been if my grandmothers and grandfathers could have shared their life lessons with me. Would I have listened and taken their wisdom to heart in my life's decisions? Would my values be different?
And I wonder how different our country would be if our leaders (and followers) considered the wisdom of women in our nation's governance. Somehow, I can't imagine that we would be fighting yet another war (this time "on terror") in which "old" uninitiated male leaders have once again sent "young" men (and more women than ever before) to die "to protect our way of life" or "to spread democracy" around the world.
These issues came to mind in my reading of William Bridges, The Way of Transition, in which he says that if elders "can perceive, understand, and appreciate the meaning of the meandering path they have followed, they can play a significant social role by helping younger people to understand the significance of the transitions in their own lives. They can help others to discover the deeper meaning (or developmental significance) of otherwise negative life events. For they have encountered the problems that signal a time of transition often enough to recognize them and take them seriously."
Bridges goes on to say that the elderly "can appreciate the tremendous value of living through times when letting go is the only appropriate response to life. Important though perseverance is, they know how easily it can turn into a refusal to get the message that life is trying to deliver. For in many cases, being unwilling to accept defeat -- though celebrated in the world of sports and warfare -- is a guarantee that one will never learn the lessons that must be learned if one is to mature."
"Old people, if they have learned from the transitions they have been through, grow more tolerant. They see that wholeness is the goal, and that to exclude anything is a brief and shallow victory that leads to ultimate defeat. They can help us to counterbalance our society's overemphasis on worldly success, not by scorning success but by disidentifying from the outcomes of the efforts that they, like anyone else, make. To do one's best and then to let outcomes be what they will is both to acknowledge realistically how often outcomes are beyond our control and to guard against the neurotic attempts at controlling how things turn out -- efforts that lead to everything from defensiveness to dishonesty."
Elders have "the good fortune to live in life's richest phase. That is not to say that they may not have pain and grief, but simply that they can at least see beyond life's window dressing. Their only inevitable sadness is that the living they can at last savor is also running out. But they can see and appreciate the lives they have lived as journeys that they have been on."
In my lifetime of over 60 years, the wisdom of our elders has hardly been considered -- much less taken seriously -- in decisions of our nation and organizations. And the wisdom of women (especially, elderly women) has largely been ignored.
I wonder how different my life would have been if my grandmothers and grandfathers could have shared their life lessons with me. Would I have listened and taken their wisdom to heart in my life's decisions? Would my values be different?
And I wonder how different our country would be if our leaders (and followers) considered the wisdom of women in our nation's governance. Somehow, I can't imagine that we would be fighting yet another war (this time "on terror") in which "old" uninitiated male leaders have once again sent "young" men (and more women than ever before) to die "to protect our way of life" or "to spread democracy" around the world.
These issues came to mind in my reading of William Bridges, The Way of Transition, in which he says that if elders "can perceive, understand, and appreciate the meaning of the meandering path they have followed, they can play a significant social role by helping younger people to understand the significance of the transitions in their own lives. They can help others to discover the deeper meaning (or developmental significance) of otherwise negative life events. For they have encountered the problems that signal a time of transition often enough to recognize them and take them seriously."
Bridges goes on to say that the elderly "can appreciate the tremendous value of living through times when letting go is the only appropriate response to life. Important though perseverance is, they know how easily it can turn into a refusal to get the message that life is trying to deliver. For in many cases, being unwilling to accept defeat -- though celebrated in the world of sports and warfare -- is a guarantee that one will never learn the lessons that must be learned if one is to mature."
"Old people, if they have learned from the transitions they have been through, grow more tolerant. They see that wholeness is the goal, and that to exclude anything is a brief and shallow victory that leads to ultimate defeat. They can help us to counterbalance our society's overemphasis on worldly success, not by scorning success but by disidentifying from the outcomes of the efforts that they, like anyone else, make. To do one's best and then to let outcomes be what they will is both to acknowledge realistically how often outcomes are beyond our control and to guard against the neurotic attempts at controlling how things turn out -- efforts that lead to everything from defensiveness to dishonesty."
Elders have "the good fortune to live in life's richest phase. That is not to say that they may not have pain and grief, but simply that they can at least see beyond life's window dressing. Their only inevitable sadness is that the living they can at last savor is also running out. But they can see and appreciate the lives they have lived as journeys that they have been on."
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The Life Legacies of Senior Companions
On Tuesday morning, I had the privilege of speaking about ethical wills to our local Senior Companion volunteers. This lively group of 75 or so people are seniors in our community who are providing support and companionship for over 700 other seniors and disabled adults throughout Lane County.
As I looked out from the podium at the women (and a few men) in the group, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for this generation of people who are willing to serve and make a difference in the lives of others. With their presence, they reduce social isolation of seniors. With their talents, they get things done that need to be done each day for the well-being of people they serve.
During my talk, I ask the audience to reflect on a couple of questions that are helpful in starting an ethical will. They quietly write their individual responses for 5 - 10 minutes. Then I invite them to share their reflections with another person. Each time, a wonderful "buzz" of talk begins ... and grows ... and grows ... "buzzing" along until I have to bring their conversations to a close.
It's always a joy to see groups of seniors quickly get to the heart of what has been important in their lives. And most people are willing to generously share their life learnings with others at their table. So much wisdom in one room! Will our culture ever take time to hear what our elders have to say? Will we ever learn from their wisdom? Maybe, someday I'll be able to get two or three generations of people into the same room to listen. Just listen. And experience the wisdom of elders entering every heart in the room.
After my talk, the director of the program was inspiring with her words of encouragement to everyone in the room -- to honor our unique, one-of-a-kind selves by acknowledging and sharing our personal life legacy with others. Not to wait. Not to "think" that what each one of us has to say and do doesn't matter. She challenged us, saying: "Our children are not our future. We are creating the future for our children ... and our grandchildren ... 'til our last breath!" Bless you, Jean, for being an inspiration to me and so many others with your teaching and your life!
If you know people (over 60 years of age) who would like to be a companion to seniors and disabled adults in Lane County, I encourage you to contact the program at 683-8043. They have scheduled a training for new volunteers starting July 10th.
Here's a link for more information about the Senior Companion program:
Senior Companions
(NOTE: If your organization, church, or service group would like a program about personal legacies and ethical wills, please contact me via e-mail (click the "envelope" icon below or write to me at: LastingLegacies@gmail.com).
As I looked out from the podium at the women (and a few men) in the group, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for this generation of people who are willing to serve and make a difference in the lives of others. With their presence, they reduce social isolation of seniors. With their talents, they get things done that need to be done each day for the well-being of people they serve.
During my talk, I ask the audience to reflect on a couple of questions that are helpful in starting an ethical will. They quietly write their individual responses for 5 - 10 minutes. Then I invite them to share their reflections with another person. Each time, a wonderful "buzz" of talk begins ... and grows ... and grows ... "buzzing" along until I have to bring their conversations to a close.
It's always a joy to see groups of seniors quickly get to the heart of what has been important in their lives. And most people are willing to generously share their life learnings with others at their table. So much wisdom in one room! Will our culture ever take time to hear what our elders have to say? Will we ever learn from their wisdom? Maybe, someday I'll be able to get two or three generations of people into the same room to listen. Just listen. And experience the wisdom of elders entering every heart in the room.
After my talk, the director of the program was inspiring with her words of encouragement to everyone in the room -- to honor our unique, one-of-a-kind selves by acknowledging and sharing our personal life legacy with others. Not to wait. Not to "think" that what each one of us has to say and do doesn't matter. She challenged us, saying: "Our children are not our future. We are creating the future for our children ... and our grandchildren ... 'til our last breath!" Bless you, Jean, for being an inspiration to me and so many others with your teaching and your life!
If you know people (over 60 years of age) who would like to be a companion to seniors and disabled adults in Lane County, I encourage you to contact the program at 683-8043. They have scheduled a training for new volunteers starting July 10th.
Here's a link for more information about the Senior Companion program:
Senior Companions
(NOTE: If your organization, church, or service group would like a program about personal legacies and ethical wills, please contact me via e-mail (click the "envelope" icon below or write to me at: LastingLegacies@gmail.com).
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