Family stories can be an important part of your ethical will. You may be the last person in your family who remembers a story that you'd like to pass along to future generations. Or, you may want to tell a story about yourself that you'd like remembered.
Hearing your voice telling the story can be especially moving for those who care about you. Your loved ones will cherish the family stories and remembrances from your life that you've taken the time to record or videotape.
For a sampling of memorable life stories that could be part of someone's ethical will, I recommend listening to the stories that "StoryCorps" has been offering on PBS Radio. The story I heard today by pediatrician, John Bancroft, telling his daughter about a young patient touched that place in my heart that releases a stream of tears.
StoryCorps - Listen
Take a few moments to listen to some of the stories. Then think about family or personal stories you may like to record. When you're ready, tape record or videotape yourself telling the stories (or ask a family member or friend to help you do it). Make your stories part of your ethical will. You may also want to transcribe your recorded stories so you have a written version to preserve for the future (in case the recording technology changes as much in the next 25 years as it did in the last 25 years!).
Friday, July 28, 2006
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Poetry in Your Ethical Will
When I read Julia Kasdorf's poem What I Learned from My Mother (from her book, Sleeping Preacher) in our local newspaper recently, I thought "what a great poem for an ethical will!".
Here's a link to Kasdorf's poem which Ted Kooser, U.S. poet lauerate, included in a recent "American Life In Poetry" column:
What I Learned from My Mother
It inspired me to think about adding a few poems that I've written over the years to my ethical will. That means digging through old journals to find poems that I'd like to include. It could take awhile but may be just what I need to get them "organized" (or, at least see if there are poems I'd like to keep for future reading "when I get old").
Have you included poems you've written in your ethical will? Or some prose writing from earlier in your life? Let me know if you have. And, if you're willing to share what you've written, please e-mail me or add your poems to our blog "comments".
Here's a link to Kasdorf's poem which Ted Kooser, U.S. poet lauerate, included in a recent "American Life In Poetry" column:
What I Learned from My Mother
It inspired me to think about adding a few poems that I've written over the years to my ethical will. That means digging through old journals to find poems that I'd like to include. It could take awhile but may be just what I need to get them "organized" (or, at least see if there are poems I'd like to keep for future reading "when I get old").
Have you included poems you've written in your ethical will? Or some prose writing from earlier in your life? Let me know if you have. And, if you're willing to share what you've written, please e-mail me or add your poems to our blog "comments".
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Writing A Personal Legacy Letter
Similar to an ethical will but usually shorter in length, a personal legacy letter is written to share what has been most important in your life with the most important people in your life. It should speak from your heart in your own voice. The words you write can bring a deeper meaning to your life in the present as well as create healing in your relationships.
Reflections on my values and life lessons:
What I have valued most in my life is . . .
My life experience has taught me . . .
My special memories and cherished moments:
Some of my special memories are of . . .
I especially cherish the moments when . . .
Reflections on my spiritual beliefs:
What has given me strength in difficult times is my faith in . . .
I believe . . .
Expressions of any regrets and forgiveness:
I regret the time when . . .
I ask for your forgiveness for . . .
Future hopes and wishes:
My hopes for all of you include . . .
I ask that you . . . (any special requests) . . .
Expressions of gratitude and love:
Last thoughts and blessings:
If I were saying “good-bye” to you today for the last time, I would want you to know . . .
May your lives be blessed with . . .
Your handwritten signature:
Please feel free to copy of this document to pass along to people you know and use it as a guide for interviewing people who would like your help in writing their own personal legacy letter.
I'd appreciate hearing from people who've used this outline and are willing to share what they've written (anonymously, of course).
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
"Old Dad" Creates A Video Legacy for His Young Son
I love learning about new ways that people are creating life legacies to share with future generations of their family. Much to my surprise and delight, this week I read about a one in the Portland Business Journal. Their publisher, Craig Wessel -- a self-described "old dad" at the age of 47 -- writes about the videotapes he is creating to give to his young son when he reaches the age of 21.
On a semi-regular basis, Craig talks on video to his son "as though I were talking to him when he is 21. I tell him about what is happening in our lives right now. I tell him about our family history. I tell him about all the stuff that I'll tell him over the next 16 years that I know he'll forget or not listen to -- the life lesson things that seem ever so painful to hear until the person telling you about them is no longer around. I introduce him to himself at 2, at 2 1/2, at 3 and do little interviews with him. We sing songs together for his 21-year old benefit. I'll be interviewing other family members over the years so he gets to know them when they were younger. There are all sorts of possibilities. I've only scratched the surface."
For your reading enjoyment, here's a link to the complete story:
Packing a few extra burdens to lighten a son's journey
Thank you, Craig, for sharing the unique way you're creating a life legacy for future generations of your family and for blessing your son with a gift that most every son (and daughter) would love to have received from "old dad".
On a semi-regular basis, Craig talks on video to his son "as though I were talking to him when he is 21. I tell him about what is happening in our lives right now. I tell him about our family history. I tell him about all the stuff that I'll tell him over the next 16 years that I know he'll forget or not listen to -- the life lesson things that seem ever so painful to hear until the person telling you about them is no longer around. I introduce him to himself at 2, at 2 1/2, at 3 and do little interviews with him. We sing songs together for his 21-year old benefit. I'll be interviewing other family members over the years so he gets to know them when they were younger. There are all sorts of possibilities. I've only scratched the surface."
For your reading enjoyment, here's a link to the complete story:
Packing a few extra burdens to lighten a son's journey
Thank you, Craig, for sharing the unique way you're creating a life legacy for future generations of your family and for blessing your son with a gift that most every son (and daughter) would love to have received from "old dad".
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Learning From Our Elders
My highest vision for my work with people to create and share their personal life legacies is to birth (or midwife) a society in which the wisdom of elders is honored and taken to heart in important life decisions of individuals, organizations, and nations.
In my lifetime of over 60 years, the wisdom of our elders has hardly been considered -- much less taken seriously -- in decisions of our nation and organizations. And the wisdom of women (especially, elderly women) has largely been ignored.
I wonder how different my life would have been if my grandmothers and grandfathers could have shared their life lessons with me. Would I have listened and taken their wisdom to heart in my life's decisions? Would my values be different?
And I wonder how different our country would be if our leaders (and followers) considered the wisdom of women in our nation's governance. Somehow, I can't imagine that we would be fighting yet another war (this time "on terror") in which "old" uninitiated male leaders have once again sent "young" men (and more women than ever before) to die "to protect our way of life" or "to spread democracy" around the world.
These issues came to mind in my reading of William Bridges, The Way of Transition, in which he says that if elders "can perceive, understand, and appreciate the meaning of the meandering path they have followed, they can play a significant social role by helping younger people to understand the significance of the transitions in their own lives. They can help others to discover the deeper meaning (or developmental significance) of otherwise negative life events. For they have encountered the problems that signal a time of transition often enough to recognize them and take them seriously."
Bridges goes on to say that the elderly "can appreciate the tremendous value of living through times when letting go is the only appropriate response to life. Important though perseverance is, they know how easily it can turn into a refusal to get the message that life is trying to deliver. For in many cases, being unwilling to accept defeat -- though celebrated in the world of sports and warfare -- is a guarantee that one will never learn the lessons that must be learned if one is to mature."
"Old people, if they have learned from the transitions they have been through, grow more tolerant. They see that wholeness is the goal, and that to exclude anything is a brief and shallow victory that leads to ultimate defeat. They can help us to counterbalance our society's overemphasis on worldly success, not by scorning success but by disidentifying from the outcomes of the efforts that they, like anyone else, make. To do one's best and then to let outcomes be what they will is both to acknowledge realistically how often outcomes are beyond our control and to guard against the neurotic attempts at controlling how things turn out -- efforts that lead to everything from defensiveness to dishonesty."
Elders have "the good fortune to live in life's richest phase. That is not to say that they may not have pain and grief, but simply that they can at least see beyond life's window dressing. Their only inevitable sadness is that the living they can at last savor is also running out. But they can see and appreciate the lives they have lived as journeys that they have been on."
In my lifetime of over 60 years, the wisdom of our elders has hardly been considered -- much less taken seriously -- in decisions of our nation and organizations. And the wisdom of women (especially, elderly women) has largely been ignored.
I wonder how different my life would have been if my grandmothers and grandfathers could have shared their life lessons with me. Would I have listened and taken their wisdom to heart in my life's decisions? Would my values be different?
And I wonder how different our country would be if our leaders (and followers) considered the wisdom of women in our nation's governance. Somehow, I can't imagine that we would be fighting yet another war (this time "on terror") in which "old" uninitiated male leaders have once again sent "young" men (and more women than ever before) to die "to protect our way of life" or "to spread democracy" around the world.
These issues came to mind in my reading of William Bridges, The Way of Transition, in which he says that if elders "can perceive, understand, and appreciate the meaning of the meandering path they have followed, they can play a significant social role by helping younger people to understand the significance of the transitions in their own lives. They can help others to discover the deeper meaning (or developmental significance) of otherwise negative life events. For they have encountered the problems that signal a time of transition often enough to recognize them and take them seriously."
Bridges goes on to say that the elderly "can appreciate the tremendous value of living through times when letting go is the only appropriate response to life. Important though perseverance is, they know how easily it can turn into a refusal to get the message that life is trying to deliver. For in many cases, being unwilling to accept defeat -- though celebrated in the world of sports and warfare -- is a guarantee that one will never learn the lessons that must be learned if one is to mature."
"Old people, if they have learned from the transitions they have been through, grow more tolerant. They see that wholeness is the goal, and that to exclude anything is a brief and shallow victory that leads to ultimate defeat. They can help us to counterbalance our society's overemphasis on worldly success, not by scorning success but by disidentifying from the outcomes of the efforts that they, like anyone else, make. To do one's best and then to let outcomes be what they will is both to acknowledge realistically how often outcomes are beyond our control and to guard against the neurotic attempts at controlling how things turn out -- efforts that lead to everything from defensiveness to dishonesty."
Elders have "the good fortune to live in life's richest phase. That is not to say that they may not have pain and grief, but simply that they can at least see beyond life's window dressing. Their only inevitable sadness is that the living they can at last savor is also running out. But they can see and appreciate the lives they have lived as journeys that they have been on."
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The Life Legacies of Senior Companions
On Tuesday morning, I had the privilege of speaking about ethical wills to our local Senior Companion volunteers. This lively group of 75 or so people are seniors in our community who are providing support and companionship for over 700 other seniors and disabled adults throughout Lane County.
As I looked out from the podium at the women (and a few men) in the group, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for this generation of people who are willing to serve and make a difference in the lives of others. With their presence, they reduce social isolation of seniors. With their talents, they get things done that need to be done each day for the well-being of people they serve.
During my talk, I ask the audience to reflect on a couple of questions that are helpful in starting an ethical will. They quietly write their individual responses for 5 - 10 minutes. Then I invite them to share their reflections with another person. Each time, a wonderful "buzz" of talk begins ... and grows ... and grows ... "buzzing" along until I have to bring their conversations to a close.
It's always a joy to see groups of seniors quickly get to the heart of what has been important in their lives. And most people are willing to generously share their life learnings with others at their table. So much wisdom in one room! Will our culture ever take time to hear what our elders have to say? Will we ever learn from their wisdom? Maybe, someday I'll be able to get two or three generations of people into the same room to listen. Just listen. And experience the wisdom of elders entering every heart in the room.
After my talk, the director of the program was inspiring with her words of encouragement to everyone in the room -- to honor our unique, one-of-a-kind selves by acknowledging and sharing our personal life legacy with others. Not to wait. Not to "think" that what each one of us has to say and do doesn't matter. She challenged us, saying: "Our children are not our future. We are creating the future for our children ... and our grandchildren ... 'til our last breath!" Bless you, Jean, for being an inspiration to me and so many others with your teaching and your life!
If you know people (over 60 years of age) who would like to be a companion to seniors and disabled adults in Lane County, I encourage you to contact the program at 683-8043. They have scheduled a training for new volunteers starting July 10th.
Here's a link for more information about the Senior Companion program:
Senior Companions
(NOTE: If your organization, church, or service group would like a program about personal legacies and ethical wills, please contact me via e-mail (click the "envelope" icon below or write to me at: LastingLegacies@gmail.com).
As I looked out from the podium at the women (and a few men) in the group, I felt a deep sense of gratitude for this generation of people who are willing to serve and make a difference in the lives of others. With their presence, they reduce social isolation of seniors. With their talents, they get things done that need to be done each day for the well-being of people they serve.
During my talk, I ask the audience to reflect on a couple of questions that are helpful in starting an ethical will. They quietly write their individual responses for 5 - 10 minutes. Then I invite them to share their reflections with another person. Each time, a wonderful "buzz" of talk begins ... and grows ... and grows ... "buzzing" along until I have to bring their conversations to a close.
It's always a joy to see groups of seniors quickly get to the heart of what has been important in their lives. And most people are willing to generously share their life learnings with others at their table. So much wisdom in one room! Will our culture ever take time to hear what our elders have to say? Will we ever learn from their wisdom? Maybe, someday I'll be able to get two or three generations of people into the same room to listen. Just listen. And experience the wisdom of elders entering every heart in the room.
After my talk, the director of the program was inspiring with her words of encouragement to everyone in the room -- to honor our unique, one-of-a-kind selves by acknowledging and sharing our personal life legacy with others. Not to wait. Not to "think" that what each one of us has to say and do doesn't matter. She challenged us, saying: "Our children are not our future. We are creating the future for our children ... and our grandchildren ... 'til our last breath!" Bless you, Jean, for being an inspiration to me and so many others with your teaching and your life!
If you know people (over 60 years of age) who would like to be a companion to seniors and disabled adults in Lane County, I encourage you to contact the program at 683-8043. They have scheduled a training for new volunteers starting July 10th.
Here's a link for more information about the Senior Companion program:
Senior Companions
(NOTE: If your organization, church, or service group would like a program about personal legacies and ethical wills, please contact me via e-mail (click the "envelope" icon below or write to me at: LastingLegacies@gmail.com).
Friday, June 23, 2006
The Greening of Aging
Most of the people I've worked with to create their own ethical will have been elders (or "boomers" headed towards elderhood). Among their "hopes and dreams" for future generations that I've heard is for a world that provides loving care for every person throughout their lives -- and, especially, for children and the elderly.
That "hope and dream" came to mind when I found an article on "American Leaders" in U.S. News that featured a doctor who is leading the way to revolutionize the nursing home industry. If you've ever spent time visiting (or working in) any of today's many decades old facilities, I'm sure you'll be pleased to learn about the Eden Alternative and the Green House Project.
Imagine giving every nursing home resident a parakeet, populating the place with dogs and cats, and plowing up the facility's manicured front yard for an organic garden. "Are you nuts?" The results were a 71 % drop in daily drug costs per resident, a 50% decrease in infections, and a 26% drop in nurse's aide turnover! Not so nutty after all!
Here's a link to the article which also describes plans for Eldershire -- a multigenerational "intentional community":
The greening of aging; William Thomas
May you come away from reading the article feeling more hopeful about the future of eldercare ! I certainly did.
That "hope and dream" came to mind when I found an article on "American Leaders" in U.S. News that featured a doctor who is leading the way to revolutionize the nursing home industry. If you've ever spent time visiting (or working in) any of today's many decades old facilities, I'm sure you'll be pleased to learn about the Eden Alternative and the Green House Project.
Imagine giving every nursing home resident a parakeet, populating the place with dogs and cats, and plowing up the facility's manicured front yard for an organic garden. "Are you nuts?" The results were a 71 % drop in daily drug costs per resident, a 50% decrease in infections, and a 26% drop in nurse's aide turnover! Not so nutty after all!
Here's a link to the article which also describes plans for Eldershire -- a multigenerational "intentional community":
The greening of aging; William Thomas
May you come away from reading the article feeling more hopeful about the future of eldercare ! I certainly did.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Celebrating A Life: Going to a "Living Wake"
A week ago on Saturday afternoon, I attended what can best be called a "living wake" for a 95-year old man I've known for over 15 years. The gathering of family and friends was called "A Wake for Jake". It seemed to me while I was there that the occasion had many of the elements of a celebration for sharing an ethical will with your loved ones.
Jake had decided that he wanted a celebration of his life while he was still alive. No need to wait for death to celebrate this man's life! With Jake's attitude about life and way of being in the world, it was just the right thing to be doing for a man who has touched so many people with his presence in their lives.
After some sharing of food and drink as people gathered in a local bookstore Jake loves (even becoming an investor when the independent store was on the verge of closing its doors), a women read some of her favorite "Jake poems" and a couple sang two songs for the special occasion. Then, with two men at his side and cane in hand, Jake slowly made his way up the two steps to the stage. He had been sitting in a recliner next to the stage before the festivities began, having quiet conversations with individuals who came up to greet and speak privately with him.
Once he was settled on the stool on stage and the microphone adjusted for him, Jake expressed his gratitude to everyone who came to celebrate his life and began speaking about what has been most important in his life. In his deep, gravelly voice Jake said that at his age people often asked him, "What's it all about?" He tells them, "Life's a dance. You've been given a birthday gift of a trip on Spaceship Earth. She's a sturdy vessel, but she spins and twists and turns as she makes her way through time and space. What you need most is a sense of balance. When you're up on deck you're expected to join in a dance of contradictions where every action has its opposite and each act's a game of chance. I tell them that I manage to keep my balance by the way I do my dance."
As he continued, Jake spoke of the importance of trusting yourself and speaking from your heart -- of using words with care instead of chattering on to hear your own voice. He spoke of keeping the joy of learning alive in your life . . . of exploring and discovering something new each day . . . of the importance of art and poetry to enrich your life . . . of the "magical" nature of every human being.
Jake talked about the value of playfulness and asked us to remember to play ... to dance and sing to the music that is our lives ... to fully express our unique selves. And he asked us to work for peace by speaking from our heart to people we meet as we travel the world -- letting them know our desire for peace and that the words and actions of our government do not represent the true heart of the American people.
Jake asked his son to come on stage and read a poem from his collection, A Bird in My Mouth: Poems to Wake Up To. I was moved to tears by Jake's heartfelt words of fatherly pride in the life and accomplishments of his son (while sensing some of my own grief over never hearing such words from my father). After hearing Jake's poem, his teenage grandson came on stage and read his own "I am from ..." poem (receiving an enthusiastic response from the audience). Father, son, grandson ... three generations celebrating life together ... sharing words that had both heart and meaning to each other and us all.
What followed was a stream of people from the audience coming to the stage to express their gratitude for a well-loved man who made a difference in their lives. Both women and men, ranging in age from late 30's to late 60's, spoke with their heart's voice about Jake's importance to them and his influence on their "thinking and doing" of their lives.
When I took my turn at the mike, I recalled (with Jake's help since I had earlier spoken privately with him) how we first met at one of the men's gatherings I initiated in 1991. My memory of the gathering was one of feeling incredibly blessed by the presence of a male elder -- a rare "old man" in a group of mostly "mid-life" men.
Jake remembered a large circle of men sitting stoically -- waiting for something to "do" (something we did lots of in those first gatherings!). He finally got up and went to the center of the circle and silently "did his dance" -- crouching to the floor and gathering energy from the earth with his arms, then slowly, slowly moving to a standing position, stretching his arms to the heavens. I don't remember what the rest of us men surrounding him did -- but we most likely "gave him a hand" -- perhaps even a standing ovation!
Jake interjected, telling the celebration audience that he had then suggested that the men split into two groups and go off to separate rooms to "create our own dance" -- and come back together to perform for one another. So we did. And from that night on, many of the men gathered in similar men's circles, men's support groups, and men's gatherings -- becoming part of a "men's movement" that lasted nearly ten years before quietly passing away without a "wake" to celebrate its amazing -- but far too short -- life. (But that's another story for another blog).
I stepped away from the microphone after telling Jake and the audience how blessed I had felt by his presence at that first men's gathering and what a blessing it was to be here to celebrate him today. Later, when the spontaneous sharing by audience members had ended, I went to say "good-bye" to Jake who once again, was relaxing in the recliner next to the stage. We didn't say much ... just exchanged a kiss ... and looked into each other's eyes ... both knowing that this could be our last, living moment together.
Afterwards, as I was thinking about this "living wake" experience and its relevance to sharing an ethical will, I recalled Jake's poem, Dancing My Dilemma, in which he writes a "Chorus":
So let's go / get off the stool!
Do your own creative dance
While you still have the chance
Take your life in your hands
Find the meaning / to your being
And the balance / to your life
With the power and the skill
Of your own / creative will
Trust your heart / and DO YOUR DANCE!
Thank you, dear Jake, for trusting your heart and doing your dance with us on Spaceship Earth!
Jake had decided that he wanted a celebration of his life while he was still alive. No need to wait for death to celebrate this man's life! With Jake's attitude about life and way of being in the world, it was just the right thing to be doing for a man who has touched so many people with his presence in their lives.
After some sharing of food and drink as people gathered in a local bookstore Jake loves (even becoming an investor when the independent store was on the verge of closing its doors), a women read some of her favorite "Jake poems" and a couple sang two songs for the special occasion. Then, with two men at his side and cane in hand, Jake slowly made his way up the two steps to the stage. He had been sitting in a recliner next to the stage before the festivities began, having quiet conversations with individuals who came up to greet and speak privately with him.
Once he was settled on the stool on stage and the microphone adjusted for him, Jake expressed his gratitude to everyone who came to celebrate his life and began speaking about what has been most important in his life. In his deep, gravelly voice Jake said that at his age people often asked him, "What's it all about?" He tells them, "Life's a dance. You've been given a birthday gift of a trip on Spaceship Earth. She's a sturdy vessel, but she spins and twists and turns as she makes her way through time and space. What you need most is a sense of balance. When you're up on deck you're expected to join in a dance of contradictions where every action has its opposite and each act's a game of chance. I tell them that I manage to keep my balance by the way I do my dance."
As he continued, Jake spoke of the importance of trusting yourself and speaking from your heart -- of using words with care instead of chattering on to hear your own voice. He spoke of keeping the joy of learning alive in your life . . . of exploring and discovering something new each day . . . of the importance of art and poetry to enrich your life . . . of the "magical" nature of every human being.
Jake talked about the value of playfulness and asked us to remember to play ... to dance and sing to the music that is our lives ... to fully express our unique selves. And he asked us to work for peace by speaking from our heart to people we meet as we travel the world -- letting them know our desire for peace and that the words and actions of our government do not represent the true heart of the American people.
Jake asked his son to come on stage and read a poem from his collection, A Bird in My Mouth: Poems to Wake Up To. I was moved to tears by Jake's heartfelt words of fatherly pride in the life and accomplishments of his son (while sensing some of my own grief over never hearing such words from my father). After hearing Jake's poem, his teenage grandson came on stage and read his own "I am from ..." poem (receiving an enthusiastic response from the audience). Father, son, grandson ... three generations celebrating life together ... sharing words that had both heart and meaning to each other and us all.
What followed was a stream of people from the audience coming to the stage to express their gratitude for a well-loved man who made a difference in their lives. Both women and men, ranging in age from late 30's to late 60's, spoke with their heart's voice about Jake's importance to them and his influence on their "thinking and doing" of their lives.
When I took my turn at the mike, I recalled (with Jake's help since I had earlier spoken privately with him) how we first met at one of the men's gatherings I initiated in 1991. My memory of the gathering was one of feeling incredibly blessed by the presence of a male elder -- a rare "old man" in a group of mostly "mid-life" men.
Jake remembered a large circle of men sitting stoically -- waiting for something to "do" (something we did lots of in those first gatherings!). He finally got up and went to the center of the circle and silently "did his dance" -- crouching to the floor and gathering energy from the earth with his arms, then slowly, slowly moving to a standing position, stretching his arms to the heavens. I don't remember what the rest of us men surrounding him did -- but we most likely "gave him a hand" -- perhaps even a standing ovation!
Jake interjected, telling the celebration audience that he had then suggested that the men split into two groups and go off to separate rooms to "create our own dance" -- and come back together to perform for one another. So we did. And from that night on, many of the men gathered in similar men's circles, men's support groups, and men's gatherings -- becoming part of a "men's movement" that lasted nearly ten years before quietly passing away without a "wake" to celebrate its amazing -- but far too short -- life. (But that's another story for another blog).
I stepped away from the microphone after telling Jake and the audience how blessed I had felt by his presence at that first men's gathering and what a blessing it was to be here to celebrate him today. Later, when the spontaneous sharing by audience members had ended, I went to say "good-bye" to Jake who once again, was relaxing in the recliner next to the stage. We didn't say much ... just exchanged a kiss ... and looked into each other's eyes ... both knowing that this could be our last, living moment together.
Afterwards, as I was thinking about this "living wake" experience and its relevance to sharing an ethical will, I recalled Jake's poem, Dancing My Dilemma, in which he writes a "Chorus":
So let's go / get off the stool!
Do your own creative dance
While you still have the chance
Take your life in your hands
Find the meaning / to your being
And the balance / to your life
With the power and the skill
Of your own / creative will
Trust your heart / and DO YOUR DANCE!
Thank you, dear Jake, for trusting your heart and doing your dance with us on Spaceship Earth!
Friday, June 09, 2006
Life Tapes & Legacy Videos: "Dignity Therapy"
Yesterday's Oregonian had an excellent article in their "Living"
section on the value of audio and videotaping your personal
legacy for your loved ones and future generations of your family.
The article tells a touching story of a 40-year old mother with a
terminal illness who videotaped the life lessons she wanted to
impart to her 5 and 9 year old daughters. It also describes how
some hospitals, as part of their palliative care for dying patients,
are doing "life tapes" -- recordings of the meaningful aspects of
people's lives.
According to Dr. Harvey Chochinov who was quoted in the article,
"For many dying patients the ability to leave a clear record of
what mattered in life is just as important -- if not more so --
than other aspects of end-of-life care."
Here's a link to the whole article:
"Fond farewell" by Gabrielle Glaser
A sidebar to the story describes Dr. Chochinov's study which
found that dying patients "felt a heightened sense of dignity
and purpose, as well as decreased depression and sense of
suffering" when they could give their relatives transcripts
of extensive conversations they had with therapists who
interviewed them about their lives.
Here's is a link to the sidebar:
"Dignity therapy" by Gabrielle Glaser
While the story focused on people at the end of their lives,
the matter of our personal legacy is "alive" for every one of
us, every day of our lives. Death is always just one last heart
beat away, one last breath away.
Doing an ethical will in written, audio and/or videotaped form
-- and sharing it with your loves ones -- offers many of the same
"dignity and purpose" outcomes as an ethical will.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Writing Your Epitaph for An Ethical Will
In the last paragraph of Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, Dr. Gordon Livingston suggests that every written will should include one's personal "epitaph". I think writing your own epitaph is an especially worthwhile endeavor as you create an ethical will.
If you'd like to include your epitaph in your ethical will (and/or your legal will), complete this statement:
"I would like my epitaph to be ....."
It may come to you instantly ... or take days (or weeks!) of pondering. I recall doing this exercise back in the 1990's in combination with writing my own obituary and planning my life celebration -- all of which are helpful for contemplating one's mortality and uncovering fears of death that inhibit living your life fully.
At the end of his book, Dr. Livingston shared his own epitaph which, much to my surprise, was the same epitaph I had chosen for myself nearly ten years ago. From the words of Raymond Carver in his collection of poems, A New Path to the Waterfall:
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
If you'd like to include your epitaph in your ethical will (and/or your legal will), complete this statement:
"I would like my epitaph to be ....."
It may come to you instantly ... or take days (or weeks!) of pondering. I recall doing this exercise back in the 1990's in combination with writing my own obituary and planning my life celebration -- all of which are helpful for contemplating one's mortality and uncovering fears of death that inhibit living your life fully.
At the end of his book, Dr. Livingston shared his own epitaph which, much to my surprise, was the same epitaph I had chosen for myself nearly ten years ago. From the words of Raymond Carver in his collection of poems, A New Path to the Waterfall:
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
Monday, May 29, 2006
The Gift of Forgiveness
Yesterday I finished reading Gordon Livingston's book, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now. Having previously read his second book (see my April archived post titled "Most People Die With Their Music Still Inside Them"), I once again enjoyed the wisdom Dr. Livingston shares from his lifetime of experience as a man, father, and psychiatrist. Among his 30 truths are: We are what we do. Any relationship is under control of the person who cares the least. Only bad things happen quickly. Nobody likes to be told what to do. Love is never lost, not even in death.
The last chapter of the book -- Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing -- offers some insights that are instructive for creating an ethical will. An ethical will can provide a loving way to express forgiveness to people who may have harmed us at some point in our lives as well as give us an opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those we may have harmed. Ideally, forgiveness doesn't have to wait for your ethical will. But, if you've waited, I encourage you to consider what may need forgiving or forgiveness in your life today.
Dr. Livingston says:
"Certainly it is true that understanding who we are depends on paying attention to the history of our lives. This is why any useful psychotherapy included telling this story. Somewhere between ignoring the past and wallowing in it there is a place where we can learn from what has happened to us, including the inevitable mistakes we have made, and integrate this knowledge into our plans for the future. Inevitably, this process requires some exercises in forgiveness -- that is, giving up some grievance to which we are entitled.
Widely confused with forgetting or reconciliation, forgiveness is neither. It is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves. It exists, as does all true healing, at the intersection of love and justice."
He goes on to say that "Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender. And it often seems impossible until the moment we do it."
In my own case, a troubled relationship with my father -- my tightly-held anger at his abuse and neglect in my childhood -- lasted far too many years of our lives, keeping both of us from healing. Ironically, our relationship taught me forgiveness in the deepest of ways. And, thankfully, I was blessed with the gift of forgiveness before he drifted into dementia in his early 70's. It made it possible for me love him -- to say "I love you" to him -- before the days in which he showed no sign of knowing who I was and why I was there, holding him in my arms as tears flowed from his sky-blue eyes ... and mine.
The last chapter of the book -- Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing -- offers some insights that are instructive for creating an ethical will. An ethical will can provide a loving way to express forgiveness to people who may have harmed us at some point in our lives as well as give us an opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those we may have harmed. Ideally, forgiveness doesn't have to wait for your ethical will. But, if you've waited, I encourage you to consider what may need forgiving or forgiveness in your life today.
Dr. Livingston says:
"Certainly it is true that understanding who we are depends on paying attention to the history of our lives. This is why any useful psychotherapy included telling this story. Somewhere between ignoring the past and wallowing in it there is a place where we can learn from what has happened to us, including the inevitable mistakes we have made, and integrate this knowledge into our plans for the future. Inevitably, this process requires some exercises in forgiveness -- that is, giving up some grievance to which we are entitled.
Widely confused with forgetting or reconciliation, forgiveness is neither. It is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves. It exists, as does all true healing, at the intersection of love and justice."
He goes on to say that "Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go, the simplest and most difficult of all human endeavors. It is simultaneously an act of will and of surrender. And it often seems impossible until the moment we do it."
In my own case, a troubled relationship with my father -- my tightly-held anger at his abuse and neglect in my childhood -- lasted far too many years of our lives, keeping both of us from healing. Ironically, our relationship taught me forgiveness in the deepest of ways. And, thankfully, I was blessed with the gift of forgiveness before he drifted into dementia in his early 70's. It made it possible for me love him -- to say "I love you" to him -- before the days in which he showed no sign of knowing who I was and why I was there, holding him in my arms as tears flowed from his sky-blue eyes ... and mine.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Spiritual Will & Ethical Will: Are They Different?
An ethical will has sometimes been called a "spiritual-ethical" will because it often has content which focuses on both your values and your life spirit. In my legacy work, I make a distinction between an "ethical" will and a "spiritual" will when a person intends to make the central focus of the document their journey of faith or religious journey rather than primarily focusing on their values and life lessons.
If you'd like to write a "spiritual will", I suggest you start with the questions that Kathleen Dowling Singh -- author of the superb book The Grace in Dying -- offered in her PBS interview with Bill Moyers in his series, "On Your Own Terms". Here's a link to an article based on their interview:
Taking A Spiritual Inventory
While some of the questions in this "spiritual inventory" could also be used in an ethical will, I think many of them allow you to go to a deeper level -- to the essence of your life spirit.
Another source for starting a spiritual will is Ten Eternal Questions by Zoe Sallis. She offers these 10 questions for your consideration (and provides answers from people like Nelson Mandela, The Dalai Lama, and many others who she interviewed for the book):
1. What is your concept of God?
2. Do you think this life is all there is, or do you believe in an afterlife?
3. Do you accept the concept of karma, in the sense of cause and effect?
4. What is you moral code, in relation to right and wrong?
5. Do you believe you have a destiny, and do you see yourself as here to fulfill it?
6. What has life taught you so far?
7. What advice or words of wisdom would you life to pass on to those close to you?
8. Do you believe our survival on planet Earth is being threatened?
9. Who do you most admire in this world, historical or living?
10. How do you find peace within yourself?
I would include questions 6, 7, and 9 in writing an ethical will while the others I consider more helpful for a spiritual will.
So are a "spiritual will" and an "ethical will" any different? Is making a distinction important or not? Perhaps, only in the mind of the writer (only this writer?) ... or the reader. Let me know what you think (click on "comments" below).
If you'd like to write a "spiritual will", I suggest you start with the questions that Kathleen Dowling Singh -- author of the superb book The Grace in Dying -- offered in her PBS interview with Bill Moyers in his series, "On Your Own Terms". Here's a link to an article based on their interview:
Taking A Spiritual Inventory
While some of the questions in this "spiritual inventory" could also be used in an ethical will, I think many of them allow you to go to a deeper level -- to the essence of your life spirit.
Another source for starting a spiritual will is Ten Eternal Questions by Zoe Sallis. She offers these 10 questions for your consideration (and provides answers from people like Nelson Mandela, The Dalai Lama, and many others who she interviewed for the book):
1. What is your concept of God?
2. Do you think this life is all there is, or do you believe in an afterlife?
3. Do you accept the concept of karma, in the sense of cause and effect?
4. What is you moral code, in relation to right and wrong?
5. Do you believe you have a destiny, and do you see yourself as here to fulfill it?
6. What has life taught you so far?
7. What advice or words of wisdom would you life to pass on to those close to you?
8. Do you believe our survival on planet Earth is being threatened?
9. Who do you most admire in this world, historical or living?
10. How do you find peace within yourself?
I would include questions 6, 7, and 9 in writing an ethical will while the others I consider more helpful for a spiritual will.
So are a "spiritual will" and an "ethical will" any different? Is making a distinction important or not? Perhaps, only in the mind of the writer (only this writer?) ... or the reader. Let me know what you think (click on "comments" below).
Friday, May 19, 2006
Op-Ed Commentary in The Oregonian
Along with helping people create ethical wills, I've done community talks on the importance of completing advance directives for health care (often called "living wills"). An advance directive gives your family a gift of knowing your wishes for health care if you are close to death and cannot speak for yourself.
As a hospice volunteer and member of Partner's to Improve End-of-Life Care -- a non-profit community coalition (www.seriousillness.org/lane) -- I've also occasionally written editorial commentaries encouraging people to complete their advance directives. I submit the commentaries for publication in our local newspapers and The Oregonian in Portland which has a statewide readership.
I was pleased to learn that The Oregonian published my Op-Ed Commentary (May 15) about Terri Schiavo's legacy. You can read it at:
END-OF-LIFE CARE
In early May, The Register-Guard in Eugene published a similar version of the commentary.
Hopefully, many readers of these newspapers and their on-line websites will take action and complete their advance directives.
Your advance directive, combined with your ethical will and legal will, provide a clear picture of your health care wishes, your values, and your material assets. I encourage you to complete all three documents. Give yourself and your loved ones these "gifts of a lifetime."
As a hospice volunteer and member of Partner's to Improve End-of-Life Care -- a non-profit community coalition (www.seriousillness.org/lane) -- I've also occasionally written editorial commentaries encouraging people to complete their advance directives. I submit the commentaries for publication in our local newspapers and The Oregonian in Portland which has a statewide readership.
I was pleased to learn that The Oregonian published my Op-Ed Commentary (May 15) about Terri Schiavo's legacy. You can read it at:
END-OF-LIFE CARE
In early May, The Register-Guard in Eugene published a similar version of the commentary.
Hopefully, many readers of these newspapers and their on-line websites will take action and complete their advance directives.
Your advance directive, combined with your ethical will and legal will, provide a clear picture of your health care wishes, your values, and your material assets. I encourage you to complete all three documents. Give yourself and your loved ones these "gifts of a lifetime."
Friday, May 12, 2006
Finding Your Voice (Mary Pipher)
One of my favorite non-fiction writers is therapist Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, Another Country, and The Shadow of Each Other. I was pleased to learn about her new book, Writing to Change The World, which I began reading this week.
In Pipher's chapter titled "What You Alone Can Say", she writes about finding your voice -- a subject I've commented about in regard to the importance of writing ("speaking") in your own voice in your ethical will. Mary writes that:
"Voice is everything we are, all that we have observed, the emotional chords that are uniquely ours -- all our flaws and all of our strengths, expressed in words that best reflect us. Voice is like a snowflake -- complicated, beautiful, and individual. It is essence of self, distilled and offered in service to the world."
Pipher goes on to say, "By diving into the experience of writing, you will learn what you truly think and who you really are. Your self-exploration is a way to pay attention to the work, within yourself and outside yourself, and to experience that Allen Ginsberg called 'surprise mind'. Try answering these questions on paper:
What makes you laugh, cry, and open your heart?
What points do you repeatedly make to those you love?
What topics keep you up at night, or help you fall asleep?
What do you know to be true?
What do you consider to be evil?
What is beautiful to you?
What do you most respect in others?
What excites your curiosity?
If you were the ruler of the world, what would you do first?
What do you want to accomplish before you die?"
What great questions to ask yourself in writing your ethical will (or a poem ... or song ... or a blog!)!
I'm going to add many of these questions to the "reflections exercises" I offer in my ethical will classes and write my own answers to all of them. I invite you to do the same ... and would love to hear how they helped you "find your voice".
Thank you, Mary Pipher, for your insights and for all the "writing to change the world" that you have done over the years!
In Pipher's chapter titled "What You Alone Can Say", she writes about finding your voice -- a subject I've commented about in regard to the importance of writing ("speaking") in your own voice in your ethical will. Mary writes that:
"Voice is everything we are, all that we have observed, the emotional chords that are uniquely ours -- all our flaws and all of our strengths, expressed in words that best reflect us. Voice is like a snowflake -- complicated, beautiful, and individual. It is essence of self, distilled and offered in service to the world."
Pipher goes on to say, "By diving into the experience of writing, you will learn what you truly think and who you really are. Your self-exploration is a way to pay attention to the work, within yourself and outside yourself, and to experience that Allen Ginsberg called 'surprise mind'. Try answering these questions on paper:
What makes you laugh, cry, and open your heart?
What points do you repeatedly make to those you love?
What topics keep you up at night, or help you fall asleep?
What do you know to be true?
What do you consider to be evil?
What is beautiful to you?
What do you most respect in others?
What excites your curiosity?
If you were the ruler of the world, what would you do first?
What do you want to accomplish before you die?"
What great questions to ask yourself in writing your ethical will (or a poem ... or song ... or a blog!)!
I'm going to add many of these questions to the "reflections exercises" I offer in my ethical will classes and write my own answers to all of them. I invite you to do the same ... and would love to hear how they helped you "find your voice".
Thank you, Mary Pipher, for your insights and for all the "writing to change the world" that you have done over the years!
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Topic Outlines for An Ethical Will
If you're ready and willing to get started on your ethical will, here are two possible outlines for your use in organizing your writing (or taping an "interview" with yourself). Use them if you’d like, making additions and changes as desired, or create your own version.
ETHICAL WILL OUTLINE - Option 1
A. OPENING THOUGHTS & PURPOSE
State who you are addressing and what you hope to share in your ethical will.
B. YOUR VALUES
Identify what has mattered most – what you’ve have stood for – in your life.
What did you devote most of your time to? For what reasons?
C. LIFE EXPERIENCES & LESSONS LEARNED
Describe important life experiences and what you learned from them.
Who were the most important people and how did they influence you?
Share about your name(s) and tell your story about growing up. Tell the stories that your grandparents told you (and what they told you about their ancestors).
Describe memorable family and worklife experiences and what they meant to you.
D. YOUR BELIEFS
Share your spiritual beliefs and the faith that guided and sustained you during the “ups and downs” of your life.
E. LOVE & FORGIVENESS
Express your love to people you care about, ask for forgiveness if you have any regrets, and forgive those who may have hurt you.
F. HOPES FOR THE FUTURE
Share your dreams and wishes for your family members, friends, and community.
Offer your personal “words of wisdom” and guidance for the lives of loved ones.
G. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Express your gratitude to people who have loved and supported you on your life journey.
Give thanks for your life and bless those who follow in future generations.
ETHICAL WILL OUTLINE - Option 2
1. OPENING THOUGHTS & PURPOSE
State who you are addressing and what you hope to share in your ethical will.
2.THE PAST
Share about your name(s) and legacies you’ve received.
Tell ancestral stories that were told to you.
Share your own family stories that you’d like people to remember.
Include any photos and/or other remembrances from the past.
3. THE PRESENT
Share your values -- what has mattered most – what you’ve have stood for – in your life.
What did you devote most of your time to? For what reasons?
Describe important life experiences and what you learned from them.
Who were the most important people and how did they influence you?
Share your spiritual beliefs and the faith that guided and sustained you during the “ups and downs” of your life.
Include any photos and/or other remembrances from the present.
4. THE FUTURE
Express your love to people you care about, ask for forgiveness if you have any regrets, and forgive those who may have hurt you.
Share your dreams and wishes for your family members, friends, and community.
Offer your personal “words of wisdom” and guidance for the lives of loved ones.
Bless those who follow you in future generations of your family.
5. CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
Express your gratitude to people who have loved and supported you on your life journey.
Give thanks for your life.
Whichever outline or elements of the suggested outlines you decide to use, remember that your ethical will is a personal expression of your heart ... your personal legacy of the life you've lived. So be sure that it “speaks” in your unique voice and that its content represents what has been most important in your life. Think of your ethical will as a heartfelt gift that you’re giving to future generations of your family, friends, and community.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Examples of Ethical Wills
In our talks and classes, I encourage people to create an ethical will that best represents who they are, speaks in their unique voice, and employs a format that works comfortably for them -- either writing the document, audiotaping it, or videotaping for viewing by others. Audio and video versions should be transcribed to create a written document which can be more easily preserved (who knows what the next technology will be -- and whether our generation's old audio/videotapes will be able to be played in 2050? Remember the Beta vs. VHS format "battle"! Anyone seen a Beta videotape player lately?).
Participants often ask to see samples of documents others have created. I provide a couple of one to two page ethical wills and refer people to the many samples available on Barry Baines website, www.ethicalwill.com (see "Links"). A variety of documents done by people of different ages and life situations is provided at:
Examples of Ethical Wills
I also plan to provide "excerpts" from ethical wills done by people who previously took our class as well as some excerpts from my own document (which I'll share in a blog posting someday soon).
In my view, the most important thing is that people use their own creativity to envision an ethical will which genuinely represents their life spirit in both format and content. Some people incorporate photos of family, friends, mentors, and others who have influenced their life. Others include drawings or artwork they have created and clippings of old newspaper articles about them or major life-transforming events in their life. Or, they write a brief one-page "love letter" that blesses their family members and future generations.
It's your choice ... it's your life journey... it's your ethical will. And remember, the document can be changed and updated whenever you like ... and shared with loved ones now or later (but hopefully, before you've passed from this earth!).
Participants often ask to see samples of documents others have created. I provide a couple of one to two page ethical wills and refer people to the many samples available on Barry Baines website, www.ethicalwill.com (see "Links"). A variety of documents done by people of different ages and life situations is provided at:
Examples of Ethical Wills
I also plan to provide "excerpts" from ethical wills done by people who previously took our class as well as some excerpts from my own document (which I'll share in a blog posting someday soon).
In my view, the most important thing is that people use their own creativity to envision an ethical will which genuinely represents their life spirit in both format and content. Some people incorporate photos of family, friends, mentors, and others who have influenced their life. Others include drawings or artwork they have created and clippings of old newspaper articles about them or major life-transforming events in their life. Or, they write a brief one-page "love letter" that blesses their family members and future generations.
It's your choice ... it's your life journey... it's your ethical will. And remember, the document can be changed and updated whenever you like ... and shared with loved ones now or later (but hopefully, before you've passed from this earth!).
Friday, May 05, 2006
Healthy Aging & Ethical Wills
I was pleased to read what Andrew Weil, M.D. had to say about ethical wills in his latest book, Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide for Your Physical and Spiritual Well-Being:
"I can think of no better way to end this book than to recommend that you undertake the composition of an ethical will. No matter how old you are, it can be an exercise that will make you take stock of your life experience and distill from it the values and wisdom you have gained. You can then put the document aside, read it over as the years pass, and revise it from time to time as you see fit. Certainly, an ethical will can be a wonderful gift to leave your family at the end of your life, but I think its main importance is what it can give you in the midst of life."
He goes on to say in his "Twelve-Point Program for Healthy Aging" on the last page of his book:
"12. Keep an ongoing record of the lessons you learn, the wisdom you gain, and the values you hold. At critical points in your life, read this over, add to it, revise it, and share it with people you care about."
As a popular author, Dr. Weil's words of wisdom will be widely read and, I hope, will encourage more people to get started on an ethical will of their own.
"I can think of no better way to end this book than to recommend that you undertake the composition of an ethical will. No matter how old you are, it can be an exercise that will make you take stock of your life experience and distill from it the values and wisdom you have gained. You can then put the document aside, read it over as the years pass, and revise it from time to time as you see fit. Certainly, an ethical will can be a wonderful gift to leave your family at the end of your life, but I think its main importance is what it can give you in the midst of life."
He goes on to say in his "Twelve-Point Program for Healthy Aging" on the last page of his book:
"12. Keep an ongoing record of the lessons you learn, the wisdom you gain, and the values you hold. At critical points in your life, read this over, add to it, revise it, and share it with people you care about."
As a popular author, Dr. Weil's words of wisdom will be widely read and, I hope, will encourage more people to get started on an ethical will of their own.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Grandbob's Letter on Grandbaby Wisdom
Today's column by Bob Welch in our local newspaper was a great example of a "love letter" to the next generation of his family -- beautifully expressing the life learnings of a grandfather (and the wisdom of his grandchild!). I wrote to Bob and told him that he's made a great start on his own ethical will -- whether he knew it or not! Thank you Grandbob and Grandbaby Cade for sharing these "Elite Eight" teachable moments of your relationship!
Read Bob Welch's column at:
The Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon, USA
Read Bob Welch's column at:
The Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon, USA
Monday, May 01, 2006
"Mapping My Exit"
Last Sunday, I was invited to a local church to speak about ethical wills to a group of people who were taking their "Mapping My Exit" workshop. Started six years ago, the workshop consists of three, 2-hour sessions to help people get started with planning and expressing their final wishes. Speakers come to talk about legal, health care, financial, funeral, and other matters.
The workshop participants receive an excellent workbook that provides, in one place, all the necessary information that a family or personal representative needs to carry out one's wishes at the end-of-life. Just gather important information and fill-in the blanks on forms provided. What a gift of preplanning for the loved ones you leave behind!
In the midst of my talk, I always include a "reflections exercise" to give people a "living" experience of what it's like to do an ethical will. After taking time to reflect on a question, I ask people to share the thoughts that came to their mind with another person. Of course, the room always starts buzzing with the energy of lively conversation (which I'm reluctant to stop when "time is up" because people are enjoying their telling and listening so much!).
At this talk, I noticed a man in the front row who didn't have a partner to dialogue with -- so I sat down across from him and asked about what he had thought about. His response went something like this: "I've been blessed with 63 years of marriage, a great family, and work I enjoyed. God gave me an ability to teach and I've influenced the lives of thousands of people." I asked him how old he was. "87", he said.
"What about your health?," I inquired. "Relatively good," he said. "I lost an eye years ago. Of course, I asked the usual 'why me?' questions. But, looking back, it didn't really affect my life that much. I was able to serve in the military and teach for years. A few years ago though, I had a problem with my 'good' eye and was blind for four days. When I couldn't see anything and lay there wondering if I'd ever see again, poems started coming to me in the midst of the 'blackness'. And, you know, when my sight returned, I wrote those poems down. And I've continued writing poems. I just wrote one today. Now I have over 200 of them", he said, with a smile and twinkle in his eyes. What a wonderful personal legacy to share with future generations of his family!
The workshop participants receive an excellent workbook that provides, in one place, all the necessary information that a family or personal representative needs to carry out one's wishes at the end-of-life. Just gather important information and fill-in the blanks on forms provided. What a gift of preplanning for the loved ones you leave behind!
In the midst of my talk, I always include a "reflections exercise" to give people a "living" experience of what it's like to do an ethical will. After taking time to reflect on a question, I ask people to share the thoughts that came to their mind with another person. Of course, the room always starts buzzing with the energy of lively conversation (which I'm reluctant to stop when "time is up" because people are enjoying their telling and listening so much!).
At this talk, I noticed a man in the front row who didn't have a partner to dialogue with -- so I sat down across from him and asked about what he had thought about. His response went something like this: "I've been blessed with 63 years of marriage, a great family, and work I enjoyed. God gave me an ability to teach and I've influenced the lives of thousands of people." I asked him how old he was. "87", he said.
"What about your health?," I inquired. "Relatively good," he said. "I lost an eye years ago. Of course, I asked the usual 'why me?' questions. But, looking back, it didn't really affect my life that much. I was able to serve in the military and teach for years. A few years ago though, I had a problem with my 'good' eye and was blind for four days. When I couldn't see anything and lay there wondering if I'd ever see again, poems started coming to me in the midst of the 'blackness'. And, you know, when my sight returned, I wrote those poems down. And I've continued writing poems. I just wrote one today. Now I have over 200 of them", he said, with a smile and twinkle in his eyes. What a wonderful personal legacy to share with future generations of his family!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Seven Questions to Reflect On
Among the many possible questions you may want to use to start creating your ethical will are:
1. Who influenced you most in your life and what did you learn from them that affected the way you've lived?
2. Describe the most important experiences of your life. What did they teach you?
3. What was the happiest time of your life? The saddest time?
4. What spiritual beliefs have guided and sustained you?
5. Describe the family stories you'd like people to remember. What meaning do they have for you?
6. What are you most proud of? Any regrets?
7. What do you wish you had learned earlier in life?
Pondering these questions could take days or months. But the most important decision is to get started with just one. Add "ethical will" time to your calendar (at least 2 hours to start). Then find a comfortable place to write. I prefer my comfy forest green recliner at home (alone) and some classical music in the background. I've also done some writing in a busy coffee shop with lots of distractions in the background. Whatever works for you!
I like writing longhand with my favorite pen in a "college-ruled 1 subject" notebook. Somehow, writing about personal experiences works best for me when my hand is moving (and not just my fingertips "tap-tapping" on my laptop). I think it was Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones who first clued me in to the idea of the heart-mind-body connection in the writing process. Thank you, Natalie, wherever you are!
So, if you're ready and willing, start with the one question that appeals to you most. Close your eyes and breathe, three long slow deep breaths. Then breathe normally for awhile as you consider the question. Open your eyes and write without stopping for as long as it takes to get what you want to say down on paper (or into your computer). Forget about editing for now. Just write. Enjoy the process. And be surprised by your memories, life learnings, and wisdom!
1. Who influenced you most in your life and what did you learn from them that affected the way you've lived?
2. Describe the most important experiences of your life. What did they teach you?
3. What was the happiest time of your life? The saddest time?
4. What spiritual beliefs have guided and sustained you?
5. Describe the family stories you'd like people to remember. What meaning do they have for you?
6. What are you most proud of? Any regrets?
7. What do you wish you had learned earlier in life?
Pondering these questions could take days or months. But the most important decision is to get started with just one. Add "ethical will" time to your calendar (at least 2 hours to start). Then find a comfortable place to write. I prefer my comfy forest green recliner at home (alone) and some classical music in the background. I've also done some writing in a busy coffee shop with lots of distractions in the background. Whatever works for you!
I like writing longhand with my favorite pen in a "college-ruled 1 subject" notebook. Somehow, writing about personal experiences works best for me when my hand is moving (and not just my fingertips "tap-tapping" on my laptop). I think it was Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones who first clued me in to the idea of the heart-mind-body connection in the writing process. Thank you, Natalie, wherever you are!
So, if you're ready and willing, start with the one question that appeals to you most. Close your eyes and breathe, three long slow deep breaths. Then breathe normally for awhile as you consider the question. Open your eyes and write without stopping for as long as it takes to get what you want to say down on paper (or into your computer). Forget about editing for now. Just write. Enjoy the process. And be surprised by your memories, life learnings, and wisdom!
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