Last week, I finished reading Byron Katie's latest book, A Thousand Names for Joy, which she co-authored with Stephen Mitchell. Katie is best known for her process of self-inquiry which she calls "The Work", described in her popular book Loving What Is.
When I met Katie a few years ago at a book-signing and demonstration of her work, I felt a sense of joy in her presence and respect for how she worked with people. And I recall having wished that I had known the profound wisdom in her inquiry process during the many years I worked as a counselor with individuals and couples (not to mention for my own emotional healing earlier in my life!).
Her new book focuses on Byron Katie's response to the Tao Te Ching, the great Chinese classic book of wisdom translated so beautifully by Stephen Mitchell in the late 1980's. Each of the 81 brief chapters contains her insights about a statement from the Tao. Also included are three longer dialogue sections illustrating the inquiry process of The Work.
Among the "pearls" in her book are many about our thoughts:
"Every thought is already over. That's grace. No thought: no problem. It's not possible to have a problem without believing a prior thought. To notice this simple truth is the beginning of peace."
"You can't let go of a stressful thought, because you didn't create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You're not doing it. You can't let go of what you have no control over. Once you've questioned the thought, you don't let go of it, it lets go of you. It no longer means what you thought it meant. The world changes, because the mind that projected it has changed. Your whole life changes, and you don't even care, because you realize that you already have everything you need."
"Generosity is our very nature, and when we try to pretend otherwise, when we hold back or give with a motive, it hurts. A motive is just an unquestioned thought. On the other side of our thinking, generosity naturally appears. There's nothing we need to do to achieve it. It's simply what we are."
While I don't intend to make this a book review or treatise on The Work, I'd encourage everyone to use Katie's process to end emotional suffering in their lives by questioning the thoughts that create it. Her four questions and "turnaround" -- a way to experience the opposite of what you believe -- look simple, but they're the most powerful way I've found for dealing with any stressful thoughts. Whenever a thought upsets you, take time to ask:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Detailed instructions for the process are included in the Appendix of Katie's book or on her website, www.thework.com. I encourage you to try it the next time you're upset about what someone says or does ... or you have troubled thoughts about your life, your relationships, your work, or our country's wars "on terror", "on drugs", "on Iraq". The Work really works!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Learnings from Pediatric Palliative Care: Life Legacy Questions
At our quarterly Partners to Improve End-of-Life Care meeting this month, I learned about the palliative care and hospice program available for children in our community. Called "Little Stars", it serves children with life-threatening illnesses, focusing on care that enhances quality of life for the child and their family from the point of diagnosis through bereavement.
Like palliative care and hospice for adults, pediatric palliative care is delivered by an interdisciplinary team that addresses the physical, emotional, social, cultural, and spiritual healing of the child. It can be provided concurrent with life-prolonging care or as a main focus of care -- neither hastening nor postponing death. This type of care assists the child and family in making decisions about care during whatever remaining time they may have.
One of the handouts provided by the presenter offered a list of "questions to ask children and families to elicit palliative care goals" (from The Hospice of Florida Suncoast). Among the 20 questions were several that I thought were appropriate for use in creating an ethical or spiritual will (some of which I've edited slightly):
While hospice care is covered by Medicare and most other insurance today, unfortunately, palliative care for both children and adults remains mostly "not covered" by insurers in the U.S. Some states have made progress in getting palliative care coverage for people but funding of these vital health care programs remain unresolved.
For more information on "Palliative Care for Children" an abstract and article is available from the journal, Pediatrics. My hope is that palliative care will become an essential (and funded!) part of our health care system in the future.
Like palliative care and hospice for adults, pediatric palliative care is delivered by an interdisciplinary team that addresses the physical, emotional, social, cultural, and spiritual healing of the child. It can be provided concurrent with life-prolonging care or as a main focus of care -- neither hastening nor postponing death. This type of care assists the child and family in making decisions about care during whatever remaining time they may have.
One of the handouts provided by the presenter offered a list of "questions to ask children and families to elicit palliative care goals" (from The Hospice of Florida Suncoast). Among the 20 questions were several that I thought were appropriate for use in creating an ethical or spiritual will (some of which I've edited slightly):
- What are the most important relationships in your life?
- What is most important to your family?
- What are things that bring you joy and comfort?
- What are you proud of? What are your greatest achievements?
- What do you want to accomplish or do?
- What activities such as music, art, reading, massage, or touch provide peace or comfort to you?
- What do you wish you could still do?
- What spiritual or religious practices bring you comfort?
- What are you hopeful about?
- What are your concerns for the future?
- How and where do you want to live for the rest of your life?
- Is spiritual peace important to you? What would help you achieve spiritual peace?
While hospice care is covered by Medicare and most other insurance today, unfortunately, palliative care for both children and adults remains mostly "not covered" by insurers in the U.S. Some states have made progress in getting palliative care coverage for people but funding of these vital health care programs remain unresolved.
For more information on "Palliative Care for Children" an abstract and article is available from the journal, Pediatrics. My hope is that palliative care will become an essential (and funded!) part of our health care system in the future.
Friday, March 09, 2007
A Mother's Gift: A Cherished Cassette
Among the many blessings I receive from giving public talks about life legacies is the stories people tell me about their own family legacy experiences. Yesterday, after speaking on a panel of people who work with seniors in our community, a woman came up to me and shared a wonderful story about her mother.
She told me that her mother had made a cassette tape of songs she had created as she drove long-haul eighteen wheelers across the country. The cassette was a most cherished "legacy" that her daughter often listened to, especially at times when she felt like her memory of her mother's voice was fading. As she shared the titles of her mother's songs -- "Trucking with Grandma", "Bright Eyes" and others, her eye's teared up as she spoke.
She told me that, at the age of 50, her mother had gone to trucking school so she could drive eighteen-wheelers with her husband. "Being left at home after being newly married was not part of the deal!", her mother had said to her new husband. So, without hesitation she had packed up and moved across the country to go to school and begin her new career. Then for over 15 years, as a truck-driving couple, they traveled through every state in the U.S. and Canada before retiring. She loved her life on the road!
After her mother's death from cancer in her mid-70's, her daughter had CD's of the cassette made for other members of her family -- all of her brothers and sisters (seven of them) -- who loved being able to hear their mother's voice again (listening to her "songs from the road" . . . a mother's lasting gift to her children).
Have you recorded or videotaped yourself telling stories about your life . . . telling stories about ancestors that you're the last one in your family to remember . . . reciting your favorite poems . . . or singing your own songs? Chances are, whatever you choose to do, that tape will become your loved ones' most cherished legacies of your life after you're gone.
She told me that her mother had made a cassette tape of songs she had created as she drove long-haul eighteen wheelers across the country. The cassette was a most cherished "legacy" that her daughter often listened to, especially at times when she felt like her memory of her mother's voice was fading. As she shared the titles of her mother's songs -- "Trucking with Grandma", "Bright Eyes" and others, her eye's teared up as she spoke.
She told me that, at the age of 50, her mother had gone to trucking school so she could drive eighteen-wheelers with her husband. "Being left at home after being newly married was not part of the deal!", her mother had said to her new husband. So, without hesitation she had packed up and moved across the country to go to school and begin her new career. Then for over 15 years, as a truck-driving couple, they traveled through every state in the U.S. and Canada before retiring. She loved her life on the road!
After her mother's death from cancer in her mid-70's, her daughter had CD's of the cassette made for other members of her family -- all of her brothers and sisters (seven of them) -- who loved being able to hear their mother's voice again (listening to her "songs from the road" . . . a mother's lasting gift to her children).
Have you recorded or videotaped yourself telling stories about your life . . . telling stories about ancestors that you're the last one in your family to remember . . . reciting your favorite poems . . . or singing your own songs? Chances are, whatever you choose to do, that tape will become your loved ones' most cherished legacies of your life after you're gone.
Friday, March 02, 2007
The Way I See It # 83: A Woman's Truth
The Oregonian had a front page story this week (February 28, 2007) that featured the wisdom of a 38-year old woman -- Tiana Tozer -- who wrote the following words in response to how people look at her in her wheelchair.
The Way I See It # 83
They told you that beauty is in the
eye of the beholder. What they
failed to tell you is that it is best
seen with the eyes closed. What
you look like isn't important. What
is important is who you are inside
and the choices you are making in
your life.
They told you that beauty is in the
eye of the beholder. What they
failed to tell you is that it is best
seen with the eyes closed. What
you look like isn't important. What
is important is who you are inside
and the choices you are making in
your life.
Her words appear on the side of a Starbucks coffee cup! Tom Hallman Jr., the reporter who wrote the story about Tiana began the article by saying, "A girl raised in a culture that idolizes Britney, Paris and Lindsay wouldn't understand the quote. Sure, it's a bit cliche, a cousin to an old chestnut that everyone spouts but few girls believe. But if a girl's lucky, a woman will explain the truth behind the 51 words on the side of the cardboard coffee cup."
Great message. Great story (sorry I couldn't find a link to it for you). What it says to me about life legacies is summed up in Tiana's truth -- "what is important is who you are inside and the choices you are making in your life." I hope that is a message that my granddaughter, grandson, and sons will take into their hearts ... and live throughout their lives.
Great message. Great story (sorry I couldn't find a link to it for you). What it says to me about life legacies is summed up in Tiana's truth -- "what is important is who you are inside and the choices you are making in your life." I hope that is a message that my granddaughter, grandson, and sons will take into their hearts ... and live throughout their lives.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Seven Questions to Explore in Your Ethical Will: "Who am I?"
I'm always looking for new questions for people to use for self-exploration in my classes on creating ethical or spiritual wills. In reading Deepak Chopra's new book, Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, I found seven questions he poses are necessary for knowing "Who am I?":
1. What is your story? Your story is more than just a list of the events in your life. It's about your self-image, how you see yourself, what shaped your mind, which memories imprinted themselves on you. Taken altogether, your story tells you where you are in the cycle of life.
2. What are your expectations? Expectations are seeds. Once planted, they manifest into those things we gain from life, or lose. When you become aware of your own expectations, you discover the unspoken limits you have set on yourself. There is a huge difference between those who expect great things and those who don't.
3. What is your purpose? This is the meaning you are trying to find. Purpose runs deeper than the superficial things we hope to get, which mostly center on money, possessions, status, and comfort. If you know your purpose, you know the deeper project to which your life is dedicated.
4. What is your destination? This is about fulfillment. Human goals are endless; they unfold, not like a road that has an end but like a river that flows to join the sea, merging with ever larger possibilities. If you know your destination, you can envision your highest fulfillment.
5. What is your path? Having identified your purpose and your destination, there must be a way to get there. "Path" has been adopted as a spiritual term, but in fact everyone, spiritual or not, follows certain ways to get where they want to go.
6. Who are your adversaries? Forward motion is never without obstacles. On your path you will find yourself blocked. At times the adversary is external, but if you examine yourself deeply, you will find it is always internal as well.
7. Who are your allies? We all bring others with us on our journey. Just as your adversaries did, you may identify these allies as external, but they only reflect your own inner strength, just as an opponent reflects your inner vulnerability."
Chopra goes on to say that "what we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. And that's enough. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person."
What choices have you made in your life that have shaped the "raw clay" to become the person you are? Who are you making as a result of your life choices?
I encourage you to answer the "Seven Questions" and, if you're interested in how scientific discoveries and the wisdom traditions provide a map to the afterlife, read Chopra's book. It's a fascinating look at how your expectations, beliefs, and level of awareness in the "here and now" can shape what happens after you die.
1. What is your story? Your story is more than just a list of the events in your life. It's about your self-image, how you see yourself, what shaped your mind, which memories imprinted themselves on you. Taken altogether, your story tells you where you are in the cycle of life.
2. What are your expectations? Expectations are seeds. Once planted, they manifest into those things we gain from life, or lose. When you become aware of your own expectations, you discover the unspoken limits you have set on yourself. There is a huge difference between those who expect great things and those who don't.
3. What is your purpose? This is the meaning you are trying to find. Purpose runs deeper than the superficial things we hope to get, which mostly center on money, possessions, status, and comfort. If you know your purpose, you know the deeper project to which your life is dedicated.
4. What is your destination? This is about fulfillment. Human goals are endless; they unfold, not like a road that has an end but like a river that flows to join the sea, merging with ever larger possibilities. If you know your destination, you can envision your highest fulfillment.
5. What is your path? Having identified your purpose and your destination, there must be a way to get there. "Path" has been adopted as a spiritual term, but in fact everyone, spiritual or not, follows certain ways to get where they want to go.
6. Who are your adversaries? Forward motion is never without obstacles. On your path you will find yourself blocked. At times the adversary is external, but if you examine yourself deeply, you will find it is always internal as well.
7. Who are your allies? We all bring others with us on our journey. Just as your adversaries did, you may identify these allies as external, but they only reflect your own inner strength, just as an opponent reflects your inner vulnerability."
Chopra goes on to say that "what we know right now is immediate and personal: how we feel, what we want, whom we love. And that's enough. The decisions we make determine how life proceeds. We don't go through life simply making good choices and bad ones. We go through life making who we are. Choice is the hand that shapes the raw clay of a person."
What choices have you made in your life that have shaped the "raw clay" to become the person you are? Who are you making as a result of your life choices?
I encourage you to answer the "Seven Questions" and, if you're interested in how scientific discoveries and the wisdom traditions provide a map to the afterlife, read Chopra's book. It's a fascinating look at how your expectations, beliefs, and level of awareness in the "here and now" can shape what happens after you die.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Family Histories & Stories in Your Ethical Will
Quite often in my life legacy classes and talks, people will ask about including family stories and family history in their ethical wills. I always encourage people to include whatever has been most important to their lives as well as what they'd like to pass on to future generations of their family. So cherished stories and historial information about one's family can certainly be included in an ethical will.
If you want to make family history the main subject of your document, I'd encourage you to consider doing a family history video to complement your ethical will. This week, I met with Terry Sheldon who has a company -- StoryBox Creative -- which helps people create a video that tells a family's story using historical photos, interviews, and video of family memorabilia.
Passionate about his work with families, Terry describes his company as "unlike any you've ever seen. Our single goal is to enrich your life by helping you preserve your memorabilia & strengthen your legacy." He offers two essential services: production of "a heart-warming video documentary of your heritage - a keepsake you can pass on to the next generation" and the transfer of all your photos, slides, film, and video to digital media.
If you'd like an experienced professional to help you preserve your family history for a very reasonable price, I encourage you to take a look at Terry's website and to contact him at: terry@storyboxcreative.com.
And tell him where you learned about his service. I look forward to collaborating with Terry to bring more personal and family legacies to life to share with future generations.
If you want to make family history the main subject of your document, I'd encourage you to consider doing a family history video to complement your ethical will. This week, I met with Terry Sheldon who has a company -- StoryBox Creative -- which helps people create a video that tells a family's story using historical photos, interviews, and video of family memorabilia.
Passionate about his work with families, Terry describes his company as "unlike any you've ever seen. Our single goal is to enrich your life by helping you preserve your memorabilia & strengthen your legacy." He offers two essential services: production of "a heart-warming video documentary of your heritage - a keepsake you can pass on to the next generation" and the transfer of all your photos, slides, film, and video to digital media.
If you'd like an experienced professional to help you preserve your family history for a very reasonable price, I encourage you to take a look at Terry's website and to contact him at: terry@storyboxcreative.com.
And tell him where you learned about his service. I look forward to collaborating with Terry to bring more personal and family legacies to life to share with future generations.
Friday, February 02, 2007
The Wisdom of Molly
No writer of my generation has gifted me with more "laugh-out-loud, tears in my eyes" moments than Molly Ivins. Only Garrison Keillor even comes close.
Reading about Molly's death at the age of 62 this week saddened me. And it reminded me how blessed I've been by writers who first came into my life when I was in my 20's in Minneapolis. Both Molly and Garrison were there.
Although I never met her then, Molly was a brand new reporter for the Minneapolis Tribune. I was a lowly intern in the advertising department of the paper, confined to pasting "lean, meaty spare rib" clipart into ads for a corner market (while finishing my Journalism degree at the U. of M.). In the confines of the news department (where "ad guys" were banned from entering), Molly was covering, in her words, "the uproar of the late 60s -- the antiwar movement, black riots, angry women. It was a wonderful time." As for Garrison, though I can't recall seeing him around the J-School, word was that he was seen there too on occasion (though one of those notorious English majors!).
Guess I've been reading Molly's syndicated column in various newspapers for nearly 25 years. No telling how many laughs I've enjoyed as she took on every politician (and all of Texas) in her columns. People seemed to either love her or hate her as she smacked the egos of (mostly men) in Washington and Austin. And the "Bushies" were her favorites these past few years. Some of her humorous looks at the weirdness of Texas (where I traveled for business too many times in the '80s) were among the best. Last night, on the PBS News Hour, they replayed a story she did for them on Texas fine "ort" (pronounced "art" by non-Texans) back in 1986. If you didn't see it, here's a link to the video (a "must see" if you're ready for some serious laughs):
Remembering Molly Ivins
Yesterday's Oregonian offered a fine tribute to Molly by her friend and editor, Anthony Zurcher. I especially liked what he said about Molly's wisdom:
I was also pleased to read Garrison Keillor's tribute (and poem) about Molly on his blog today. It offers a link to much more about her life and work at the Texas Observer -- well worth a look if you're a fan of this larger-than-life, feisty woman with that unmistakable drawling voice:
The Texas Observer
What a wonderful legacy of writing you left us, dear Molly. Thank you for all the laughs, for your outrage at the "(p)ills" of our politics, and for speaking from your heart with a strong, clear (husky!) voice. I will miss you.
Reading about Molly's death at the age of 62 this week saddened me. And it reminded me how blessed I've been by writers who first came into my life when I was in my 20's in Minneapolis. Both Molly and Garrison were there.
Although I never met her then, Molly was a brand new reporter for the Minneapolis Tribune. I was a lowly intern in the advertising department of the paper, confined to pasting "lean, meaty spare rib" clipart into ads for a corner market (while finishing my Journalism degree at the U. of M.). In the confines of the news department (where "ad guys" were banned from entering), Molly was covering, in her words, "the uproar of the late 60s -- the antiwar movement, black riots, angry women. It was a wonderful time." As for Garrison, though I can't recall seeing him around the J-School, word was that he was seen there too on occasion (though one of those notorious English majors!).
Guess I've been reading Molly's syndicated column in various newspapers for nearly 25 years. No telling how many laughs I've enjoyed as she took on every politician (and all of Texas) in her columns. People seemed to either love her or hate her as she smacked the egos of (mostly men) in Washington and Austin. And the "Bushies" were her favorites these past few years. Some of her humorous looks at the weirdness of Texas (where I traveled for business too many times in the '80s) were among the best. Last night, on the PBS News Hour, they replayed a story she did for them on Texas fine "ort" (pronounced "art" by non-Texans) back in 1986. If you didn't see it, here's a link to the video (a "must see" if you're ready for some serious laughs):
Remembering Molly Ivins
Yesterday's Oregonian offered a fine tribute to Molly by her friend and editor, Anthony Zurcher. I especially liked what he said about Molly's wisdom:
"For me, Molly's greatest words of wisdom came with three children's books she gave my son when he was born. In her inimitable way, she captured the spirit of each in one-sentence inscriptions. In "Alice in Wonderland," she offered, "Here's to six impossible things before breakfast." For "The Wind in the Willows," it was, "May you have Toad's zest for life." And in "The Little Prince," she wrote, "May your heart always see clearly."
Like the Little Prince, Molly Ivins has left us for a journey of her own. But while she was here, her heart never failed to see clear and true -- and for that, we can all be grateful."
If you'd like to read the full tribute, here's a link (to the San Francisco Chronicle version):
Goodbye, MollyI was also pleased to read Garrison Keillor's tribute (and poem) about Molly on his blog today. It offers a link to much more about her life and work at the Texas Observer -- well worth a look if you're a fan of this larger-than-life, feisty woman with that unmistakable drawling voice:
The Texas Observer
What a wonderful legacy of writing you left us, dear Molly. Thank you for all the laughs, for your outrage at the "(p)ills" of our politics, and for speaking from your heart with a strong, clear (husky!) voice. I will miss you.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Life Values: "Ancora Imparo"
At one of the introductory life legacy talks I did last week at a local senior center, I had the pleasure of listening to a wise elder tell me about the most influential people in her life. She had the longest list I had ever heard from anyone and almost apologetically shared with me that she felt she has lived a "charmed" life. So many people had guided her and made a difference in her life. What a joy it was to listen to her.
At one point in our conversation, she pointed to a silver bracelet she was wearing, engraved with the words "ancora imparo". She said her son had given it to her. Of course, I asked, "what does it mean?". She excitely said with a beautiful smile on her face, "I am still learning!" The words, she said, were attributed to Michelangelo. Thank you, dear woman, for sharing your story and your bracelet's message with me!
Yes, I am still learning! In fact, "learning" has been one of my Top 5 Values throughout by entire life. In childhood, school was great refuge for me and a place where I could feel pride in my achievements and experience the joy of creating (neither of which I felt at home -- pride and joy being major "sins" in a Norwegian Lutheran community in western Minnesota). Going to college -- the first in my family -- was both exciting and challenging in the late 1960's (and finally graduating after 5 years of working sometimes nearly full-time while attending classes -- interrupted by getting called up for Army duty a quarter before graduating -- was a "triumph"). Then getting the opportunity to go to graduate school during my late-30's was an amazing learning experience, packed full of personal and professional growth.
While I haven't returned to "school" for nearly 25 years, I've been teaching "what I need to learn" ever since. Creating dozens of workshops and classes, plus many talks and presentations -- then sharing them with hundreds of people (thousands by now!) over the years has been a most life-enriching, learning-full, experience for me. And, yes, I am still learning!
What has learning meant to your life? When have you experienced the joy of creating something as a result of what you've learned? What values guide your life now? Write them down, reflect on what they have meant to you, and share your learnings with family and friends. When you're ready, create an ethical will or personal legacy letter to future generations of your family.
At one point in our conversation, she pointed to a silver bracelet she was wearing, engraved with the words "ancora imparo". She said her son had given it to her. Of course, I asked, "what does it mean?". She excitely said with a beautiful smile on her face, "I am still learning!" The words, she said, were attributed to Michelangelo. Thank you, dear woman, for sharing your story and your bracelet's message with me!
Yes, I am still learning! In fact, "learning" has been one of my Top 5 Values throughout by entire life. In childhood, school was great refuge for me and a place where I could feel pride in my achievements and experience the joy of creating (neither of which I felt at home -- pride and joy being major "sins" in a Norwegian Lutheran community in western Minnesota). Going to college -- the first in my family -- was both exciting and challenging in the late 1960's (and finally graduating after 5 years of working sometimes nearly full-time while attending classes -- interrupted by getting called up for Army duty a quarter before graduating -- was a "triumph"). Then getting the opportunity to go to graduate school during my late-30's was an amazing learning experience, packed full of personal and professional growth.
While I haven't returned to "school" for nearly 25 years, I've been teaching "what I need to learn" ever since. Creating dozens of workshops and classes, plus many talks and presentations -- then sharing them with hundreds of people (thousands by now!) over the years has been a most life-enriching, learning-full, experience for me. And, yes, I am still learning!
What has learning meant to your life? When have you experienced the joy of creating something as a result of what you've learned? What values guide your life now? Write them down, reflect on what they have meant to you, and share your learnings with family and friends. When you're ready, create an ethical will or personal legacy letter to future generations of your family.
Life Legacy Poem: "Thanks, Robert Frost"
This morning, when I heard Garrison Keillor read David Ray's poem "Thanks, Robert Frost" on the radio, thoughts of life legacies came to mind ... so it seemed like a good time to share the poem with my blog readers:
Thanks, Robert Frost
Do you have hope for the future?
someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.
Yes, and even for the past, he replied,
that it will turn out to have been all right
for what it was, something we can accept,
mistakes made by the selves we had to be,
not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,
or what looking back half the time it seems
we could so easily have been, or ought...
The future, yes, and even for the past,
that it will become something we can bear.
And I too, and my children, so I hope,
will recall as not too heavy the tug
of those albatrosses I sadly placed
upon their tender necks. Hope for the past,
yes, old Frost, your words provide that courage,
and it brings strange peace that itself passes
into past, easier to bear because
you said it, rather casually, as snow
went on falling in Vermont years ago.
By David Ray, from Music of Time: Selected and New Poems. © The Backwaters Press. Reprinted with permission by The Writer's Almanac.
Thanks, David Ray, for your poem. And thank you Garrison for your reading this morning. It was a great way to start my day in sunny, yes sunny, many days in a row, sunny Oregon!
If you'd like to receive a daily email of The Writer's Almanac, here's a link:
The Writer's Almanac from American Public Media
Thanks, Robert Frost
Do you have hope for the future?
someone asked Robert Frost, toward the end.
Yes, and even for the past, he replied,
that it will turn out to have been all right
for what it was, something we can accept,
mistakes made by the selves we had to be,
not able to be, perhaps, what we wished,
or what looking back half the time it seems
we could so easily have been, or ought...
The future, yes, and even for the past,
that it will become something we can bear.
And I too, and my children, so I hope,
will recall as not too heavy the tug
of those albatrosses I sadly placed
upon their tender necks. Hope for the past,
yes, old Frost, your words provide that courage,
and it brings strange peace that itself passes
into past, easier to bear because
you said it, rather casually, as snow
went on falling in Vermont years ago.
By David Ray, from Music of Time: Selected and New Poems. © The Backwaters Press. Reprinted with permission by The Writer's Almanac.
Thanks, David Ray, for your poem. And thank you Garrison for your reading this morning. It was a great way to start my day in sunny, yes sunny, many days in a row, sunny Oregon!
If you'd like to receive a daily email of The Writer's Almanac, here's a link:
The Writer's Almanac from American Public Media
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Remember: Wisdom for Living A Spiritual Life
Of all the books I've read about "spiritual life and practice", the one that has had the most important impact on my life (and life legacy) is Wayne Muller's How Then, Shall We Live? Four Simple Questions That Reveal the Beauty and Meaning of Our Lives. His four "simple" questions are:
1. Who am I?
2. What do I love?
3. How shall I live, knowing I will die?
4. What is my gift to the family of the earth?
These four questions, it seems to me, are the most fundamental self-inquiries we can make when considering the legacy of our lives.
Noting that "we are already spiritual", Muller says "the heart of a full, rich spiritual life is driven less by what we do than how we do it." Having spent far too much of my life focused on trying to find meaning in doing, the truth in his statement finally touched my heart after a mid-life crisis (or two!).
How I do it has become the essential "practice" that reveals meaning and beauty in my life, no matter what it is that I'm doing.
Since reading the book, I have kept one little paragraph in my mind and heart -- and offered it as a blessing at the end of my classes on "wisdom for talking about death" and "lessons for the living from the dying". I also created a handout for people to take home and post next to their bathroom mirror (where it resides in our house). Muller says these simple words are "the heart of most spiritual practice":
Remember.
Remember who you are.
Remember what you love.
Remember what is sacred.
Remember what is true.
Remember that you will die,
and that this day is a gift.
Remember how you wish to live.
Of all I've written on this blog since I started it last April, these simple words are the most important "guiding light" for my life today -- and for however many days I have left to create the legacy of my lifetime on this earth.
Thank you, Wayne Muller, for bringing "Remember" into my life and may your wisdom bless all those who read your words here ... and pass them along to future generations of their family and friends.
1. Who am I?
2. What do I love?
3. How shall I live, knowing I will die?
4. What is my gift to the family of the earth?
These four questions, it seems to me, are the most fundamental self-inquiries we can make when considering the legacy of our lives.
Noting that "we are already spiritual", Muller says "the heart of a full, rich spiritual life is driven less by what we do than how we do it." Having spent far too much of my life focused on trying to find meaning in doing, the truth in his statement finally touched my heart after a mid-life crisis (or two!).
How I do it has become the essential "practice" that reveals meaning and beauty in my life, no matter what it is that I'm doing.
Since reading the book, I have kept one little paragraph in my mind and heart -- and offered it as a blessing at the end of my classes on "wisdom for talking about death" and "lessons for the living from the dying". I also created a handout for people to take home and post next to their bathroom mirror (where it resides in our house). Muller says these simple words are "the heart of most spiritual practice":
Remember.
Remember who you are.
Remember what you love.
Remember what is sacred.
Remember what is true.
Remember that you will die,
and that this day is a gift.
Remember how you wish to live.
Of all I've written on this blog since I started it last April, these simple words are the most important "guiding light" for my life today -- and for however many days I have left to create the legacy of my lifetime on this earth.
Thank you, Wayne Muller, for bringing "Remember" into my life and may your wisdom bless all those who read your words here ... and pass them along to future generations of their family and friends.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Blessings from Being A Hospice Volunteer
On several occasions, when I've told people I am a hospice volunteer, the first thing they say is "that must be hard!" It was "hard" before I realized that I didn't have to "be doing" anything -- just "show up and be present" with the dying person. And it forced me to deal with my own mortality in ways that only being with someone who is dying can teach you. That was a gift -- a blessing -- which continues to bless me today and every day I'm "still here".
A few years ago, I decided to create and offer a talk that I called "Everyday Blessings: Wisdom for Talking About Death With Loved Ones". While it hasn't become a "best seller" at our Senior & Community Centers, it has drawn people willing to learn (some) of the profound teachings death (and talking about it) has to offer.
Last weekend, I had an opportunity to present the talk for a group of 15 Caring Visitors at a local church -- people who regularly visit elderly members of their congregation who no longer are able to come to church. What a great program! What a wonderful group of people! Every church should have a Caring Visitors program. It reduces the depressing (and often deadly) isolation that so many elders in our community and country experience in their lives.
Presenting the talk again reminded me of the many blessings I received from people who I've "sat with" as a hospice volunteer. In a handout I prepared for the talk, I quoted Roger Housden, author of a beautiful series of books, Ten Poems to Last a Lifetime, Ten Poems to Open Your Heart, Ten Poems to Change Your Life , and Ten Poems to Set You Free.
Housden says that “ . . . a blessing, wherever it comes from, joins us to the larger body of life. It nourishes and heals us with sustenance from the invisible realms.” And “. . . blessings give an experience of the world that is richer, more full of life and meaning, than the one we had known before. . . A blessing is an influx of grace.”
As I thought about my experience as a hospice volunteer, I realized that I have received these blessings from the dying that have enriched and deepened my experience of living:
A blessing of acceptance: I am blessed by accepting death as a natural experience of life, opening my heart to acceptance of all situations, emotions, and people.
A blessing of gratitude: I am blessed by expressing gratitude for all the gifts of life, appreciating whatever comes my way, the hardships as well as the joys.
A blessing of presence: I am blessed by choosing to be fully present with other human beings, connecting heart-to-heart as I listen to their words and their message beyond words.
A blessing of attention: I am blessed by paying attention to what really matters in life, guiding me to choose words and deeds that engender meaning and purpose.
A blessing of time: I am blessed by knowing that death brings time to an end, awakening me to the preciousness of time and compelling me to live in the present moment.
A blessing of patience: I am blessed by being patient with myself and others, relaxing gently into whatever is happening in my life and experiencing a sense of wonder in all creation.
A blessing of intimacy: I am blessed by communicating from the heart, speaking openly, honestly, and genuinely with everyone on my life’s path.
A blessing of kindness: I am blessed by treating every human being with kindness, bringing generosity of spirit and caring to all of my relationships with others.
A blessing of compassion: I am blessed by being willing to be touched by the suffering of others, knowing every human experiences pain and seeks to be free of suffering.
A blessing of forgiveness: I am blessed by forgiving myself and others who have harmed me, letting go of the past and creating a fresh start in the present moment.
A blessing of joy: I am blessed by deeply appreciating the fortunate conditions of my life, embracing feelings of joy and delight in everyday living.
A blessing of love: I am blessed by loving myself and following my heart, opening myself to loving others and receiving their love – to be fully, passionately alive.
How have you been blessed in your life? Who has blessed you? What gifts has life given you? I encourage you to write about them and share them in an ethical or spiritual will that you give to your loved ones while you are still alive.
A few years ago, I decided to create and offer a talk that I called "Everyday Blessings: Wisdom for Talking About Death With Loved Ones". While it hasn't become a "best seller" at our Senior & Community Centers, it has drawn people willing to learn (some) of the profound teachings death (and talking about it) has to offer.
Last weekend, I had an opportunity to present the talk for a group of 15 Caring Visitors at a local church -- people who regularly visit elderly members of their congregation who no longer are able to come to church. What a great program! What a wonderful group of people! Every church should have a Caring Visitors program. It reduces the depressing (and often deadly) isolation that so many elders in our community and country experience in their lives.
Presenting the talk again reminded me of the many blessings I received from people who I've "sat with" as a hospice volunteer. In a handout I prepared for the talk, I quoted Roger Housden, author of a beautiful series of books, Ten Poems to Last a Lifetime, Ten Poems to Open Your Heart, Ten Poems to Change Your Life , and Ten Poems to Set You Free.
Housden says that “ . . . a blessing, wherever it comes from, joins us to the larger body of life. It nourishes and heals us with sustenance from the invisible realms.” And “. . . blessings give an experience of the world that is richer, more full of life and meaning, than the one we had known before. . . A blessing is an influx of grace.”
As I thought about my experience as a hospice volunteer, I realized that I have received these blessings from the dying that have enriched and deepened my experience of living:
A blessing of acceptance: I am blessed by accepting death as a natural experience of life, opening my heart to acceptance of all situations, emotions, and people.
A blessing of gratitude: I am blessed by expressing gratitude for all the gifts of life, appreciating whatever comes my way, the hardships as well as the joys.
A blessing of presence: I am blessed by choosing to be fully present with other human beings, connecting heart-to-heart as I listen to their words and their message beyond words.
A blessing of attention: I am blessed by paying attention to what really matters in life, guiding me to choose words and deeds that engender meaning and purpose.
A blessing of time: I am blessed by knowing that death brings time to an end, awakening me to the preciousness of time and compelling me to live in the present moment.
A blessing of patience: I am blessed by being patient with myself and others, relaxing gently into whatever is happening in my life and experiencing a sense of wonder in all creation.
A blessing of intimacy: I am blessed by communicating from the heart, speaking openly, honestly, and genuinely with everyone on my life’s path.
A blessing of kindness: I am blessed by treating every human being with kindness, bringing generosity of spirit and caring to all of my relationships with others.
A blessing of compassion: I am blessed by being willing to be touched by the suffering of others, knowing every human experiences pain and seeks to be free of suffering.
A blessing of forgiveness: I am blessed by forgiving myself and others who have harmed me, letting go of the past and creating a fresh start in the present moment.
A blessing of joy: I am blessed by deeply appreciating the fortunate conditions of my life, embracing feelings of joy and delight in everyday living.
A blessing of love: I am blessed by loving myself and following my heart, opening myself to loving others and receiving their love – to be fully, passionately alive.
How have you been blessed in your life? Who has blessed you? What gifts has life given you? I encourage you to write about them and share them in an ethical or spiritual will that you give to your loved ones while you are still alive.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Passing Along Your Family Stories to the Next Generation
One of the delights of my Sunday mornings is finding a "Letter from Harrisburg" in our local newspaper. Written by Dorcas Smucker (wonderful name!), a homemaker and mother of six, the "letters" she shares once a month about her ordinary life are extraordinary and always touch my heart.
Yesterday, Dorcas wrote about giving her daughter "a precious family heirloom disguised as a simple story." It's the kind of story I encourage people to put in their ethical or spiritual will. Here's a link:
Stories connect us, one generation at a time
I love what she says about story:
"A story is much more than just a story; it is a connection, a reassurance, a lesson, a door opening. It can last for years and stay fresh and fascinating. It is a mystery -- why do I gravitate to tell this story and not that one?
Through stories, I hope to pass on what's most important -- faith in God, love, hope for the future. When I tell how our lives were spared when we hit a moose and our van burned up, I am saying, "God is real. He still does miracles."
If you'd like to read more of Dorcas Smucker's stories, you'll find them in her book, Ordinary Days: Family Life in a Farmhouse.
Thank you, Dorcas, for blessing me and all of your readers with stories about your family life that will live for generations -- a lasting legacy of your extraordinary, ordinary days.
Yesterday, Dorcas wrote about giving her daughter "a precious family heirloom disguised as a simple story." It's the kind of story I encourage people to put in their ethical or spiritual will. Here's a link:
Stories connect us, one generation at a time
I love what she says about story:
"A story is much more than just a story; it is a connection, a reassurance, a lesson, a door opening. It can last for years and stay fresh and fascinating. It is a mystery -- why do I gravitate to tell this story and not that one?
Through stories, I hope to pass on what's most important -- faith in God, love, hope for the future. When I tell how our lives were spared when we hit a moose and our van burned up, I am saying, "God is real. He still does miracles."
If you'd like to read more of Dorcas Smucker's stories, you'll find them in her book, Ordinary Days: Family Life in a Farmhouse.
Thank you, Dorcas, for blessing me and all of your readers with stories about your family life that will live for generations -- a lasting legacy of your extraordinary, ordinary days.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
A Poem of Gratitude for This Day
Garrison Keilor's poem on The Writers Almanac this morning (Jan. 3) was a gem. It's from the book, From While We've Still Got Feet, published by Copper Canyon Press.
WINTER: TONIGHT: SUNSET by David Budbill
Tonight at sunset walking on the snowy road,
my shoes crunching on the frozen gravel, first
through the woods, then out into the open fields
past a couple of trailers and some pickup trucks, I stop
and look at the sky. Suddenly: orange, red, pink, blue,
green, purple, yellow, gray, all at once and everywhere.
I pause in this moment at the beginning of my old age
and I say a prayer of gratitude for getting to this evening
a prayer for being here, today, now, alive
in this life, in this evening, under this sky.
I wonder ... when is "the beginning of my old age"? No matter. Every day is a good day for me to "say a prayer of gratitude for getting to this evening". I am blessed to be alive ... here ... now ... today ... under this gray sky (with "blue holes"!) in Oregon.
WINTER: TONIGHT: SUNSET by David Budbill
Tonight at sunset walking on the snowy road,
my shoes crunching on the frozen gravel, first
through the woods, then out into the open fields
past a couple of trailers and some pickup trucks, I stop
and look at the sky. Suddenly: orange, red, pink, blue,
green, purple, yellow, gray, all at once and everywhere.
I pause in this moment at the beginning of my old age
and I say a prayer of gratitude for getting to this evening
a prayer for being here, today, now, alive
in this life, in this evening, under this sky.
I wonder ... when is "the beginning of my old age"? No matter. Every day is a good day for me to "say a prayer of gratitude for getting to this evening". I am blessed to be alive ... here ... now ... today ... under this gray sky (with "blue holes"!) in Oregon.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The Legacy of An Oregon Poet Extraordinaire
I met Oregon poet William Stafford several years ago at a men's gathering in Portland. Robert Bly had invited him to join us for an afternoon. Seeing and hearing the two poets read their poems together was quite the scene in a room crowded with over 100 men ranging in age from early 20's to late 70's. That day was the beginning of my love for the poetry of the greatest poet Oregon has ever had (in my humble opinion).
Over the years, I've read most all of Stafford's poems as well as several books about him and his work. After his death, I joined Friends of William Stafford and have participated in a number of readings done locally each year on the occasion of his birthday in January. (NOTE: The birthday reading in Eugene will be on Sunday, Jan. 28 at Tsunami Books for 2 - 4 p.m.).
In the current newsletter from Friends, I came across Stafford's "The Way It Is" poem (from his book by the same name) which is one of my favorites. The poem was recently inscribed in a stone placed in the new Stafford Commons (2nd Ave. & B St.) in the poet's adopted home town of Lake Oswego, Oregon. Here's a link to the short poem:
The Way It Is -- William Stafford
Are you aware of the "thread" in your life? Is it at the heart of your life legacy? Something to ponder during this new year ... and the rest of your life.
May you be blessed in 2007 with life experiences that create the legacy you desire!
Over the years, I've read most all of Stafford's poems as well as several books about him and his work. After his death, I joined Friends of William Stafford and have participated in a number of readings done locally each year on the occasion of his birthday in January. (NOTE: The birthday reading in Eugene will be on Sunday, Jan. 28 at Tsunami Books for 2 - 4 p.m.).
In the current newsletter from Friends, I came across Stafford's "The Way It Is" poem (from his book by the same name) which is one of my favorites. The poem was recently inscribed in a stone placed in the new Stafford Commons (2nd Ave. & B St.) in the poet's adopted home town of Lake Oswego, Oregon. Here's a link to the short poem:
The Way It Is -- William Stafford
Are you aware of the "thread" in your life? Is it at the heart of your life legacy? Something to ponder during this new year ... and the rest of your life.
May you be blessed in 2007 with life experiences that create the legacy you desire!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
The Memory Book Project
A good friend of mine passed along a book he received that he thought would make a worthwhile addition to my life legacy library. Written by Henning Mankell, an acclaimed Swedish author (you'll know him if you read Kurt Wallander mysteries), the book I Die, But My Memory Lives On describes how he came across "memory books" while traveling in Uganda.
Memory books are deeply moving little volumes written by people with AIDS for their children so that they will have something to remember their parents by. Mankell writes that "these memory books could prove to be the most important documents our time has produced."
Here's a link to a Plan USA web page about the book (Plan USA is a preeminent child-centered organization working to help the world's poorest children):
Memoir features memory book project
I'm currently reading the book and will share my learnings in a future blog post.
Memory books are deeply moving little volumes written by people with AIDS for their children so that they will have something to remember their parents by. Mankell writes that "these memory books could prove to be the most important documents our time has produced."
Here's a link to a Plan USA web page about the book (Plan USA is a preeminent child-centered organization working to help the world's poorest children):
Memoir features memory book project
I'm currently reading the book and will share my learnings in a future blog post.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Lasting Legacy of a Compassionate Nurse
Our local newspaper featured a volunteer program today that is a lasting legacy of nurse, Sandra Clarke. The story recounts an experience she had with a dying patient that inspired her to start "No One Dies Alone" which partners compassionate companions with terminally ill patients who are without support of family or friends as they face death. In my view, it is a program that every hospital throughout the world should have. Here's a link to the article:
Together at the End
As a hospice volunteer, I encourage you to become a part of such a hospital-based program or a hospice in your area. Not only will you help assure that "no one dies alone" in your community, the experience will teach you about death in ways that will allow you to face your own death with grace (and live your life with more joy and delight!).
Together at the End
As a hospice volunteer, I encourage you to become a part of such a hospital-based program or a hospice in your area. Not only will you help assure that "no one dies alone" in your community, the experience will teach you about death in ways that will allow you to face your own death with grace (and live your life with more joy and delight!).
Monday, December 11, 2006
A Teaching Story - A Legacy to Pass On
In the Spirituality & Practice e-newsletter I received last week, a "teaching story" from Caroline Myss shows how a brief encounter can affect your life's legacy:
"Years ago I had a conversation with a man who told me that the most important truth he had learned was to be kind. He learned this, he recounted, during a cab ride in New York City. As he was paying the driver, he said, "Thank you, sir." At this, the driver leaped, ran around the back of the cab, and opened the door for his passenger. Startled, the man got out and said to the cab driver, "You didn't have to do that," to which the driver responded, "I wanted to. You are the first person in this country to honor me by calling me sir, and I thank you for that respect." The man had never before considered the power inherent in a respectful gesture, but from then on, kindness became the pillar on which he built his life and the legacy he hoped to pass on to his children. That exchange, he said, changed his life."
— Caroline Myss in Invisible Acts of Power: Personal Choices That Create Miracles
"Years ago I had a conversation with a man who told me that the most important truth he had learned was to be kind. He learned this, he recounted, during a cab ride in New York City. As he was paying the driver, he said, "Thank you, sir." At this, the driver leaped, ran around the back of the cab, and opened the door for his passenger. Startled, the man got out and said to the cab driver, "You didn't have to do that," to which the driver responded, "I wanted to. You are the first person in this country to honor me by calling me sir, and I thank you for that respect." The man had never before considered the power inherent in a respectful gesture, but from then on, kindness became the pillar on which he built his life and the legacy he hoped to pass on to his children. That exchange, he said, changed his life."
— Caroline Myss in Invisible Acts of Power: Personal Choices That Create Miracles
Kindness is one of the values I have practiced in my life which I would like to pass on to my children and grandchildren. I learned the importance of kindness the hard way as a child -- from a father and a few (mostly male) school teachers who were very unkind to me. Their gestures were not only disrespectful to me, they were downright mean and abusive. Even so, in a backhanded (literally!) way, these "negative" experiences taught me the value of kindness. Once I had forgiven those who were unkind to me, I could finally see how they had changed my life for the better -- teaching me how important it is to be kind to everyone I encounter in the world.
What life experiences have you had that changed you and the values you would like to pass on to future generations of your family?
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Creating A Video of Your Life Legacy
A reader of my blog referred me to a local company that offers a service to create Legacy Life Videos. I gave the owner of the the firm, Martin Hall, a call and we got together yesterday at his office to discuss our mutual labors of love to help people document their life legacy.
Marty and I shared our "paths" to legacy work, both of which started with hospice experiences in our lives -- his with a family member and mine as a hospice volunteer. Marty wrote a book about his sitting with a dying person to help others who would be faced with the experience and decided to create a new venture to create legacy videos that "capture a moment today and create an heirloom for tomorrow."
In his office suite, Marty outfitted a multi-camera "living room" studio to capture on DVD video a one-hour conversation with people of any age who want to create a video legacy of their life (or reflections about special occasions in life -- births, graduations, weddings, retirements, etc.). You can view samples of their videos on the Legacy Life Video website.
Marty described his legacy video work as "both a labor of love and a place of high honor in helping to capture the memories, experiences, wisdom, and love that others are willing to share." The word I use to describe that "place of high honor" in my ethical will work with people is feeling blessed to be able to personally hear their life stories, the "lessons" life has taught them, and the wisdom they have to share with their loved ones.
Along with creating a written ethical will, I highly recommend telling your life stories on video and sharing what you'd like future generations of your family to know has mattered most in your life. What a precious gift for loved ones to be able to see you, to hear your voice, and to listen to wisdom from your life journey .... wherever they are living today .... and after you've passed on.
Marty and I shared our "paths" to legacy work, both of which started with hospice experiences in our lives -- his with a family member and mine as a hospice volunteer. Marty wrote a book about his sitting with a dying person to help others who would be faced with the experience and decided to create a new venture to create legacy videos that "capture a moment today and create an heirloom for tomorrow."
In his office suite, Marty outfitted a multi-camera "living room" studio to capture on DVD video a one-hour conversation with people of any age who want to create a video legacy of their life (or reflections about special occasions in life -- births, graduations, weddings, retirements, etc.). You can view samples of their videos on the Legacy Life Video website.
Marty described his legacy video work as "both a labor of love and a place of high honor in helping to capture the memories, experiences, wisdom, and love that others are willing to share." The word I use to describe that "place of high honor" in my ethical will work with people is feeling blessed to be able to personally hear their life stories, the "lessons" life has taught them, and the wisdom they have to share with their loved ones.
Along with creating a written ethical will, I highly recommend telling your life stories on video and sharing what you'd like future generations of your family to know has mattered most in your life. What a precious gift for loved ones to be able to see you, to hear your voice, and to listen to wisdom from your life journey .... wherever they are living today .... and after you've passed on.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Your Legacy of the Present (and Presence)
Last weekend, I read an outstanding magazine article by Michael Ventura which I felt has information of enduring value for everyone's life and life legacy. As a counselor in private practice for nearly 10 years in the 1990's, I especially appreciated this quote from the article:
"Jungian psychologist James Hillman told me once that in his clinical practice, he found that nothing was harder to "treat," to do therapy with and upon, than peoples' schedules. He said it was very difficult to get people to see that their schedule was their life--the skeletal structure of their existence. You're not going to change your life much unless you change your schedule: open it up so that the unexpected may enter. Else how can the present be a presence instead of just another goal--or just something else you don't have time for?"
What does your schedule look like today? This week? This past year? Here's a link to the complete article:
"Appointments With Yourself" by Michael Ventura
Let me know if you find the article helpful for your life. It certainly got me thinking more about what the "present moment" means (and reminded me once again that what is on my daily schedule -- or not -- becomes my personal life legacy).
"Jungian psychologist James Hillman told me once that in his clinical practice, he found that nothing was harder to "treat," to do therapy with and upon, than peoples' schedules. He said it was very difficult to get people to see that their schedule was their life--the skeletal structure of their existence. You're not going to change your life much unless you change your schedule: open it up so that the unexpected may enter. Else how can the present be a presence instead of just another goal--or just something else you don't have time for?"
What does your schedule look like today? This week? This past year? Here's a link to the complete article:
"Appointments With Yourself" by Michael Ventura
Let me know if you find the article helpful for your life. It certainly got me thinking more about what the "present moment" means (and reminded me once again that what is on my daily schedule -- or not -- becomes my personal life legacy).
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
On Elderhood: What Is Old Age For?
I've written a couple of times about Dr. William Thomas (The Greening of Aging & An Oregonian Interview) who is working to transform nursing home care and cultural views of the elderly. Last week, I found a back issue of Yes Magazine which contained an excerpt from his book, "What Are Old People For? How Elders Will Save the World". Here's a link to the article:
What Is Old Age For? by William Thomas
I love what he says about elders and elderhood in the conclusion to the article:
"Any honest accounting of the potential influence of elders and elderhood must address the contributions not only of fit and energetic elders. It must recognize the contributions that people who are weak, ill, infirm, dependent, demented, disabled, and dying can make to this struggle. The old and frail are able to surmount the dizzy bustle that clings to the young—to enter a time and place in which the spiritual and emotional dimensions of human life take precedence over the humdrum workings (and failings) of organs, tissues, and systems. This is among the most admirable of all human endeavors. What the old and frail do is show us the way. They provide us with greater insight into and a clearer perspective on the human condition."
I invite your comments (and would love some feedback from people working in nursing homes and assisted living facilities in the U.S. and around the world).
I have especially enjoyed hearing the insights of elders who have participated in my ethical will classes and introductory talks on life legacies. What a priviledge it was to listen to a 98-year old woman tell stories about her life (as well as hear the wisdom of many people in their 60's, 70's and 80's). They definitely gave me a "clearer perspective on the human condition."
What Is Old Age For? by William Thomas
I love what he says about elders and elderhood in the conclusion to the article:
"Any honest accounting of the potential influence of elders and elderhood must address the contributions not only of fit and energetic elders. It must recognize the contributions that people who are weak, ill, infirm, dependent, demented, disabled, and dying can make to this struggle. The old and frail are able to surmount the dizzy bustle that clings to the young—to enter a time and place in which the spiritual and emotional dimensions of human life take precedence over the humdrum workings (and failings) of organs, tissues, and systems. This is among the most admirable of all human endeavors. What the old and frail do is show us the way. They provide us with greater insight into and a clearer perspective on the human condition."
I invite your comments (and would love some feedback from people working in nursing homes and assisted living facilities in the U.S. and around the world).
I have especially enjoyed hearing the insights of elders who have participated in my ethical will classes and introductory talks on life legacies. What a priviledge it was to listen to a 98-year old woman tell stories about her life (as well as hear the wisdom of many people in their 60's, 70's and 80's). They definitely gave me a "clearer perspective on the human condition."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
"Storycatching " on Thanksgiving Day
I received an e-mail yesterday from Christina Baldwin, author of Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story. Her message contained some questions for Thanksgiving which I thought were well-suited for gathering family stories to include in an ethical will.
Christina tells her personal Thanksgiving story then notes "in that space between dinner and when we can face the delicious array of pies, we gather around the fireplace and feed each other a round of stories. A question sets us in a particular direction:
What is a recent experience you've had that gives you hope?
What's a favorite memory about Thanksgiving Day?
What's the most unusual thing you've ever done on Thanksgiving?
What do you hope will have changed/happened in your life by next Thanksgiving?
The kinds of collective spirit that gathers around these holidays hold many stories waiting to be told. Will you be the Storycatcher in your family or circle of friends to create a space and a bit of time to hear each other's tales?"
Thank you, Christina, for suggesting these questions for holiday gatherings. And a personal "thank you" to everyone who reads my blog. May you be blessed with abundance and great memories of Thanksgiving Days in your life!
Christina tells her personal Thanksgiving story then notes "in that space between dinner and when we can face the delicious array of pies, we gather around the fireplace and feed each other a round of stories. A question sets us in a particular direction:
What is a recent experience you've had that gives you hope?
What's a favorite memory about Thanksgiving Day?
What's the most unusual thing you've ever done on Thanksgiving?
What do you hope will have changed/happened in your life by next Thanksgiving?
The kinds of collective spirit that gathers around these holidays hold many stories waiting to be told. Will you be the Storycatcher in your family or circle of friends to create a space and a bit of time to hear each other's tales?"
Thank you, Christina, for suggesting these questions for holiday gatherings. And a personal "thank you" to everyone who reads my blog. May you be blessed with abundance and great memories of Thanksgiving Days in your life!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Memory: Who & What Do You Remember?
One of the challenges (and opportunities) in creating an ethical will is "memory". We're called upon to recall the people and events of our whole lifetime (so far) as well as reflect on their meaning for our lives today.
According to Piero Ferrucci in his new book, The Power of Kindness (which I'm currently reading):
"The essence of memory is not in the storage of information, but in the emotions we hold, in the meaning we give to our recollections, in the relationships that, because we remember them, stay alive. The friends of my childhood, the pain of a goodbye, the meeting with a special person, a wonderful September afternoon, and so forth -- all these are not merely items I keep in an archive. They are vital ingredients of my history. Through my memories I build my life and my identity. I am what I am by virtue of how I remember what has happened to me, the people I have met, the mistakes I have made, the triumphs I have enjoyed. I remember, therefore I am."
So in creating an ethical or spiritual will, we are reflecting on what is most "alive" in us today from all of our years of experience as a human being. No matter what our age, we can benefit from taking time for reflection, for looking at what lives in our memories, for seeing what meaning we have given to what we remember.
I encourage you to begin exploring memories of your lifetime. In the process, you'll find the "I am" of your life.
According to Piero Ferrucci in his new book, The Power of Kindness (which I'm currently reading):
"The essence of memory is not in the storage of information, but in the emotions we hold, in the meaning we give to our recollections, in the relationships that, because we remember them, stay alive. The friends of my childhood, the pain of a goodbye, the meeting with a special person, a wonderful September afternoon, and so forth -- all these are not merely items I keep in an archive. They are vital ingredients of my history. Through my memories I build my life and my identity. I am what I am by virtue of how I remember what has happened to me, the people I have met, the mistakes I have made, the triumphs I have enjoyed. I remember, therefore I am."
So in creating an ethical or spiritual will, we are reflecting on what is most "alive" in us today from all of our years of experience as a human being. No matter what our age, we can benefit from taking time for reflection, for looking at what lives in our memories, for seeing what meaning we have given to what we remember.
I encourage you to begin exploring memories of your lifetime. In the process, you'll find the "I am" of your life.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Remembering People Who Guided You
Another new book, "A Hand to Guide Me," by award-winning actor, Denzel Washington, came to my attention when I saw him being interviewed by Oprah recently. The book features 74 stories of well-known people who had mentors who guided them in their life.
Washington, who is a national spokesperson for Boys & Girls Clubs of America (and is contributing book proceeds to the organization), writes:
"The real story, the universal story, is that we all stand upon another set of shoulders. We are, all of us, the sum of our influences. We've all been taken by the hand and led to a better, more purposeful place." He goes on to say,"if you've achieved anything in your life, if you've overcome any kind of obstacles, odds are you've had some help and we'll do well to acknowledge that help and pass it on."
Who are those people who have helped you -- who have stepped up to guide you at various stages of your life? What did they say or do that made a meaningful difference in your life? Take some time to write about those people and, if you haven't already expressed your gratitude to them, do it today. If they've already passed on, write them a letter anyway and read it to someone you love. And acknowledge your mentors in your ethical will or personal legacy letter.
Washington, who is a national spokesperson for Boys & Girls Clubs of America (and is contributing book proceeds to the organization), writes:
"The real story, the universal story, is that we all stand upon another set of shoulders. We are, all of us, the sum of our influences. We've all been taken by the hand and led to a better, more purposeful place." He goes on to say,"if you've achieved anything in your life, if you've overcome any kind of obstacles, odds are you've had some help and we'll do well to acknowledge that help and pass it on."
Who are those people who have helped you -- who have stepped up to guide you at various stages of your life? What did they say or do that made a meaningful difference in your life? Take some time to write about those people and, if you haven't already expressed your gratitude to them, do it today. If they've already passed on, write them a letter anyway and read it to someone you love. And acknowledge your mentors in your ethical will or personal legacy letter.
Life Lessons: Interview with Ellen Burstyn
This week, Academy Award-winning actress Ellen Burstyn was in Portland to do a reading from her new memoir, "Lessons in Becoming Myself." I've long admired her film work and enjoyed what she had to say in an interview with Grant Butler of The Oregonian.
Here's a link to the interview:
Burstyn on life's lessons
Looking at our "life lessons" is an important part of the process of creating an ethical will. Take some quiet time today to consider what the "ups & downs" of your life have taught you. You may have memoir of your own to write! If not, at least you'll have harvested the wisdom of your life experience to share in your ethical will.
Here's a link to the interview:
Burstyn on life's lessons
Looking at our "life lessons" is an important part of the process of creating an ethical will. Take some quiet time today to consider what the "ups & downs" of your life have taught you. You may have memoir of your own to write! If not, at least you'll have harvested the wisdom of your life experience to share in your ethical will.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
"This I Believe": Inspiration for Your Ethical Will
A few months ago, I commented on the "This I Believe" program on NPR noting that it could be used to "kick-start" writing about your beliefs in your ethical will. I recently saw a copy of a new "This I Believe" book containing radio segments from eighty people -- from the famous to the unknown-- who contributed to the program.
In the introduction, co-author Jay Allison writes that "This I Believe" offers a simple, if difficult invitation. Write a few hundred words expressing the core principles that guide your life -- your personal credo." He goes on to say "Beliefs are choices. No one has authority over your personal beliefs. Your beliefs are in jeopardy only when you don't know what they are."
Are your beliefs in jeopardy? Can you express the core principles that guide your life? Reading the book and/or listening to the archived programs is a great source of inspiration for thinking about the personal beliefs you want to share in your ethical will.
In the introduction, co-author Jay Allison writes that "This I Believe" offers a simple, if difficult invitation. Write a few hundred words expressing the core principles that guide your life -- your personal credo." He goes on to say "Beliefs are choices. No one has authority over your personal beliefs. Your beliefs are in jeopardy only when you don't know what they are."
Are your beliefs in jeopardy? Can you express the core principles that guide your life? Reading the book and/or listening to the archived programs is a great source of inspiration for thinking about the personal beliefs you want to share in your ethical will.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Celebrating A Mentor: Robert Bly
At a dinner to honor Robert Bly during his Eugene visit last week, I had an opportunity to publicly express my gratitude to him for mentoring me for nearly 25 years. I know he has mentored thousands of men (without knowing it!) and probably as many women poets during his lifetime. For me, it felt like the right moment to voice my affection, admiration, and love for the man who has made such a meaningful contribution to my life and the life of so many people around the world.
After Robert was "toasted" by everyone at the gathering, I made my way to his table and gave my (mostly) impromptu talk about how we met, how attending his men's gatherings gave me a proverbial "kick in the butt" to start working with local men in support groups and workshops, and how his poetry has given me and everyone who has read his work "a thousand years of joy."
I also shared a funny story about my grandmother Hannah's reaction when I told her I had met Robert Bly at a poetry reading in Illinois. My "gramma" looked a lot like Robert with her white hair, wire-rimmed glasses, and ruddy western Minnesotan complexion. When I told the story to Robert and the group, I asked him to mimic my grandmother's wonderful grimace (which he did) when she had exclaimed to me, "Oh, that awful Bly boy!". The room (and Robert) filled with laughter. He then quietly asked me, "Did she tell you why she said that?" "Never did," I replied, but I suspect it was because Robert told many of the "unspoken secrets" of Madison and the people who lived there. I told him and the audience that her response had made such a big impression on me that I knew I better pay very close attention to whatever that "awful Bly boy" was doing for the rest of his life (and mine!). So I have ... and I've been blessed in ways I never would have imagined.
Looking back at that evening, I'm pleased that I was able to share with Robert many of the words I've written in my ethical will about him and his influence on my life. Many of the other men and women who've been important in my life died before I could tell them how much they mattered to me (or I finally "woke-up" to realize their significance in my life).
I encourage you to seek out your mentors who are still alive and tell them now the many ways they have made a difference in your life. And celebrate them in person as well as honor those who have passed on by including your thoughts about them in your ethical will.
After Robert was "toasted" by everyone at the gathering, I made my way to his table and gave my (mostly) impromptu talk about how we met, how attending his men's gatherings gave me a proverbial "kick in the butt" to start working with local men in support groups and workshops, and how his poetry has given me and everyone who has read his work "a thousand years of joy."
I also shared a funny story about my grandmother Hannah's reaction when I told her I had met Robert Bly at a poetry reading in Illinois. My "gramma" looked a lot like Robert with her white hair, wire-rimmed glasses, and ruddy western Minnesotan complexion. When I told the story to Robert and the group, I asked him to mimic my grandmother's wonderful grimace (which he did) when she had exclaimed to me, "Oh, that awful Bly boy!". The room (and Robert) filled with laughter. He then quietly asked me, "Did she tell you why she said that?" "Never did," I replied, but I suspect it was because Robert told many of the "unspoken secrets" of Madison and the people who lived there. I told him and the audience that her response had made such a big impression on me that I knew I better pay very close attention to whatever that "awful Bly boy" was doing for the rest of his life (and mine!). So I have ... and I've been blessed in ways I never would have imagined.
Looking back at that evening, I'm pleased that I was able to share with Robert many of the words I've written in my ethical will about him and his influence on my life. Many of the other men and women who've been important in my life died before I could tell them how much they mattered to me (or I finally "woke-up" to realize their significance in my life).
I encourage you to seek out your mentors who are still alive and tell them now the many ways they have made a difference in your life. And celebrate them in person as well as honor those who have passed on by including your thoughts about them in your ethical will.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Embracing Elderhood: Interview with Dr. Bill Thomas
Several months ago, I wrote about the "Greening of Aging" describing what Dr. Bill Thomas is doing to change the "landscape" of elderhood. He founded the Eden Alternative to reform nursing home care in the U.S. and has planned new communities for elder living.
Dr. Thomas was is Portland last week and was interviewed by Don Colburn of The Oregonian. Here's a link to the interview:
"Embrace elderhood, doctor tells boomers"
I especially enjoyed the way Dr. Thomas differentiates between "adulthood" and "elderhood" when he says:
"So when does elderhood begin? When you stop acting like an adult and start acting like an elder. Elders begin to look at the world and live their lives with a much greater emphasis on being rather than doing. They're much more concerned about relationship, emotion, intrinsic satisfaction. They're no longer obsessed with doing and getting and having. Therefore, they can be a voice in our culture and our society that can help us find our way. You can even argue that one of our major problems that we're facing in America is that we have a society that's run by adults without elder supervision. Historically and around the world, that's a rare and dangerous circumstance."
I encourage you to read the interview and invite your comments. You may also want to read his new book, "What Are Old People For? How Elders Will Save the World".
Dr. Thomas was is Portland last week and was interviewed by Don Colburn of The Oregonian. Here's a link to the interview:
"Embrace elderhood, doctor tells boomers"
I especially enjoyed the way Dr. Thomas differentiates between "adulthood" and "elderhood" when he says:
"So when does elderhood begin? When you stop acting like an adult and start acting like an elder. Elders begin to look at the world and live their lives with a much greater emphasis on being rather than doing. They're much more concerned about relationship, emotion, intrinsic satisfaction. They're no longer obsessed with doing and getting and having. Therefore, they can be a voice in our culture and our society that can help us find our way. You can even argue that one of our major problems that we're facing in America is that we have a society that's run by adults without elder supervision. Historically and around the world, that's a rare and dangerous circumstance."
I encourage you to read the interview and invite your comments. You may also want to read his new book, "What Are Old People For? How Elders Will Save the World".
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Honoring Your Mentors in Your Ethical Will
One section of my ethical will speaks to the women and men who have mentored me and contributed most to the "life-shaping" of the man I am today. Among the men I honor as a mentor is poet, Robert Bly.
What a joy it was for me last night to listen to Robert recite his poems in a room filled with 600+ people. I had not seen him or heard him in person for nearly 10 years, but his unforgetable, distinctly Minnesotan voice sounded as powerful (and familiar) as ever. Now 79 years old, I first met Robert at a poetry reading in DeKalb, Illnois (I was 38 at the time). Ironically, I was born in the town of his birth and where he lived much of his life -- Madison, Minnesota -- and I was studying journalism at the University of Minnesota in the late 60's when he was in Minneapolis protesting the Vietnam War.
At the reading in DeKalb, I recall Robert's poetry "transporting" me back to the landscape and towns of western Minnesota where we both had lived. Poems from his Silence in the Snowy Fields especially touched me and opened my heart to the beauty of poetry in a way that I had never experienced before. And, after the reading, when I introduced myself to Robert, he told me a story about a young family member he knew (on my mother's side) who had died in a farm accident while haying. It was a story so tragic that no one in my family had ever told it to me.
Robert Bly was in the forefront of poets against the war in Vietnam and continues to speak today against the war in Iraq. In his view, the Bush adminstration has made the biggest mistake of any American presidency, pitting twenty-first century capitalist fundamentalism against twelvth century Muslim fundamentalism. His poetry speaks with great clarity about war and our response as citizen's to the actions of leaders in Washington. Here's a link to a powerful poem he wrote in August 2002:
Call and Answer
The poem is included in his latest collection, My Sentence Was a Thousand Years of Joy, which features many poems written in the traditional Islamic ghazal form.
Shortly after I met Bly in 1982, I read a magazine article titled "What Men Really Want" in which author Keith Thompson interviewed Robert about his views and work with men. What he said resonated deeply with my experience as a man and got me interested in the so-called "mythopoetic men's movement". I attended my first men's gathering in Michigan in the late 1980's (led by Shepherd Bliss) and the experience turned my life in a new direction. I joined a men's support group in Indianapolis where I lived at the time and plunged into reading everything that was being written about men and life as a male.
The momentum of the my men's group experience continued when I moved to Oregon. As I noted in my post yesterday, I partipated in men's gatherings with Robert Bly which, together with his book, Iron John, inspired me to begin "birthing" men's support groups in our community. Dozens of groups of 7-10 men came together for 2-hour sessions over eight weeks. My intention was to build enough trust in each group so the men could continue meeting by themselves (while I moved on to birth another group). For most of the men, what began as a scary experience on the first night transformed into genuine trust over the weeks together -- leading to male friendships that continue today. Some of these groups continue as well, including one I started for my own personal support which has met every week for nearly 15 years.
Along with the support groups, I initiated a weekend men's gathering at the Oregon coast -- gatherings of 10-20 men -- and held fifteen of them over a period of years. I also created and began teaching a class called "Understanding Men: For Women & Men" at our community college. Attended by more women than men, the classes of 12-24 people met weekly each quarter in the mid-1990's. I also created several "Healing the Hearts of Men" workshops which focused on healing of father-wounds, mother-wounds, men's anger, male sexuality, male spirituality, and intimacy with women. These short-term (4-8 weeks) sessions for small groups were among the most creative "outbursts" of my life.
In all the men's work I was doing (along with my counseling practice for men and couples), I used poetry, mythology, personal story, breathwork, and "talk-therapy" to help heal emotional wounds of the past and support people in creating the life they wanted to live in the present. It was often difficult, gut-wrenching work and I heard far too many stories of abuse and neglect by fathers (and by some mothers). But the rewards came in seeing people do their healing work and transform themselves in the brief time I was privileged to be a part of their lives.
So Robert Bly, dear man and poet, I bless you for being a mentor to me, for inspiring me to bring poetry back into my life (giving me "a thousand years of joy"!), and for your "kick-starting" the most challenging, creative, growth-filled, and fulfilling work of my life -- so far, that is!
What a joy it was for me last night to listen to Robert recite his poems in a room filled with 600+ people. I had not seen him or heard him in person for nearly 10 years, but his unforgetable, distinctly Minnesotan voice sounded as powerful (and familiar) as ever. Now 79 years old, I first met Robert at a poetry reading in DeKalb, Illnois (I was 38 at the time). Ironically, I was born in the town of his birth and where he lived much of his life -- Madison, Minnesota -- and I was studying journalism at the University of Minnesota in the late 60's when he was in Minneapolis protesting the Vietnam War.
At the reading in DeKalb, I recall Robert's poetry "transporting" me back to the landscape and towns of western Minnesota where we both had lived. Poems from his Silence in the Snowy Fields especially touched me and opened my heart to the beauty of poetry in a way that I had never experienced before. And, after the reading, when I introduced myself to Robert, he told me a story about a young family member he knew (on my mother's side) who had died in a farm accident while haying. It was a story so tragic that no one in my family had ever told it to me.
Robert Bly was in the forefront of poets against the war in Vietnam and continues to speak today against the war in Iraq. In his view, the Bush adminstration has made the biggest mistake of any American presidency, pitting twenty-first century capitalist fundamentalism against twelvth century Muslim fundamentalism. His poetry speaks with great clarity about war and our response as citizen's to the actions of leaders in Washington. Here's a link to a powerful poem he wrote in August 2002:
Call and Answer
The poem is included in his latest collection, My Sentence Was a Thousand Years of Joy, which features many poems written in the traditional Islamic ghazal form.
Shortly after I met Bly in 1982, I read a magazine article titled "What Men Really Want" in which author Keith Thompson interviewed Robert about his views and work with men. What he said resonated deeply with my experience as a man and got me interested in the so-called "mythopoetic men's movement". I attended my first men's gathering in Michigan in the late 1980's (led by Shepherd Bliss) and the experience turned my life in a new direction. I joined a men's support group in Indianapolis where I lived at the time and plunged into reading everything that was being written about men and life as a male.
The momentum of the my men's group experience continued when I moved to Oregon. As I noted in my post yesterday, I partipated in men's gatherings with Robert Bly which, together with his book, Iron John, inspired me to begin "birthing" men's support groups in our community. Dozens of groups of 7-10 men came together for 2-hour sessions over eight weeks. My intention was to build enough trust in each group so the men could continue meeting by themselves (while I moved on to birth another group). For most of the men, what began as a scary experience on the first night transformed into genuine trust over the weeks together -- leading to male friendships that continue today. Some of these groups continue as well, including one I started for my own personal support which has met every week for nearly 15 years.
Along with the support groups, I initiated a weekend men's gathering at the Oregon coast -- gatherings of 10-20 men -- and held fifteen of them over a period of years. I also created and began teaching a class called "Understanding Men: For Women & Men" at our community college. Attended by more women than men, the classes of 12-24 people met weekly each quarter in the mid-1990's. I also created several "Healing the Hearts of Men" workshops which focused on healing of father-wounds, mother-wounds, men's anger, male sexuality, male spirituality, and intimacy with women. These short-term (4-8 weeks) sessions for small groups were among the most creative "outbursts" of my life.
In all the men's work I was doing (along with my counseling practice for men and couples), I used poetry, mythology, personal story, breathwork, and "talk-therapy" to help heal emotional wounds of the past and support people in creating the life they wanted to live in the present. It was often difficult, gut-wrenching work and I heard far too many stories of abuse and neglect by fathers (and by some mothers). But the rewards came in seeing people do their healing work and transform themselves in the brief time I was privileged to be a part of their lives.
So Robert Bly, dear man and poet, I bless you for being a mentor to me, for inspiring me to bring poetry back into my life (giving me "a thousand years of joy"!), and for your "kick-starting" the most challenging, creative, growth-filled, and fulfilling work of my life -- so far, that is!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Your Legacy of Work: My Personal Story
Following up on my post about "legacy-thinking" in your worklife, I reviewed what I wrote in my ethical will about my own work legacy and participated in an interview last week that focused on a significant part of my life's work experience.
Reflecting on my legacy, the work I did with men in our community during the "men's movement" was the most satisfying and creative time of my life (so far!). I suspect that if I were to die today, what people would remember about my work is the impact it had on the lives of hundreds of men (and the women and children who love them) over an eight-year period in the 1990's.
For a story in advance of a poetry reading by Robert Bly tonight in Eugene, I was interviewed by a local newspaper columnist about my experiences with men and my view of the legacy of the men's movement. Here's a link to the story:
"Whatever Happened to the Men's Movement?" by Bob Welch - (The Register-Guard, October 15, 2006)
I appreciate Bob Welch (www.bobwelch.net) for his heart-centered, openness to sharing his life experience during an interview. And I admire his writing and engaging style in speeches I've seen him give. Bob's love of his community, his family, and his life in Oregon "shines bright" in his columns each week and in the books he has authored including Where Roots Grow Deep: Stories of Family, Love, and Legacy, A Father for All Seasons, and The Things That Matter Most: Choosing Family, Faith, and the Simple Life.
During the '90's, I was deeply inspired by the poetry and men's work done by Robert Bly (www.robertbly.com) -- as were thousands of other men across the country. Attending men's conferences with Robert and participating in men's groups locally led to my work in facilitating men's support groups, leading weekend gatherings at Heceta House on the Oregon coast, creating several "healing the hearts of men" workshops, and teaching "Understanding Men: For Women & Men" at our community college. It was a challenging and life-enhancing time for me -- helping men deal with their anger and grief (mostly about their "missing" fathers), awaken to their full range of emotions, and become conscious, loving men in their relationships with women, children, and other men.
I loved seeing the transformation of men during an eight-week support group or men's weekend as they began to trust other men with their feelings -- to see men yell, cry, dance, drum, sing, share haiku poems (often their first poems ever written), laugh, and hold one another -- celebrating their manhood in the company of other men.
In those gatherings, men received (and have continued to receive to this day) the blessing of authentic male friendships in their lives. Such friendships are one of the most soul-satisfying experiences of a man's life. How different life on this planet Earth would be if every man (woman and child) had friends they could talk with about anything, be with through all of their life's ups and downs, and count on to "show up and be present" no matter what.
My hope for future generations is that the work done by men involved in the men's movement -- and by every man who "shows up" emotionally, physically, and spiritually for himself, for other men, and for woman and children -- makes a lasting contribution to peace and harmony in the lives of people throughout the world.
Reflecting on my legacy, the work I did with men in our community during the "men's movement" was the most satisfying and creative time of my life (so far!). I suspect that if I were to die today, what people would remember about my work is the impact it had on the lives of hundreds of men (and the women and children who love them) over an eight-year period in the 1990's.
For a story in advance of a poetry reading by Robert Bly tonight in Eugene, I was interviewed by a local newspaper columnist about my experiences with men and my view of the legacy of the men's movement. Here's a link to the story:
"Whatever Happened to the Men's Movement?" by Bob Welch - (The Register-Guard, October 15, 2006)
I appreciate Bob Welch (www.bobwelch.net) for his heart-centered, openness to sharing his life experience during an interview. And I admire his writing and engaging style in speeches I've seen him give. Bob's love of his community, his family, and his life in Oregon "shines bright" in his columns each week and in the books he has authored including Where Roots Grow Deep: Stories of Family, Love, and Legacy, A Father for All Seasons, and The Things That Matter Most: Choosing Family, Faith, and the Simple Life.
During the '90's, I was deeply inspired by the poetry and men's work done by Robert Bly (www.robertbly.com) -- as were thousands of other men across the country. Attending men's conferences with Robert and participating in men's groups locally led to my work in facilitating men's support groups, leading weekend gatherings at Heceta House on the Oregon coast, creating several "healing the hearts of men" workshops, and teaching "Understanding Men: For Women & Men" at our community college. It was a challenging and life-enhancing time for me -- helping men deal with their anger and grief (mostly about their "missing" fathers), awaken to their full range of emotions, and become conscious, loving men in their relationships with women, children, and other men.
I loved seeing the transformation of men during an eight-week support group or men's weekend as they began to trust other men with their feelings -- to see men yell, cry, dance, drum, sing, share haiku poems (often their first poems ever written), laugh, and hold one another -- celebrating their manhood in the company of other men.
In those gatherings, men received (and have continued to receive to this day) the blessing of authentic male friendships in their lives. Such friendships are one of the most soul-satisfying experiences of a man's life. How different life on this planet Earth would be if every man (woman and child) had friends they could talk with about anything, be with through all of their life's ups and downs, and count on to "show up and be present" no matter what.
My hope for future generations is that the work done by men involved in the men's movement -- and by every man who "shows up" emotionally, physically, and spiritually for himself, for other men, and for woman and children -- makes a lasting contribution to peace and harmony in the lives of people throughout the world.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
"Legacy Thinking" in Your Worklife
One of the areas for reflection in creating an ethical will is our worklife. For most people, experiences and accomplishments at work -- outside and inside the home -- are a significant part of their life legacy. For some, their work path has clearly been intentional ; for others, work has "happened" as they've lived their lives.
I'm always looking for ways in which people are thinking about their life legacies. Recently, I learned about a new book, Your Leadership Legacy: Why Looking Toward the Future Will Make You a Better Leader Today, which focuses on the value of "legacy thinking" for leaders. It offers a process for individuals to use in creating an "intentional legacy", including writing a legacy statement for themselves based on questions much like those I use with people creating an ethical will.
The authors, Robert Galford and Regina Maruca, say that for people leading an organization (or any group of individuals):
"... your legacy will be revealed in how your colleagues, employees, and others think and behave as a result of the time spent working with you.
If you start thinking about your leadership legacy now, you will greatly increase the odds of leaving a legacy that reflects your best qualities, as well as the elements of your leadership that you would like to see embedded in the fabric of the organization you leave behind.
More importantly, you will be a better and happier leader for the effort. In clarifying what you would like others to take away as a result of having worked with or for you, you will gain a better understanding of yourself in your role as a leader, and you will better understand how the big-picture view of your role is fueled by your actions on a daily basis.
Your legacy is today."
In my experience, the authors' viewpoint applies to everyone who takes time to consider their life legacy -- at any time or stage of their life. Whether or not you consider yourself to be a "leader" -- when you create an ethical will, personal legacy letter, or a "legacy statement" about your work -- you will better see how your daily actions are building a legacy of your lifetime. Thinking and writing about your legacy allows you to be more intentional about what you want to leave behind for future generations of your family, friends, and colleagues.
In upcoming postings, I'll share more of my own worklife legacy as well as some ideas for reflecting on your lifetime of work to "harvest" wisdom for your ethical will.
For more information about "legacy thinking" as described in the book, here's a link to an interview with the authors:
How Legacy Thinking Makes Better Leaders Today
I'd appreciate your feedback about the interview or the book if you've already read it.
I'm always looking for ways in which people are thinking about their life legacies. Recently, I learned about a new book, Your Leadership Legacy: Why Looking Toward the Future Will Make You a Better Leader Today, which focuses on the value of "legacy thinking" for leaders. It offers a process for individuals to use in creating an "intentional legacy", including writing a legacy statement for themselves based on questions much like those I use with people creating an ethical will.
The authors, Robert Galford and Regina Maruca, say that for people leading an organization (or any group of individuals):
"... your legacy will be revealed in how your colleagues, employees, and others think and behave as a result of the time spent working with you.
If you start thinking about your leadership legacy now, you will greatly increase the odds of leaving a legacy that reflects your best qualities, as well as the elements of your leadership that you would like to see embedded in the fabric of the organization you leave behind.
More importantly, you will be a better and happier leader for the effort. In clarifying what you would like others to take away as a result of having worked with or for you, you will gain a better understanding of yourself in your role as a leader, and you will better understand how the big-picture view of your role is fueled by your actions on a daily basis.
Your legacy is today."
In my experience, the authors' viewpoint applies to everyone who takes time to consider their life legacy -- at any time or stage of their life. Whether or not you consider yourself to be a "leader" -- when you create an ethical will, personal legacy letter, or a "legacy statement" about your work -- you will better see how your daily actions are building a legacy of your lifetime. Thinking and writing about your legacy allows you to be more intentional about what you want to leave behind for future generations of your family, friends, and colleagues.
In upcoming postings, I'll share more of my own worklife legacy as well as some ideas for reflecting on your lifetime of work to "harvest" wisdom for your ethical will.
For more information about "legacy thinking" as described in the book, here's a link to an interview with the authors:
How Legacy Thinking Makes Better Leaders Today
I'd appreciate your feedback about the interview or the book if you've already read it.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Another Revealing Question: Your "Free" Time?
Along with Mark Albion's question in my previous post, another great question to clarify your values is:
"How do I spend my 'free' time -- the time I take just for myself?"
When I ask the question in a class, sometimes people say, "I don't have any free time" or "I can't possibly take any time for myself!" -- both of which are revealing of a person's self-valuing (or, at least, of their level of busyness!).
More often than not, I see a person's core values expressed in their avocations, their hobbies, their volunteer activities, and other "free-floating" activities of their lives. Many people, of course, have jobs or careers that allow them to express their most important values every day in their work. For others, family life fully expresses their core values.
Ask yourself what you were doing the last time you had some "free" time (hopefully, as much as you want!). Were you at your art table creating beauty? Were you reading to a youngster? Were you in your garden? Were you learning something new you were curious about? Were you giving a speech about global warming? Were you volunteering in New Orleans, India, your neighborhood, or your church?
Was whatever you were doing with your "free" time putting one or more of your most important values into practice?
May you be blessed with an abundance of time in your life to express your heart's desire!
"How do I spend my 'free' time -- the time I take just for myself?"
When I ask the question in a class, sometimes people say, "I don't have any free time" or "I can't possibly take any time for myself!" -- both of which are revealing of a person's self-valuing (or, at least, of their level of busyness!).
More often than not, I see a person's core values expressed in their avocations, their hobbies, their volunteer activities, and other "free-floating" activities of their lives. Many people, of course, have jobs or careers that allow them to express their most important values every day in their work. For others, family life fully expresses their core values.
Ask yourself what you were doing the last time you had some "free" time (hopefully, as much as you want!). Were you at your art table creating beauty? Were you reading to a youngster? Were you in your garden? Were you learning something new you were curious about? Were you giving a speech about global warming? Were you volunteering in New Orleans, India, your neighborhood, or your church?
Was whatever you were doing with your "free" time putting one or more of your most important values into practice?
May you be blessed with an abundance of time in your life to express your heart's desire!
A Revealing Question: True to Yourself?
In Mark Albion's book, True to Yourself: Leading A Values-Based Business, he asks a simple, but powerful, question:
"When people hear your name, can they say immediately what you stand for?"
I wonder. Am I as "transparent" to people I know and love as I think I am? Can they say immediately what I stand for? Best ask them!
Albion's question cuts sharply to reveal our core values-- asking us to look closely at how we're living our life. You may want to ask yourself and your loved ones his question (as I am) to clarify the values you want to pass on in your ethical will or personal legacy letters.
"When people hear your name, can they say immediately what you stand for?"
I wonder. Am I as "transparent" to people I know and love as I think I am? Can they say immediately what I stand for? Best ask them!
Albion's question cuts sharply to reveal our core values-- asking us to look closely at how we're living our life. You may want to ask yourself and your loved ones his question (as I am) to clarify the values you want to pass on in your ethical will or personal legacy letters.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Keeping Your Mind On What Matters
This morning on our NPR station, Garrison Keilor read a Mary Oliver poem that sounded like it belongs in her ethical will (and my everyday life!). I especially love the lines:
"Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished."
You can read the poem and listen to Garrison's reading of it at:
What a great poem to inspire anyone on a new day!
"Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished."
You can read the poem and listen to Garrison's reading of it at:
What a great poem to inspire anyone on a new day!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Your Legacy of Stories
In creating an ethical will, family stories and personal "tales" may be an important part of the content of your document. It depends on how much "story" has been part of your life and whether or not story-telling was valued in your family.
Last night at our monthly hospice volunteer meeting, we discussed plans for training volunteers to be "storycatchers" for hospice patients and their families. During the session, I led an exercise in which we imagined ourselves as hospice patients being visited by our assigned volunteer (who we had spoken with during previous visits).
In the imagined scenario, the volunteer has been asked by family members to record stories of your life (the hospice patient) for listening by your grandchildren and great-grandchildren in the future. You've agreed to record some of your life stories.
The volunteer says to you:
"Tell me one of your favorite stories that you've told many times in your life?"
(In the silence, participants allow stories to come to mind as they breathe into their heart).
After a minute or two of silence, the volunteer asks you a second question:
"What stories would you like people to tell about you after you're gone?"
(Once again, participants allowed stories to come to mind in the silence).
After another period of quiet, we concluded the exercise and came back to the present to share what stories (or other experiences) had emerged from the two questions.
While I won't share any specific stories here, participants reported that they often told stories about their children "over and over", about their significant family experiences, about important relationships in their life, and about major life "events". Some also told family stories that had been told to them by their parents or grandparents.
To the surprise of a few people, the second question awakened an emotional response about "remembrance" after one's death. It also raised wonderings about "Am I telling the stories I want to be remembered by?" and "Are their stories am I not telling (and keeping a secret)?"
You may want to "try on" the two questions from the exercise yourself. Or, if you'd like to pursue your life stories in more depth, I highly recommend an excellent study guide, "Storycatching with a circle of friends", available from Christina Baldwin on her website.
Last night at our monthly hospice volunteer meeting, we discussed plans for training volunteers to be "storycatchers" for hospice patients and their families. During the session, I led an exercise in which we imagined ourselves as hospice patients being visited by our assigned volunteer (who we had spoken with during previous visits).
In the imagined scenario, the volunteer has been asked by family members to record stories of your life (the hospice patient) for listening by your grandchildren and great-grandchildren in the future. You've agreed to record some of your life stories.
The volunteer says to you:
"Tell me one of your favorite stories that you've told many times in your life?"
(In the silence, participants allow stories to come to mind as they breathe into their heart).
After a minute or two of silence, the volunteer asks you a second question:
"What stories would you like people to tell about you after you're gone?"
(Once again, participants allowed stories to come to mind in the silence).
After another period of quiet, we concluded the exercise and came back to the present to share what stories (or other experiences) had emerged from the two questions.
While I won't share any specific stories here, participants reported that they often told stories about their children "over and over", about their significant family experiences, about important relationships in their life, and about major life "events". Some also told family stories that had been told to them by their parents or grandparents.
To the surprise of a few people, the second question awakened an emotional response about "remembrance" after one's death. It also raised wonderings about "Am I telling the stories I want to be remembered by?" and "Are their stories am I not telling (and keeping a secret)?"
You may want to "try on" the two questions from the exercise yourself. Or, if you'd like to pursue your life stories in more depth, I highly recommend an excellent study guide, "Storycatching with a circle of friends", available from Christina Baldwin on her website.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Hospice Volunteers to Become "Storycatchers"
Last month (Aug. 2 blog entry), I wrote about Christina Baldwin's new book, Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story, noting that it is an excellent guide for "catching" the stories in your life that you'd like to include in your ethical will. I've recently found another wonderful way to use "storycatching": to enhance the lives of hospice patients and their families.
After reading my blog, our hospice volunteer coordinator (at the local hospice I've served as a volunteer for six years) contacted me to explore the possibility of adding "storycatcher" training to their curriculum for volunteer training. Some families had previously requested a volunteer to record a patient's stories for their children and grandchildren to listen to in the future. (I had recorded stories of an elderly gentleman on hospice a few years ago -- an experience which ultimately led me to the subject of ethical wills!).
A couple of weeks ago, the hospice volunteer coordinator and I met to discuss how to introduce "storycatching" to current volunteers and the hospice team. We also planned a program about it for our upcoming monthly hospice volunteer potluck. Then last week, I met with the hospice team to discuss the idea and their role in offering the services of volunteers to "catch" stories of patients on audio or videotape for families. Since many of them had enjoyed hearing lots of stories from patients in their work (and knew of patients who had recorded family and personal stories before their death), there was excitement over the prospect of having volunteers available to serve as a "storycatcher" for their patients.
I'm looking forward to doing part of the training for volunteers and helping in the development of "tell me about ..." questions and a "listening" guide for use in recording the stories of hospice patients.
Knowing how much I would love to be able to listen today to the stories told by my father, grandmothers, and grandfathers, I have a sense of the meaning that recorded life stories of hospice patients will have for their family members (and future generations).
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Elder Wisdom Circles on the Internet
Happened across a copy of USAToday yesterday with an article about Elder Wisdom Circles (www.elderwisdomcircle.org) that I found hopeful in light of the fact that over 600 elders are "offering up their experience and wisdom via the Internet to the younger generation's confused and troubled." So far, over 60,000 requests for free, personalized advice!
You can read the article at:
USATODAY.com (Sept. 13, 2006) - "Elders dish advice ..."
For too long in my opinion, the wisdom of our elders has been ignored in our culture. Knowing that elders are being sought for advice over the Internet is great news! Now, how can we get more "youngsters" seeking elderwisdom face-to-face with the elders living in their neighborhoods, in retirement communities, assisted living facilities, and nursing homes? And how can we get more elders to share their wisdom in ethical wills and personal legacy letters to future generations of their families? I invite your ideas and suggestions.
You can read the article at:
USATODAY.com (Sept. 13, 2006) - "Elders dish advice ..."
For too long in my opinion, the wisdom of our elders has been ignored in our culture. Knowing that elders are being sought for advice over the Internet is great news! Now, how can we get more "youngsters" seeking elderwisdom face-to-face with the elders living in their neighborhoods, in retirement communities, assisted living facilities, and nursing homes? And how can we get more elders to share their wisdom in ethical wills and personal legacy letters to future generations of their families? I invite your ideas and suggestions.
More Wisdom from Pickles: "Beauty is in ..."
Enjoyed a good laugh over the wisdom about beauty that Grandpa passed along to his grandson:
Pickles (Sept. 13, 2006)
Reminds me to write about the subject of "beauty" in my ethical will (and the woman who taught me the most about it). And to let go of any expectations about whether or not my words "sink in" (and are remembered) by those who read what I've written!
Pickles (Sept. 13, 2006)
Reminds me to write about the subject of "beauty" in my ethical will (and the woman who taught me the most about it). And to let go of any expectations about whether or not my words "sink in" (and are remembered) by those who read what I've written!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
What Do You Love in Your Life?
Read a poem today (which appeared on Labor Day in Garrison Keilor's The Writer's Almanac) and I thought it spoke beautifully of the kind of people Marge Piercy loves in her life. Life's "loves" are a great topic to write about in an ethical will.
The Writer's Almanac - Poem by Marge Piercy
Hope you enjoy it! And write about your great "loves" in your ethical will.
The Writer's Almanac - Poem by Marge Piercy
Hope you enjoy it! And write about your great "loves" in your ethical will.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Imagining Grief on Life's Journey
I've been wanting to read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion for several months and had a copy practically leap into my hands from a cart of books waiting to be shelved at the library a few weeks ago. So I figured it must be the right time for me to read it. It's beautifully written yet brutally difficult to imagine living her story of the death of her husband of 40 years, author John Gregory Dunne, while also nearly losing their daughter, Quintana, to a life-threatening illness at the same time. As Didion puts it:
Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
While I don't intend to review the book here, there is one paragraph from Chapter 17 that so startled me with its wisdom about grief that I felt like it was a life lesson worth remembering (and a passage I'd recommend Joan Didion include in her ethical will):
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing". A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself."
As hard as the subject matter can be at times, The Year of Magical Thinking is well worth reading. Even though death seems to be most everyone's least favorite topic to read about -- much less talk about in public -- we're all headed in that direction . . . one day at a time.
Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
While I don't intend to review the book here, there is one paragraph from Chapter 17 that so startled me with its wisdom about grief that I felt like it was a life lesson worth remembering (and a passage I'd recommend Joan Didion include in her ethical will):
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing". A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaningless itself."
As hard as the subject matter can be at times, The Year of Magical Thinking is well worth reading. Even though death seems to be most everyone's least favorite topic to read about -- much less talk about in public -- we're all headed in that direction . . . one day at a time.
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